52 Genuinely Hilarious Tweets By Women That Made Me Laugh So Hard My Head Fell Off And Rolled Away

A high-value man has 5,000 a year and a house in town. A man of consequence has 10,000 a year, beautiful grounds at Pemberley, and a flawless appreciation for ready wit and fine eyes. https://t.co/2erzEqON1X

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) September 14, 2023

long-term relationships are all about developing a dialect so embarrassing you’d rather be shot than have audio of your daily conversations leak

— lesbian mothman (@verysmallriver) September 17, 2023

i think if u have a really fucked up dream you should be allowed to call off work. i just watched my mother get attacked by a tiger and you expect me to hop on a zoom meeting rn

— Cait🧃 (@CaitCamelia) September 14, 2023

Remember when you are applying for jobs that if/when you feel 'underqualified' a white guy just responded to my casting call for African-American women. So shoot your shot, I guess.

— Julia C Griffin (@juliacgriffin) September 15, 2023

i love it when i can tell a friend is doing their content rounds. thank you for sending me a tweet and a tiktok during your shift at the post factory queen. see you again in 2-8 hours

— kelsey weekman (@kelsaywhat) September 19, 2023

I swear, every man in this city bought their cologne from Cat Piss r’ Us this summer because I have never smelled such wretchedness.

— Cora Harrington (@lingerie_addict) September 15, 2023

people talking about “as per my last email” as being an act of hostility but I just had to crack out an “I’m not sure how I can clarify this any further”

— Dr Charlotte Lydia Riley (@lottelydia) September 15, 2023

STOP! NARCING! I brought a watering can to dinner tonight because a friend had given it to me earlier. as I was leaving the restaurant, a woman told a waiter “she’s stealing your watering can!” and then I had to be like “this is actually mine” which is embarrassing for no reason!

— not even sure what i’m doing here (@sablaah) September 21, 2023

actors reminding writers they’re still picketing pic.twitter.com/DxU0tO2jO4

— Amy (@lolennui) September 26, 2023

I think Joe Jonas overestimated how much the average person is Team Joe Jonas. I didn’t sit through 8 seasons of the most stressful poorly lit show to support that man.

— Rebekah Weatherspoon Updates! ✨🍯✨ (@RdotSpoon) September 21, 2023

A guy asked me what it was like to be a woman in the workplace and another guy answered for me. Nailed it.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) September 28, 2023

When Mariah Carey sued that billionaire boyfriend she had for wasting her time and won a multi-million dollar settlement, that's girl math.

— Morgan Jerkins (@MorganJerkins) September 24, 2023

One thing about Taylor…she’s gonna meet your mom 😩 you may not hear from her after a month. But she definitely gonna meet your momma.

— Mo (@exilehive) September 24, 2023

I hope this dog never stops biting secret service. How does this keep happening https://t.co/Rnm0ApW73M

— Two Time Emmy Winner Ali B (@wtflanksteak) September 27, 2023

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

— steph mccann (@steph_mcca) September 15, 2023

I’m casually fucking this man. He text me. I come to the door. We fuck. Awkwardly make small talk for 10 minutes. He leaves. But tonight was different. I offered this man a water, he starts telling me something he’s excited for this week. It was adorable. I immediately said leave

— 𝒦𝓎 (@justky1018) September 18, 2023

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

— evelyn gee frick (@evelyngfrick) September 18, 2023

“would you like to check your account balance?” god no. my balance is none of my business

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) September 18, 2023

absolutely sobbing that this man is querying my agent by saying my novel was in his laundry room pic.twitter.com/puG5TaqgUj

— sarah rose etter (@sarahroseetter) September 26, 2023

Remember when we were like “Stop killing black people” and someone was like we’ll change “master bedroom” to “primary bedroom?”

— Heben Nigatu (@hebennigatu) September 14, 2023

Husband, day 1 of owning a dog: It’s just a dog. Husband, day 2 of owning a dog: We should give the dog a middle name.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 22, 2023

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

— Laura Peek (@laurapeek_) September 21, 2023

lowkey "seize him" and "unhand me" were huge for the english language

— rosie (@roramdin) September 24, 2023

this is the playlist someone makes after frantically googling 'music' https://t.co/myIq8doscF

— katewagner@bsky.social (@mcmansionhell) September 6, 2023

Boy math is opening up your marriage so you can fuck around then getting mad bc your wife is gettin slammed while you severely overestimated your market value

— ✨Muscle Mommy✨ (5'3 btw) (@racheltrains) September 26, 2023

block me if you want but I’m excited for it to get colder at night so I can truly be on my snug as a bug in a rug game

— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) September 18, 2023

Haven’t seen no squirrels lately and all of a sudden mc Donald’s got 50 cent burgers

