From Divorce To Reinvigorated Sex Lives: People Are Sharing What It's REALLY Like To Have An Open Marriage

There is no one-size-fits-all for marriage. And there's no one-size-fits-all for open marriages, either.

Some couples try it once and decide it's not for them; some find that opening the marriage leads to its ultimate dissolution; and others discover that being polyamorous improves their marriage significantly.

So, we asked members of the BuzzFeed Community who have opened up their marriages what it was like, their reasons for trying it, and its ultimate impact on their relationship.

Here are the wide-ranging, thought-provoking, and open-hearted responses:

1."We'd been married for 10 years and were happy and comfortable with each other. I knew that he had intimacy interests that I wasn't into, and after talking and laying out some ground rules, we opened up our marriage. Very quickly, he met a woman, and the connection was instant. In the polyamory world, we talk about NRE—new relationship energy. They had it bad. At first, it was beautiful. Watching this man I loved so much fall in love lit him up, and I loved it."

2."I (female, 30) asked if I could have the option of exploring sexual relationships outside my marriage to help me overcome some post-birth trauma. I was feeling disconnected from my body as a place of pleasure, and as my husband was with me during the birth, I was struggling to get that out of my head when I was with him."

"Sleeping with people who didn't see me as a mum and had nothing to do with my births helped me to feel comfortable in my body again and helped me enjoy sex again, which has massively enriched my home life.

My husband has been incredibly supportive, and while he's not interested in seeing other people himself, he's happy if I want to continue, even now that our own sex life is back on track.

For me, it's part escapism, part self-care."

—Anonymous

3."It ended up worse for him, better for me. He asked/badgered me for almost 2 decades to be with other men via swapping or situations such as threesomes. I cried, begged, avoided the conversations, blamed myself ('Why am I not good enough?'), etc. He cheated multiple times and always blamed me for not being 'fun enough.' When confronted, he would say, 'You wouldn't have fun, so I had to have fun without you.' I was broken, so of course, I took him back. Fast forward 5 years, and I finally agreed to try swapping with another couple at 25 years of marriage (and almost 50 years old). It blew up in his face. The guy was a stud, and my husband could not perform."

"He purposely picked a couple older than us. At this point, I went along with it and literally closed my eyes during the experience. He, of course, played the victim and blamed me again. He called me a slut and a whore and refused to talk to me. I told him. 'I do not apologize for having fun' (it actually felt really good, and I hadn't wanted the evening to end).

I got rejected for NOT swapping and then rejected for swapping. Needless to say, we are not staying together.

I would like to say to ladies that if he is pushing you to do it, either do it or get out of the relationship. What I found was that it was more of a power trip than this sexy, fun, and open feeling."

—Female, 49, FL

4."When it first happened, it was more of my wife's idea. She had invited her best friend over for a cookout and, at one point, told her to, 'f**k my husband.' Afterward, we talked at length. Neither of us felt like it was appropriate to put all of our physical and emotional needs on one person for the rest of our lives. Not to mention, who am I to deny her an opportunity to have a good time just because it's not with me, and vice versa."

"I've been openly polyamorous going on almost 20 years. I know this may sound weird, but in my opinion, my experience is basically how it should be. None of us are someone else's property. All of us should have autonomy. Science has proven over and over that humans are not monogamous animals; we are serial monogamists (most of us), which causes a lot of pain.

Besides, when you know that your partner has other options that she or he enjoys but still chooses to enjoy their time with you as well, that means they really want to be with you. They actively choose you every single day, and it is awesome knowing that someone who could easily walk away at any time still wants to be with you."

—Bill, 48, Albuquerque, NM

5."We are poly, not swingers. We opened up because my libido was so much lower than my wife's. I was very naive then and shocked when she fell in love with a woman she dated outside our marriage. Now, that woman lives with us, and I do my best to turn a blind eye to their relationship."

"I won't leave my wife because she's my best friend, but this situation is torture. I hate that my wife is enough for me, but I'll never be enough for her.

There are good elements, but on the whole, it's just very painful."

—Jennifer, 44

6."We've been married for almost 20 years at this point. Even after all these years, the spark never left. Most couples have an 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it mentality.' We have more of a 'if it can be improved and you don't do it, then it's already broken and obsolete.'"

"A few years ago, we decided to open up our marriage to make our sex life even better. We talked a lot, fantasized, and even roleplayed with toys for a long time before we ever made the jump.

Before opening things up, our sex life was probably an 8/10; after opening it up, it's been a solid 12/10. And to our surprise, it wasn't just the hooking up with other people or threesomes (and even foursomes) that made our sex life better. While that part was awesome and added a lot of spice to our already great sex life. It was actually after we did those things that we saw our big improvement. It made our communication with each other better, and it made our sex life with each other much better.

