Yahoo Lifestyle My emotionally abusive girlfriend made me feel suicidal
Soon after moving in with Alaia*, Charlie*, 27, from Essex, lost all his confidence due to her emotional abuse and manipulative behaviour. Here's how, despite having been madly in love, he finally escaped...
I was 13 when I first became aware of Alaia*. To be honest, you couldn’t really miss her. We were friends of friends at the same school and as we went through our teens, she was someone I longed to get to know better. I was always sneaking looks at her – she was mesmerising.
Small, with jet black hair, green eyes and a fantastic figure, I knew she was part-Spanish and could have easily been a model if she were taller. And she was confident and funny too. Being quiet and studious, I never thought someone so vivacious would look at me twice.
I never thought someone so vivacious would look at me twice.
Ambitious and driven, by the time I bumped into Alaia at a music festival in my mid-20s, I’d finished my degree, had a good job in digital marketing and was halfway through an MBA. I’d grown up with my single-parent mum and two younger sisters without knowing my dad. I adored my family and had become the 'man of the house' from a young age, while Mum worked long hours. I had a real drive to make a success of my life and make my mum proud.
Beautiful and influential
In the intervening years, Alaia had become a fashion influencer and hung around with a cool crowd. She’d briefly been on one of those trashy real life dating shows on TV and I secretly followed her on social media. So, when I bumped into her at the bar at a music festival, I was gobsmacked when she made it clear she wanted to be with me.
I was instantly attracted to her magnetic energy and we spent the whole day together, hugging and holding hands. With her huge eyes and childlike excitement, I loved her energy. We were into the same music and I felt like we were soulmates.
It was a whirlwind romance. People would say we looked good together and I felt like I’d hit the jackpot. I wasn’t exactly cool at school and dating her as an adult gave me status. As I introduced my beautiful new girlfriend to family and friends, I felt my life was complete when she moved into my flat.
But she was my first serious girlfriend and I felt out of her league, so when she would put me down or complain about my friends, I just accepted it. She could be loving and sweet but was often upset over nothing and wanted a lot of attention.
When she would put me down or complain about my friends, I just accepted it.
She would make nasty comments when we were out with friends, then later say she’d just been joking and it was my fault for not having a sense of humour. She would accuse me of not loving her, but I was besotted and would do anything to make her happy – spending all my money on partying, holidays and clothes.
Angry and controlling
I was shocked when Alaia would fly into rages. I’m not a shouty person and I did my best to calm her down, but each time gave away a bit more of myself, agreeing to her demands. She was possessive and could sometimes be dismissive and spiteful.
But I knew her stepdad was aggressive and, meeting her family, I realised she hadn’t had the best upbringing. They dealt with everything by shouting at each other and making threats, so I guess it was no wonder she did the same. Bad as her behaviour was, I didn’t want to change her. Growing up in an all-female household I believed in equality and wanted her to be herself.
But there were so many red flags, like the fact that she was still speaking to her ex-boyfriends on social media. She’d tease me about it and say I wasn’t ‘buff’ like them. Sex was very risqué or not at all. She’d push my boundaries, wanting to have sex in public places, at other times acting like I repulsed her. But she also went crazy if I didn’t call and text her enough – her fear of abandonment was huge.
She’d push my boundaries or act like I repulsed her.
Sometimes she belittled me about the way I behaved. I started to get paranoid, thinking I was inadequate and an embarrassment to her. One time the stress of what she might say on a night out with our friends made me feel sick and we had to go home in a cab, and all she could say was that I made her skin crawl. I was developing anxiety issues like nausea and panic attacks.
Ruining my career
Over time, I Iost my confidence and even my drive. I gave up my MBA course and started to distance myself from my circles, and even saw less of my family. One night she slapped me over some perceived slight. I realised by this point that she had mental health issues, but I always thought I could solve our problems. I’m not a quitter – I couldn’t give her up and I wanted to take care of her.
Things came to a head when we went to a music event with her ex, who was in a band. She flirted with him all evening, goading me. When she asked, "Why aren’t you jealous?" I tried to laugh it off, but it really hurt. My self-esteem was too low to fight back.
One night she slapped me over some perceived slight. I realised by this point that she had mental health issues.
The next day she dumped me for this same guy. She cut off all contact and wouldn’t reply to my messages, which left me totally distraught. She’d discarded me so easily and made me feel worthless.
I couldn’t stop checking her posts on social media, even though it hurt me so much to see her moving on. I understand why rates of male suicide are so high. I was in so much pain, I seriously contemplated it.
After she left me, I began having panic attacks and felt deeply depressed, but I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I was feeling – and anyway she’d isolated me from all my friends.
I knew my family had been worried, they’d picked up on her controlling behaviour, but I’d distanced myself from them too. I guess part of me was too ashamed to share what I was going through.
Anxiety and insomnia
Eventually, struggling to sleep and a mess of nerves, I went to my GP, who gave me anti-anxiety medication which did help with the panic attacks. But suicidal thoughts still plagued me, which was terrifying. I realised I needed professional help. I knew, deep down, that my life was worth more than this.
It was through having therapy with Zeenat Ahmed-Peto that I realised how much I’d been manipulated by Alaia and that it wasn’t my fault.
I realised how much I’d been manipulated by Alaia and that it wasn’t my fault.
Growing up, I’d been pushed around by my stepdad and it had affected my self-worth. Now I’ve learnt to love myself more. I know I need to make my boundaries clear in future relationships.
I’ve also let family and friends see a different side of me, the vulnerable side that doesn’t have to be strong and responsible all the time. I’ve even spoken to my boss about what I’ve been through and he’s been incredibly supportive.
Over a year later, on holiday with my family in Tenerife this summer, I realised how far I’ve come. I’m healthy and happy, I’ve finished my MBA and started dating again. The girl I’m seeing now is refreshingly normal, no dramas, and I feel like I’ve got my life and self-worth back.
Therapist Zeenat Ahmed-Peto is author of Too Kind: A Survival Guide For Sensitive Souls (£12.99, Brandspire).
If you are a man worried about any form of domestic abuse or coercive control, visit Mankind.org.uk and if you are female, you can find advice and support via Refuge.org.uk. If you are experiencing suicidal feelings, remember you are not alone and you can contact The Samaritans any time, day or night on 116 123. You can also email the charity on jo@samaritans.org.
*Names have been changed to protect identities.
Read more about emotional abuse:
I ended up suicidal after a relationship with a narcissist (Yahoo Life UK, 7-min read)
My ex-boyfriend stalked me, and then moved into the house opposite mine (Yahoo Life UK, 8-min read)
My boyfriend lovebombed me, then used coercive control to take over my life (Yahoo Life UK, 9-min read)
