Yahoo Lifestyle 9 Outdated Relationship Dynamics Family Therapists Are Begging Parents To Stop Doing With Their Adult Kids
Just as children go through stages—newborn, toddler, etc.—there are various stages of parenting as well. (Raise your hand if you were excited the moment you realized you'd never have to change another diaper!) From doing everything for them in the early parenting days to then helping your kids with problem-solving, naming their emotions and other skills that aid their independence, and other shifts that happen year after year, it can be exciting to watch your relationship and dynamics transform.
However, parent-child relationships also change as those one-time wobbly tots become adults. These shifts can be less exciting, like the first time a child had to work on a cherished holiday (or decided to spend it with their main squeeze's family). Yet, these moves toward independence are normal, natural and generally important to respect.
"Resetting boundaries and establishing new relationship dynamics through reevaluating child/parent expectations, communication and other things like how much time they spend together is important to avoid conflict as a child continues to grow into an adult," says Carole Cox, LMFT with Thriveworks. "Understanding why these relationships need to evolve is important if a parent/adult child wishes to maintain their relationships into adulthood."
Specifically, what should evolve? Family therapists shared common dynamics they wish parents would stop leaning into with their adult children, plus tips for both parties on dealing with hiccups along the way.
Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
9 Relationship Dynamics Family Therapists Wish Parents Would Stop Expecting of Their Adult Kids
1. Power/control
This one is at the root of many issues parents and adult children have as their relationship evolves. Even parents who used child-led strategies had significant power over their children—curfews, finances, holiday plans and even outfit choices (at least in the early years).
"There is a clear delineation of power in parent-child relationships when the child is a minor," says Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "The parent clearly is responsible for decision making, providing guidance and educating the child,"
Dr. Goldman says these roles begin to shift and, ideally, the two evolve to view one another as equals. (She adds that it may also reverse if an adult child cares for an aging parent.)
"It is healthy for the power/control dynamic to shift as the child ages," Dr. Goldman says. "If it doesn’t, it fosters power imbalance and dependency on the parent."
Related: The One Simple Step To Take for a Better Relationship with Your Adult Kids, According to Psychologists
2. Expecting the child to prioritize their family
This dynamic shift can be one of the most difficult for parents to swallow.
"When a child is younger and living with the family, they’re expected to spend time with the family and prioritize their immediate family unit over other things," Cox says. This dynamic becomes outdated as a child grows into an adult because they’re gaining their own independence through work, school or other means."
Adult children may exert this power by foregoing daily check-ins instead of requesting weekly FaceTimes because of a hectic work or school schedule (or balancing growing families of their own).
3. Assumed obligation for family traditions
A more specific version of No. 2 is believing that a child will continue to uphold family traditions, like annual apple-picking trips, vacations or Christmas dinners at a certain home.
"It's important for families to be flexible and open to creating new traditions that incorporate everyone's preferences and beliefs," says Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. "This promotes inclusivity and mutual respect."
4. Fixed family roles
Kids can get boxed into specific "roles" within a family, such as a clown, caregiver and peacemaker. They may want (or need) to seek out a different identity in adulthood, and Dr. McGeehan stresses that parents must respect (and perhaps foster) this evolution.
"It's important for families to allow individuals to redefine their roles based on their evolving identities and capabilities," Dr. McGeehan says. "Encouraging flexibility and growth within family roles can lead to healthier, more dynamic relationships where all of each person belongs to the family."
5. Financial dependence
The end of this parent-child relationship dynamic can be hard on adult children hoping to continue to receive financial assistance and parents who have a hard time watching their loved one struggle.
"Parents should encourage financial self-sufficiency by setting clear boundaries around financial assistance and supporting their adult children in developing budgeting and saving skills," Dr. McGeehan says.
Caveat time:
"In today’s financial climate, there are more parents supporting their adult children than not," Dr. McGeehan says. "However, this dynamic can be maintained by setting boundaries around the financial support and setting a plan for the adult child to become financially self-sufficient."
Related: How To Talk to Your Adult Children About Your Estate Plans Without It Being Awkward, According to Family Therapists
6. Safety
Sometimes, you have to let a child fly, even if they fall and get hold.
"When our child is younger, it is our sole responsibility to ensure they are safe," Dr. Goldman says. "Parents generally think about their emotional and physical safety [and] physical needs. As children age, the focus on safety remains the same, although the external influences might be different."
For instance, parents may feel confident their adult children can safely cross the street but may be worried about their relationship with certain people who may be abusing substances.