Of course, we have our rules we need to stick to in order to make it work.

This isn't for the faint of heart, and I wouldn't recommend it to 99.9% of people out there. You need to have a concrete foundation (this has to be an improvement to your lives, not a bandaid to fix some other issues), and you need to be able to control jealousy and emotions without lashing out at each other in case there's some sort of miscommunication.

And you need both people on board. If one wants to do it and pressures the other person to try it, it will not work."

—AG

7."My husband was getting deployed and suggested opening our relationship during the deployment. We agreed on rules like checking in with each other about our feelings, letting each other know ahead of time before going on dates, etc. When he came home from deployment, I found out that he only told me about one person he dated, but not the five others. I lost my trust in him, and ultimately, we ended up divorcing."

"He ended up marrying one of the other people he dated only four months after the divorce was finalized.

Going on dates was a lot of fun for me. Knowing that he knew I was with someone else made it sexy. But it required a lot of trust and open communication, which ultimately led to our demise."

—Kayla, 30, Germany

8."You might think a sex club is glamorous, but it's really not. It's like going to any club, except the single men feel even MORE entitled to grab you and try and make you do things. People are incredibly cliquey. Everyone is doing coke, at the very least. It can be fun if you have a supportive partner and are both into all that, but if you are not on the same page, do NOT go."

9."I grew up in a religious household and always battled with my sexuality. It wasn’t until later in life (after marriage) that I was honest with myself and told my husband I was attracted to women. Like most men, he found that to be a turn-on and gave me the green light to explore as long as I did so safely and shared my stories with him. I gave him the same kindness with other women as well. It brought us closer together because we made communication an important part of all of this."

"I feel like in the end, we’re not so much 'swinging' (hate that term, by the way) anymore. Here and there sometimes.

I needed it more for myself to have that time that I didn’t get while in my 20s."

—Leigh, 36, Philadelphia

10."I am poly, so the other end of the Ethical Non-Monogamy spectrum. It made my life SO much better when I realized that love is endless, people are amazing, and love can grow outside the fake mono world embedded in us. Plus, knowing that you can have a physical and emotional connection with each of your numerous partners is so much fun!"

"It makes you communicate more. As a man, you have to be deeper in your feelings and force the hard talks.

It is so much fun watching your partner enjoy themselves and them watching you have consenting adult fun! Who made these boring rules anyway?! There is a reason Burning Man is thousands of people deep!"

—Matt, 40, AZ

11."Even before we were married, we knew we would want the option of Ethical Non-Monogamy. We’ve been together 20 years, and we've been swingers for about half of that time."

"I’ve had a fairly serious boyfriend for the past six months, which has been a new experience. I’ve been keeping a journal during this time, in which I've been detailing the app I used to try dating (Feeld), our first date, our first sleepover, and meeting his parents.

It’s been an adventure!"

—Dee, 48, North Texas

12."After 20+ years of marriage, I learned my husband had consistently cheated on me since the beginning. We tried therapy and even ballroom dance lessons, but six months later, he was at it again. Truthfully, I didn’t mind him seeing other women; I just didn’t like the deception. I wanted the freedom to see other men, too. So we opened it."

"His first Ethical Non-Monogamy relationship was with the woman he told me not to worry about, Melissa. I couldn’t stand her because she was completely immature, prone to fits of drama, and stamping her feet when she didn’t get her way. They insisted on foisting Kitchen Table Polyamory on me. I had zero interest in becoming her friend, but I was guilted and shamed pretty regularly that I was doing poly all wrong. Fortunately, his relationship with Melissa didn’t last because, as it turns out, she was cheating on her partner.

We’ve gone through a few bumps since then, but it works for us. My husband and I cohabitate, and we’re great friends. He helped me get through the pain of breaking up with my own first poly partner, who was a complete f**kboy.

Now, we’re both content in healthy relationships, and Kitchen Table Poly has happened naturally.

It takes huge amounts of emotional maturity. Don’t rush it."

—Anonymous

13."We did it to spice up an already amazing life and marriage. We are adventurous and wanted to do something thrilling and exciting. It has only made us closer, and we tell each other everything. We have never felt so connected!"

"It is a roller coaster ride of every emotion you can imagine. It can be gut-wrenching at times and blissful and fulfilling at other times. You have to have 100% trust and security in your marriage to even have a chance of it working. Jealousy will always be there, so you have to make each other the top priority through it all."

