'Essential' relationship act that more Australians are trying: 'Hard to tackle'

How often do you check in with your partner and debrief your relationship? The thought makes some people shudder while others love the idea of a little couch therapy with their spouse. It's a topic Triple J's The Hook Up recently discussed, with Dee Salmin and Pip Rasmussen talking about their own experiences as well as hearing from listeners about the benefits of a regular check-in with their romantic partners.

"Previously I was doing them every few months and it was more coming from a place of ‘I’ve got these issues and we need to sort them out” but I learnt SO much from the episode!" Dee told Yahoo Lifestyle. "People were having the best relationship check-ins, and asking such thoughtful and intentional questions and I learnt how important it is to do that and keep it as a regular scheduled thing."

In fact, the episode found out people were using the check-ins to discuss things with their partner in a positive light — not just to dump on them about not taking the rubbish out that week, with Dee telling Yahoo Lifestyle that listeners shared important tips about how they approach the chats by making sure their partners are in the right headspace and putting focus on talking about the good parts as well as the potential negatives.

So, how often should you do relationship check-ins?

For some couples, relationship check-ins are what has kept them going the distance.

Cat, has been with her partner Ned for nearly 10 years, and told Yahoo Lifestyle that the couple do regular check-ins as well as regular date nights.

"We do check-ins as often as we need to. Ned is in a touring band so sometimes we get caught up in shows, touring, planning and him being away for weekends at a time. When we get back together after he comes home, we check in to see how the other is doing," she told Yahoo Lifestyle. "We also have regular date nights where we have dinner or go to the movies, this has also provided us with opportunities to check-in with one another," she said.

Cat credits the open communication to what's kept their bond strong while Ned's on the road.

"[Check-ins] have helped us stay grounded. It has helped us identify what we can work on to be there for each other," she said. "Communication is essential! It doesn't matter if it's a conversation where you're discussing great things or things that need to be cleared and lifted off your shoulders. If you don't have difficult conversations you can't get the support you need from each other. There have been plenty of times where I have broached a conversation knowing that I was in need of support but it was a topic that was hard to tackle."

How do you do relationship check-ins?

Sheena Schuy, a holistic psychologist and the founder of Savasana Collective told Yahoo Lifestyle that regular check-ins are a good thing, but also need to have structure.

"There is no point in just sitting down and just asking 'how do you feel about us?' or 'how are we going?' as that’s really vague for most people, particularly if one partner isn’t used to talking about these kind of topics. And so it can feel like a burden after a while if it feels awkward or unstructured, but the frequency of these check-ins really depends on the health of the relationship too," she said.

"Weekly is fantastic but if you’re in a good place pushing this out to fortnightly or monthly is totally fine."

Jessica, a Sydney resident in her 30s, said she and her partner check in "every 1-2 weeks". "We chat about things that have come up in that time. Money and bills. Things around the house that need to be done. Plans for the week ahead. And long term plans and goals too," she told Yahoo Lifestyle. "We used to be more structured, but now it’s a bit more casual. And we try to keep it as positive as possible and not just focus on negatives. It definitely helps us stay on the same page."

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What kind of questions can you ask your partner when checking in?

For those of us who kind of shudder at the thought of checking in and/or being, uh, vulnerable, Sheena said she recommends the Four C Formula: Core values, Cares, Communication, and Consummation.

"I recommend asking questions that relate to what I call the Four C formula, asking about the Core and each others Values - how’s life feeling right now, does it feel like we are aligned? Do you feel like you’re in a good place right now?" she said.

"Asking about Cares - your current goals that your each working towards. For example, how’s things with work? I know we’ve had less time together because you’re working towards your promotion. How’s it going? When do you think you’ll know by?

"Communication - how do we each feel it’s been this month on a scale of 1-10? What things have been good with our communication, and what do we feel it could be improved. Have we met each others love languages or lead with our own?

"[And] Consummation. How do we feel sex and intimacy has been? What do we want more and less of?" Sheena recommended.

Can it be possible to overdo relationship communication?

As per The Hookup, 36% of listeners were checking in with their partners monthly, and 38% were doing it every 3-6 months, with one listener, Hannah, sharing that while she and her partner of 10 years started it on a regular basis, it got to the point where it started to feel 'forced'.

“We got to the point it felt a bit forced or disingenuous, it wasn’t feeling very meaningful for our relationship” she said. “We both found unplanned or more casual conversations felt like we were taking more away from that, [compared to] the [scheduled] check-ins.”

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Checking in with your partner, whether it be monthly or every few months may sound a bit clinical, but Sheena says it should never turn counterproductive.

"I don’t know of any situations where a relationship check-in would be counterproductive unless one person already is done and doesn’t want to be in the relationship as this will just agitate them more because they’ve already checked out," she said. "If someone isn’t able to talk about their relationship then how can you improve it?"

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