Yahoo Lifestyle "I Was Still In Love When I Signed The Papers." Divorced Women Are Revealing The "Hardest Parts" Of Divorce That They Never Saw Coming
We recently asked the divorced women of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the "hardest parts" of divorce that no one talks about. Here's what they had to say:
1."How you aren't treated like a real family unit anymore. Why can't a complete family just be me and my kiddo? How hard it is when you have a rough day to come home and have no one to talk to about it."
"How much you miss your kiddo when they go to their other parent's house, and how hard it is to accept that you are missing that time with them because of your ex's mistakes, not yours.
2."I moved in with my now ex-husband right after college, so I went straight from living with my parents to living with him. When we got divorced, I suddenly lived alone for the first time, which was sort of scary and very hard. I worried I couldn't handle it. It didn't help that other people seemed to doubt that I could, too."
3."I did not realize we still had such a ridiculous divorced/single mom stigma in 2024. We're really still over here shaming the parent who stayed, eh? I think married couples feel like divorce is contagious too, it's wild."
"And the financial fallout is truly no joke either."
4."The first part of my struggles getting divorced was being a stay-at-home mom for 17 years. I missed out on working my way up the ladder and had to start at a much lower level as an older woman, while my ex, who had been working all those years, enjoyed a much higher income. He hid assets and earnings, and I received zero spousal support. It was really hard for awhile."
"Next is that married friends stopped wanting to see me. They wanted a couple to interact with, not a single woman. One female married friend even confessed to me that her husband didn't want her hanging out with me — as if getting divorced was contagious.
The last part was watching my ex do whatever he wanted and not spending as much time with the kids. He had cheated, so he had a girlfriend from before we separated. He was doing great while I was struggling with the fallout with our kids. He wanted to be the Disney dad, not the one disciplining or helping the kids with their studies. The imbalance was staggering."
5."That in cases of emotional abuse, it gets so much worse during the divorce process."
6."That you're grieving the end of your marriage and the future you envisioned. You're grieving some of your hopes and dreams. I found it especially hard after deciding to sell the house we'd bought, even though I was living there alone at that time. It felt like a physical embodiment of all my excitement and plans for the future and how much work went into both the house and relationship."
"It feels like you lose everything at once, and it can be so overwhelming."
7."One thing I never expected to feel was grief. It felt like I had lost one of my best friends and, in some ways, my sense of security as well. It was the best decision for my well-being, but I feel a ton of guilt for any pain I inflicted by having to choose myself."
8."For me, I went through my divorce alone as I was living in a completely different state from my family. And while they supported my decision, I still did it alone. I became very self-sufficient and independent, which, when I tried dating again, turned the partners off or had me end up with completely needy and clingy partners. So, I choose to remain single, and I get so much 'sympathy' for it, it makes me sick."
"Also, while going through my divorce, I dealt with all the stages of grieving because my marriage died. So, you go through all those emotions like denial, anger, and sadness. It took me a year plus therapy to accept my marriage was over."
9."Even after divorce, when a child(ren) is involved in the equation, you still have to speak to your ex. We have a good co-parenting arrangement, but I wish I could not have to see or speak to him again. I still feel let down by his choices and actions in life, but I have to bite my tongue to keep the peace for our child. If I could cut him off completely, I would!"
10."Financial devastation. Divorce is won by whoever can afford their lawyer. Pilot versus teacher. Guess who lost. Female teacher. Hard job, less pay; I couldn't afford to fight."
11."As a people pleaser who burned out trying to please people, it was brutally hard to choose my well-being over my ex-husband's. I underestimated how difficult it is to preserve through my busted-up thoughts and beliefs. Sometimes, I felt like withdrawing my divorce petition just because it seemed like the easier path."
12."Losing their (good) family members. My ex has three nephews. I was there to visit the day each of them was born (despite them being in another state), I made each of them their baby blankets, and I made it to every birthday and holiday party (even when their own grandparents or my ex's other siblings couldn't be bothered). I was Auntie."
"I cried every day for months and months when my ex left, but a good part of it was because I was losing family."
—39, California
13."The sheer volume of people lining up to hand out 'I never liked him' and worse, 'I always thought he treated you badly,' like they were expecting a high five and not an absolutely horrified expression. Ah, you thought someone treated me poorly, that they were probably hitting me and cruel to me and said...nothing? Instead, you stayed his friend and gossiped with him because it seemed harmless?"