—Male, 43, PA

14."Twice during my relationship/marriage, my husband and I embarked upon the swinging lifestyle to explore our sexuality. At the time, my husband had only had me as a partner, and I identify as bisexual and wanted to explore that side. Swinging was fun, relatively easy to manage, and enhanced our relationship and communication. Somewhere along the way, we went from being in the swinging lifestyle to a fully open relationship/marriage, which is called polyamory and is different from being a swinger and part of the swinging community. We tried for 7 years to navigate an open marriage with polyamorous relationships, but the strain was too much and contributed to a divorce after 28 years together and 16 years of marriage."

"I don't regret swinging. I do regret polyamory as I personally found that very difficult to navigate the emotions that were involved with all parties.

We often used dating sites designed for swingers or polyamorous relationships. We attended a few parties catering to those in the lifestyle as well. There's a rather large community out there.

Although I no longer am in the community or a polyamorous relationship, I developed some amazing and long-lasting friendships through the people I have met. You will find a variety of people from all backgrounds and likes. Meeting new interesting people who shared the same values and lifestyle choices was also a nice perk."

—Renee, 50, New York

15."For the most part, the two times we did it went well. It also revealed a lot of things. For example, one of us was touch-starved, and the other had more kinks than we originally thought. It allowed us to look into therapy to work on our relationship. Would we do it again? I think so, but only after therapy so that communication would stay strong."

—Anonymous

16."During sex, we realized that talking dirty turned us both on. During those 'conversations, ' one of us said something about 'wanting to watch [the other] blah blah blah.' So we went to a swingers event, where we did nothing sexually, but it gave us more to talk about in bed. At that event, we spoke to strangers about how it works and met many nice people! At subsequent parties, we did have sex with each other around other couples also having sex, and eventually, we ended up swinging with other couples."

"We became great friends with the other couples and even had barbecues together with no sex. We were really having fun with new outgoing friends.

That was 25 years ago, and none of us have much of a sex life anymore, but we are still great friends. We don't go on vacations together anymore, but it was fun and good for our relationship. It gave us a chance to feel naughty, have sex with some strangers to spice up our sex life, and not make problems by either of us 'cheating' on each other.

It takes certain kinds of people to do this, and you must have a rock-solid marriage to enjoy it, which we did and still do.

Also, in just talking about it before doing it, our libido levels were skyrocketing. That alone made us get along better. We were on cloud nine like teenagers again...and that alone changed our lives.

If anyone were to try this, I would recommend checking prospective partners for compatibility first, or you could have problems. And never go out of your comfort zone—though you might find a new comfort zone!!!"

—Anonymous

17."We were both closeted bi-curious people. We wanted to add more intimacy by satisfying our curiosities through sharing other people together. So we started 'playing' with men, women, and other couples."

"We have the utmost respect and open communication with each other because of our lifestyle. We can't imagine being in a stale relationship where one partner has to hide a part of themselves and seek satisfaction from people without their partner's knowledge or consent."

—43, Washington

18."When I was in my 20s, I was introduced to the lifestyle by an older couple who introduced me and my girlfriend to similar, like-minded couples. Since then, all my long-term relationships except one have been open. Currently, I'm with the love of my life, and we share experiences with others, whether it be couples or singles or going to parties. We are going to Hedonism in a few weeks, which we do yearly."

"The experience is always what you make it, and the bond between my partner is very strong as we can differentiate between our lovemaking and having fun sex, which is important for those couples newly venturing into a lifestyle experience. Being in the lifestyle allows for experimenting and keeping things fresh.

The term swingers is not used much anymore. The term lifestyle is more appropriate as it describes a way of life as opposed to a type of person that some can view negatively."

—Lee, 67, Vista, CA

19."My wife and I decided to open up our marriage. We were each other’s first love, and we’ve been together since the 8th grade. We had never taken a break from our relationship or anything, so we’ve been together for 15 years straight (married for 6). I thought we were happy this way until my wife came to me one night and told me that she had just felt like we had missed out on a key part of our lives (we had never dated anyone else but each other, and she felt empty because of this). We went to counseling, and we decided that it would be best to open up our marriage for a bit. For a few months, we went out on dates with other people, had one-night stands, and just put ourselves out there. I didn’t find anyone in particular who caught my interest, but it was still a good experience. Our marriage stayed open for 2 months until my wife came to me again and just absolutely POURED her heart out."

"She told me that she realized that I was the only one for her and that she loved me so much. I realized that I had felt the same way about her.

Our marriage has been closed for two years now, and we’re the happiest we’ve ever been. We have a 1-year-old daughter, and we’re expecting twins in December! (And yes, before you ask, my daughter is most definitely mine)."

—Anonymous

If you have your own story of opening up your marriage, feel free to share it in the comments or via this Google Form, if you would prefer to remain anonymous.

Note: Submissions have been edited for length and clarity.