— Ty ☆ (@cuteasstyy) September 20, 2023

“Skincare is a scam” lol ok well I’ve been using anti aging products religiously since I was 18, now I’m 34 and can easily pass for 32… who’s laughing now

— Cartoons Hate Her! (@CartoonsHateHer) September 10, 2023

Got a friendly personal reject from a magazine that said they liked my submission, but they only accept “submissions from authors in the western US” and like… pic.twitter.com/cVB4pZkTD5

— Frances Klein (@fklein907) September 18, 2023

hate when people are chronically late. reveals them to be selfish, scatterbrained, etc. unlike my own tardiness which is always merely a casualty of Poor Infrastructure

— liz hynes (@anticapitalizm) September 18, 2023

“you need to sign for your ADHD medication because it’s extremely addictive,” says my pharmacist before handing over a prescription I need to set at least six phone alarms to remember to take

— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) September 12, 2023

my job? nfl team graphic designer. my mission? to make a bird look as mean as possible

— molly mary o'brien (@missmollymary) September 14, 2023

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma'amnesia

— meghan (@deloisivete) September 19, 2023

Sophie Turner is currently in the impeccable position of being able to listen to Taylor Swift breakup songs literally written about her ex & I think that’s beautiful

— tori (@doritenholm) September 6, 2023

Another day, another round of men asking, "Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?" Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

— Kayleigh Donaldson (@Ceilidhann) September 25, 2023

I still can't get over the fact that the Vatican tried to invite Hozier to perform Take Me To Church 💀 Imagine asking your #1 hater to sing his chart-topping hate song ABOUT YOU??? 💀😭😭😭

— sofie 𓇼 ⋆｡ (@youregoodtome) September 14, 2023

asking u to send good energy to the sephora employee at the register who looked at me, taken aback, and went “your voice is so calming. i’ve just experienced a lot today and….. it’s just so soothing ” after i said “hi. yes, just this”

— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) September 6, 2023

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve barely chugged your Eggo Brunch in a Jar Appalachian Sippin’ Cream pic.twitter.com/rKPDboLqRJ

— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) September 27, 2023

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like "don't make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them." But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like "you bought ... so much, like a lot, of cheese."

— Kate Beaton (@beatonna) September 12, 2023

if a woman tells you you have “nice hands” she is doing everything in her power not to fuck you senseless please release her from her torment her friends are receiving the kinds of messages someone in prison would send

— Grace Jarvis (@gracejarvisohno) September 12, 2023

Strike needs to end. You know how many birds I can name now? It’s too much.

— Brittani Nichols *Single Strike Version* (@BisHilarious) September 7, 2023

my therapist had me a do a lil exercise and we had to create a scale of 0 to 100 and she needed me to give an example of what 0 would be in terms of feeling no discomfort/anxiety and i said “after doing a whippet” and then she wrote for what seemed like longer than those 4 words

— lana del slay (@lanadelslayee) September 21, 2023

my sister didn’t remember that i left this morning pic.twitter.com/Qoe8GDtRF6

— ann zhao says preorder dear wendy (@annzhao_) September 3, 2023

Boy math is paying $44 billion for a $25 billion company and, through business smarts and entrepreneurial know how, turning it into an $8.8 billion company

— Casey Johnston (@caseyjohnston) September 27, 2023

WAS RUNNING FOR THE TRAIN. FOOT SLIPPED OUT OF BIRKENSTOCK. TOUCHED SUBWAY STATION GROUND WITH ENTIRE FLAT BARE SOLE

— delia (@delia_cai) September 27, 2023

People who grew up in a small town can’t wait to tell you how that stop light used to be a stop sign.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 29, 2023

Boy math is how 5’10” measures 6’ https://t.co/85djuD5Nql

— rae 🫠 (@RaeWitte) September 25, 2023

My Tinder bio: pic.twitter.com/KIe79ta6XC

— Leen McBeans ꪜ (@LeenMcBeans) September 5, 2023

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave

— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) September 27, 2023

decision paralysis is so funny. i’m like “do i want pizza for lunch or a burrito?” and my brain is like “actually i’d rather starve to death”

— chase (@_chase_____) September 28, 2023

Heavy sigh.I was talking to a coworker last week, and she got a phone call that transferred to her super-cool watch. She pointed to her wrist and said, "Sorry, my son is calling!"I said, "Wow! Like Dick Tracy!"Today I am explaining to my manager why I called her a "Dick".

— A Queer and Pleasant Danger 🦖🦕 (@Samwitch11) September 14, 2023

yesterday I was trying to eat tuna out of a can and the cats VERY clearly believed it was cat food and I was so humiliated. they weren’t even begging they just watched me take this can to my bed like bitch you are lost

— worms cited (@christapeterso) September 15, 2023

We shoulda rioted when Dollar Tree added that quarter. That was the beginning of the end.

— Mik (@OkSoMik) September 14, 2023