"But you 'totally support my decision.' Cool, cool, cool. GTFO."
"How many people congratulated me when I finally admitted I left him. Like, everyone saw the bad that was happening but never said anything. They were proud of me, and I just felt abandoned, alone, and naive."
14."No one gets excited for you when you enter a new relationship. It is almost like you 'lied' by getting married or showed bad judgment in choosing a partner (due to the divorce), so people think you will continue to make bad relationship choices. Also, many people think I don't take relationships seriously."
"I'm very private about my private life now."
15."Every second weekend is lonely. My three are at their dad's house, and my friends are doing things with their families. There's no place for divorced women without kids in social circles."
16."Just taking the first step. I knew my marriage was toxic, but I was too afraid of letting go. My ex filed for divorce, and though it was tough in the beginning, it was the best thing that happened to me. I'm now divorced and very happy. Plus, my credit score is excellent."
17."This is very unique to me, BUT it's hard if you're a teacher and go through changing your name back. This was especially difficult as I teach music to grades K-4, and my divorce happened a year after I got married. I had taught all 400 of my students my new last name, and then, the following year, I took my birth name back. I then had to explain to 400 kids why I wasn't Mrs. So-and-so anymore and back to my old name."
18."The first time you have to explain to the new person you are dating that they are the first post-divorce. It's super awkward, and it feels like so much pressure."
19."No one told me about that deep, sad feeling I’d get when my little ones did something really funny and cute, and I realized I was the only one there to laugh."
20."I wasn't prepared to be treated differently by my own family. I was raised in a religious household where marriage was forever, and divorce was 'taking the easy way out.' I tried to make things work in my marriage to an emotionally abusive man with alcoholism, but he wasn't willing to put in any effort. When I left, a switch was flipped, and suddenly, my parents treated me completely differently. They stopped making plans with me, inviting me to holidays, and on a few occasions, I found out via social media that they were in my city."
"In their eyes, I was in the wrong for leaving and an adultress for going on dates before my divorce was finalized (even though it took two and a half years). They still keep in contact with my abusive ex-husband because they 'didn't see the abuse,' and 'he's still family.' My found family has meant the world to me."
21."I got divorced in 2006 after my 40th birthday. My husband had an affair, and the pain was so overwhelming I almost couldn't breathe. But the hardest part? Still being in love even when I signed the papers. It took me until 2021 before I could be in another relationship, and if I'm honest, I'm still in love with my ex-husband. We kept in touch almost every day from 2006, when we split up, until 2016, when I realized I'd never move on if I talked to him every day. We still even said, 'I love you' before hanging up."
"Toxic? Totally. I didn't know it then because he said he wasn't in a relationship. But the whole time we were talking and having dinner or lunch, he was living with someone. When I found out, all the pain of the previous affair came back, and we were divorced!!! The hold he had on me didn't end after the divorce, and quite honestly, when though I stopped talking to him in 2016, he still has a part of my heart, and I hate it."
—59 California
22."The hardest part for me is trying not to regret that I gave my whole life to this person. I was married for 35 years, and my husband just up and left one day. I can't describe how much that destroyed my world. I always thought we would be grandparents and grow old together. I regret spending so many years with someone who would do this."
"I now realize that I spent so much time wanting to be as important to him as he was to me instead of leaving when I was still young enough to build a new life. I wish him well, but I am deeply hurt and angry, and I'm afraid I'll never be able to stop feeling this way."
—59, USA
And finally...
23."These were my three most SURPRISING things: 1) People who haven't broken up with/lost a long-term partner don't get it. They simply do not. I made friends with several divorced women at this time, and this was pretty consistent. There are exceptions, of course. People with very strong family support felt this to a lesser degree."
"2) If you've built a life with someone else, it's a shared vision of the future. The hardest part is recognizing you don't know anymore if that is the future you want or will have.
3) Finally, even if your marriage degraded over time, people who made the decision to be separated and those to whom the decision was handed have different experiences. I haven't figured out why, though. Again, people with strong family support escape this, too."
Women who have gone through a divorce, what's the "hardest part" of divorce that no one talks about? Feel free to let us know in the comments below, or if you prefer to remain anonymous, feel free to use this Google form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