"When the child is an adult, there is always a concern about safety, yet we also have to believe that they will keep themselves safe," Dr. Goldman says. "Parents have less of a role in maintaining the safety of their child, despite the desire to do so."
7. Expectations for a child to share everything
A small child may have gleefully recounted every moment of their school day, from circle time to art.
"As a child, a parent might expect there to be full transparency in the relationship," Cox says. "This can be necessary to keep a child safe while growing up and to help the child navigate situations with friends and school."
As an adult, it may be hard to know if they're dating, who they are dating and precisely what their job entails—because they won't tell you. Trying to convince an adult child to bear all be a source of contention.
"As they grow, this can become problematic when the adult child wants to have a sense of privacy and not share everything about their life with their parents, " Cox explains. "This can be frustrating for parents who feel that they’re being left out while the child is just learning where that boundary lies as they enter adulthood."
Related: 14 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Children When You're Both Getting Triggered
8. Hierarchical communication
"Because I said so" is a controversial retort in the parenting world these days, but it especially won't fly in relationships between two adults.
"Adult relationships benefit from more egalitarian communication, where both parties feel heard and respected," Dr. McGeehan says. "Families should strive for open dialogue, where opinions and feelings are exchanged freely and respectfully—none of this 'This conversation is over, and I am right because I am the parent” nonsense.'"
9. Expecting your child to be a reflection of you
No, it won't be like looking into a mirror. Cox says expecting an adult child to reflect your values, morals and beliefs is unreasonable.
"When a child is young, they model a lot of things about themselves after their parents," Cox says. "Parents and caregivers are the most important people in a kid's life, and it makes sense that they’d begin through their values, morals and beliefs."
However, Cox says that children will gain experiences in school and the workforce that further shape their view of themselves, their world and their priorities.
"This could be a source of contention should a parent’s political, religious, economic or social views differ from those of their adult child," Cox says.
Related: 15 Traits of 'High-Achieving Kids' Often Show In Adulthood, According To Psychologists
How To Cope With Relationship Changes Changes (As the Parent)
1. Communication
It's OK to be vulnerable—and possible to communicate your struggles with an adult child without guilt-tripping.
"Having feelings of sadness or struggling with your child becoming an independent adult is natural," Cox says. "Expressing those feelings to your adult child can be helpful. Clear communication about what you’re feeling while also recognizing their boundaries lets them know that you’re working through this change in expectations and roles."
Related: People Who Felt Constantly Overlooked as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
2. Engage in self-care and personal interests
Becoming a parent to an adult child can be a jarring identity shift.
"When you are in a season of raising children and then teenagers, it’s so easy for that to become your entire identity," Dr. McGeehan says. "Many parents struggle to keep a sense of who they are if they are not 'mother' or 'father.'"
Focusing on interests, hobbies and social activities can help.
"It's harder to be overly involved in their lives if you are busy living your own," Dr. McGeehan says. "This is also generally good for your own mental health. The season of empty nesting is a gift if you know how to lean in."
3. Grow your support system
You don't have to go it alone.
"Parents can find it helpful to talk with other parents who have gone through this, or even seek out a therapist to process how this is impacting them," Dr. Goldman says.
Related: Psychologists Are Begging Families to Recognize the Most Common Form of Gaslighting—Plus, Here's Exactly How To Respond
How To Manage Relationship Dynamic Changes (If You're an Adult Child)
1. Establish boundaries
No is a full sentence, but "I statements" can also be helpful.
Cox suggests, “I’m not comfortable with this” or “I can’t do that for you." These statements feel less like blame because you're putting the onus on your own comfort level or bandwidth.
Related: 12 Signs Your Parent Might Be Gaslighting You (and How To Respond), According to Psychologists
2. Be patient and empathetic
Remember, the dynamic shift is hard on your caregiver, who may be acting a certain way out of love (even if the behavior needs to evolve).
"Empathy can ease tensions and foster a more cooperative relationship," Dr. McGeehan says. "Patience allows for gradual adjustment to new dynamics without escalating conflicts."
Related: 7 Signs You Were Raised by Emotionally Immature Parents, According to a Psychologist
3. Self-care
Taking time to yourself can be helpful as you navigate parent-child relationship stress. For example, Dr. McGeehan suggests requesting weekend calls instead of weeknight ones.
"Taking care of yourself helps you stay grounded and reduces the emotional toll of family conflicts," she says. "It also models healthy behavior for your parents."
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Expert Sources
Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist
