Yahoo Lifestyle Gaslighting vs. Lying: A Psychologist Explains the Difference
While we’ve all known about lying for a hot minute, the bright spotlight on gaslighting has been a more recent development. You may have heard it from a friend talking about her ex or from a participant on a reality dating show, for example.
Gaslighting and lying definitely have their commonalities, like wanting the other person to believe something that’s not true. But when someone says something that is, at best, "sus," how do you know which tactic you’re dealing with, and why is that distinction important?
Ahead, a psychologist who specializes in trauma and manipulation explains the difference between gaslighting vs. lying, plus how to respond to each toxic behavior.
Related: 35 Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships
What Is Gaslighting?
Dr. Scott Lyons, PhD, a holistic psychologist, educator and author of Addicted to Drama: Healing Dependency on Crisis and Chaos in Yourself and Others, says gaslighting “describes a form of psychological manipulation used to exert emotional control over others.”
It can manifest in various ways—a few are bulleted below—but essentially, it’s a sneaky, malicious tactic used to trick and confuse someone. “At its core, gaslighting involves making someone question their own perception of reality, memories or experiences,” Dr. Lyons says.
He shares a few examples of what gaslighting can look like:
Blame-shifting, so the other person doubts their role in situations and feels responsible for things beyond their control
Name-calling, or using descriptors like “crazy” or “too sensitive” to invalidate someone’s feelings and make them question their reactions and judgments
Deliberately denying something happened, or claiming the other person is making it up, to make them question themselves and their memories, resulting in self-doubt
Related: 10 Early Signs of Gaslighting, According to Psychologists
What Is Lying?
While lying isn’t 100 percent different, the two aren’t one in the same.
“Lying is when someone makes an untrue statement, often with the intention to deceive someone else,” Dr. Lyons says. “While lying can be a component of gaslighting, it can’t be assumed that lies are always used to manipulate others.”
He shares a couple signs of lying:
Not making eye contact due to discomfort about the lie or fear of being found out
Oversharing or talking too much to make the story sound more convincing
There’s also the possibility that lying isn’t always malicious. For example, think of the little white lie you tell your friend when she asks if you like her outfit. Maybe it’s not your favorite, but you appreciate that it's her style and want her to feel confident in it.
Related: 6 Ways To Tell if Someone’s Lying, According to Former CIA Officers
Gaslighting vs. Lying: According to a Psychologist
Beyond some of the factors above—like making someone question themselves versus a statement—how can you tell if someone is gaslighting you or lying to you?
Dr. Lyons says the key difference is in the intent and impact. “Gaslighting is a considered attempt to make someone question their perception of reality in an effort to gain power or control in a relationship, whereas lying can have many justifications outside of the goal of psychological manipulation.”
Being able to detect the difference between the two is important, he continues, so you know how to respond to the situation in a way that best protects your mental well-being.
Related: 7 Unexpected Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting and What To Do About Them, According to Psychologists
How To Respond to Gaslighting and Lying
To gaslighting
Unfortunately, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer here, Dr. Lyons says, as it’s so situation-dependent. For example, the way someone responds to workplace manipulation may (or may not) look different from someone who’s being gaslit by an acquaintance or someone they’ve been married to for a long time. (It’s important to note that those pieces are only a small start of all the factors at play.)
With that said, a safe bet across the board is talking to a professional. “If you feel like you’re experiencing consistent gaslighting, it’s important to talk to a licensed mental health professional who can help you to establish healthy boundaries and develop appropriate strategies for your unique situation,” Dr. Lyons recommends.
To lying
Like gaslighting, Dr. Lyons says, the answer here can depend on the situation and level of risk. But again, talking to a therapist is a smart idea. He encourages discussing the frequency and nature of the lies, the importance of the relationship to you, and your own context in those sessions.
You can find a therapist through Psychology Today’s database or Open Path Collective’s database (the latter may be more affordable, FYI).
Ultimately, remember that you deserve to be in relationships with people who respect you, love you and treat you right.
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Sources
Dr. Scott Lyons, PhD, a holistic psychologist, educator and author
