'Am I the Problem?' A Relationship Therapist Shares 7 Warning Signs

In Taylor Swift's 2022 single "Anti-Hero," the singer/songwriter/contemporary icon sings, "It's me. Hi. I'm the problem. It's me." It reminds us that we all stumble in relationships, no matter how successful we are professionally. In fact, a little self-awareness of "Am I the problem?" can go a long way toward ensuring that your people stay your people. 

"Knowing how to identify that you are the problem in a relationship can be very valuable," says Tori-Lyn Mills, LCPC, specializing in relationships with Thriveworks in Columbia, Maryland. "It opens you up to explore changes you can implement to help improve. It allows the opportunity to explore ways to have a more secure connection in a relationship."

These seven toxic red flags could help you answer: "Am I the problem in my relationship?" and help point out that it's time to shift your gaze from the sun to the mirror (another reference to the Taylor Swift song). 

Related: 5 Unexpected Signs *You* Might Be the Toxic One in a Relationship—Plus, How To Break Free From the Behaviors

'Am I the Problem?'—7 Major Warning Signs, According to a Relationship Therapist

1. You're a perpetual victim

If your internal narrative sees you chronically starring as the victim, you may actually be the problem. Mills is calling you up—not out—gently here. Often, people with unhealed trauma display this sign.

"When there’s unhealed trauma, a person can develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to get their needs met that ultimately affect their partner," Mills says.

Unfortunately, Mills says this trauma can trigger an attitude of entitlement to empathy from others sans reciprocation. This behavior prompts an unbalanced relationship, which can foster resentment.

2. Need for external validation

Everyone likes compliments here and there, but the best worth is self-worth. Sadly, people who are the "problem" in a relationship often don't have much of it, resulting in a never-ending fishing expedition for compliments.

"Low self-esteem or self-worth creates insecurities that may lead a person to seek a lot of external validation," Mills says.

However, the constant need for praise—like constantly purposely downplaying your cooking skills so that someone showers you with compliments—can come off as very "look-at-me" and become exhausting to others.

Related: 7 Subtle Signs of Manipulation, According to a Psychologist

3. Lack of accountability

The blame game is not fun for the person on the other end of a pointed finger.

"When a person lacks accountability, they tend to blame shift, give excuses or place the responsibility of their accountability on others," Mills says.

4. Poor communication skills

Communication is a critical pillar of healthy relationships.

"Not communicating needs or feelings can create a disconnection between people," Mills says. "It can result from avoidance, minimization of experiences or emotions, causing an emotional buildup or making it seem like you don’t care."

Related: An Etiquette Expert Is Begging People To Think Twice About This Common Social Habit

5. Poor boundaries

Surprise—boundaries are important for maintaining good relationships, even if it means saying no to someone you care about.

"Having poor boundaries in a relationship can have various consequences," Mills says. "For example, one partner might be pouring into the relationship so much so that it becomes overwhelming. If they receive a lack of reciprocation, it can make them feel depleted."

6. Need for control

This sign can also make a relationship lopsided and trigger codependency. Mills says she reports seeing partners desire control over behavior, money and sex.

"They restrict partners in these areas through the use of guilt, coercion or manipulation," Mills explains, adding that often, people trying to exert control are actually anxious and struggling to manage their fears of abandonment or rejection.

7. Low emotional intelligence

It sounds harsh, but it's essential to be aware of this flag that you may be the issue in a relationship.

"Low emotional intelligence creates a lack of emotional safety in relationships," Mills says. "There can be difficulty processing and regulating emotions, as well as difficulty picking up on others’ emotions to respond effectively."

Mills says that low emotional intelligence can leave a person feeling like managing a partner's feelings is their job.

Related: 11 Signs You Might Be 'Socially Inept,' According to Psychologists

3 Tips for Working Through Relationship-Sabotaging Issues

1. Recognizing your the problem

We've come full circle. Simply noticing that your behavior is harming relationships is a significant first step—and perhaps the hardest.

"When personal barriers are identified, it allows you to examine negative impacts and experiences in previous relationships to work through them," Mills says.

Related: 8 Toxic Personality Traits To Watch Out for in Yourself and Others, According to Psychologists

2. Develop and improve emotional IQ

Emotional IQ isn't static, which is good news because Mills says working on yours can help you develop healthier relationships.

"Learning to identify, process, regulate and validate emotions is beneficial because it fosters empathy and compassion in relationships," Mills says. "Cultivating emotional maturity supports growth and connection between partners."

3. Seek therapy

It can be challenging to improve relationships, especially if you have unhealed trauma. A professional can help.

"If trying to process emotions and identify personal barriers to diminish being the problem in a relationship is too challenging or complicated, I’d recommend individual therapy," Mills says. "A mental health professional can provide support and skills to help increase self-awareness and emotional intelligence."

Up Next:

Related: 6 Inner Child Wounds That Affect Adult Relationships, According to a Psychologist

Source

• Tori-Lyn Mills, LCPC, specializing in relationships with Thriveworks in Columbia, Maryland