9 Common Signs of ‘Betrayal Trauma,’ According to Psychologists

Feeling betrayed is undoubtedly one of the worst feelings one can experience, especially when it happens at the hand of someone you trusted and cared about. It can leave lasting wounds that can deeply affect your mental health.

According to a 2021 study that focuses on romantic partners, between 30% and 60% of betrayed individuals experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression and anxiety to “clinically meaningful levels.”

Yes, that’s right—that heartbreak you experienced after a partner betrayed you can result in none other than PTSD symptoms, which means that the ramifications of betrayal are actually quite serious. Ahead, we’ll walk you through “betrayal trauma,” and you can learn how to finally start healing.

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What Is Betrayal Trauma?

"'Betrayal trauma' is a phrase used to describe the psychological damage that emerges from breaches of trust within close relationships including romantic partnerships, friendships and family bonds,” says psychologist Dr. Emily Bly, CEO of Psychology Partners Group and a licensed clinical psychologist.

She goes on to say, “When a person's trust bond with someone important breaks, it destroys their fundamental sense of wellbeing and security, which can result in multiple emotional and psychological problems.”

Dr. Charlynn Ruan—licensed clinical psychologist and the founder and CEO of Thrive Psychology Group—lists some examples of where betrayal trauma may originate from. They include child abuse, infidelity, theft of shared resources or a pattern of deception.

“The closer the relationship, the more serious the impact,” she says. “For example, if a parent betrays you, it is much more traumatic than if an acquaintance betrays you.”

According to Dr. Bly, many of the symptoms of betrayal trauma are very much like the symptoms that might be experienced in PTSD from any other trauma.

“The only difference is that betrayal trauma might be particularly relationship-focused,” she says.

How Betrayal Trauma Is Related to Attachment Theory

As for attachment theory, Dr. Bly shares that it’s based on psychiatrist John Bowlby's pioneering work. It explains human relationship dynamics through the study of emotional connections between people.

"Early interactions with caregivers during childhood establish our attachment style, according to research, and this attachment style directs the way we build and sustain relationships throughout our lifetime,” Dr. Bly explains. “People who maintain secure attachment styles demonstrate comfort in both intimate connections and autonomous functioning. People who demonstrate insecure attachment patterns often show either anxious or avoidant behaviors when they are in relationships."

As it turns out, betrayal trauma is highly intertwined with attachment theory.

“Secure attachment forms a reliable basis of trust and protection. Betrayal destroys the foundational trust and safety, causing devastating impacts,” Dr. Bly says. “People who already have insecure attachment styles experience betrayal as particularly traumatic because it strengthens their negative views of relationships and shakes their sense of self even further. The trauma activates intense feelings of abandonment and personal inadequacy.”

Related: 75 Cheating Quotes To Help You Start the Healing Process

9 Common Signs of Betrayal Trauma

1. You have intrusive thoughts or flashbacks

Dr. Bly says that it’s possible that a person who has experienced betrayal might replay the experience in their thoughts, and they might be more likely to have disturbing memories or betrayal-related nightmares.

Related: 13 Phrases You Should Use During a Fight If You Have a Different Attachment Style Than Your Partner

2. You jump to the worst-case scenario

You may find yourself jumping to the worst-case scenario when something ambiguous happens in a relationship.

"For example, if you see a social media post of someone you are dating with another person, [you may] assume they are cheating,” Dr. Ruan says.

3. You experience emotional dysregulation

For some time after the betrayal, you might experience mood swings without warning. Dr. Bly says that some of these feelings can include rage, deep sadness, bursting into tears, fear, humiliation or shutting down in the form of emotional detachment.

“When you come across a familiar place or song or photograph that reminds you of your past relationship, these reactions may feel particularly hard to control,” she adds.

4. You’re frequently hypervigilant

“People who have experienced betrayal are more likely to be on high alert for the possibility of new betrayals,” Dr. Bly says. “They're going to find it harder to relax. They're going to feel particularly threatened, and most of all, they're going to have a very hard time trusting people for a while and can often feel really suspicious toward others.”

5. You’ve developed negative core beliefs

As a result of betrayal trauma, you may develop negative core beliefs about yourself or others, such as that you are "unlovable" or “all men are liars,” Dr. Ruan explains.

Related: 5 Stages of Grief To Expect After You've Experienced Loss, According to a Trauma Therapist

6. You have uncomfortable physical symptoms

You may even feel some physical symptoms from betrayal trauma. This comes from nervous system dysregulation that is the result of being triggered into a fight, flight or freeze state. You may experience insomnia, nausea or anxiety attacks, Dr. Ruan says.

"Changes in appetite and sleep patterns and even weakened immune systems are not uncommon and show up with all kinds of PTSD, including betrayal,” Dr. Bly adds.

7. You struggle with intimacy and trust

“After you've been betrayed, it is really hard to enter into new intimate relationships or even maintain existing ones with comfort,” Dr. Bly says. “Intimate relationships require a degree of openness which can be really scary to people who have been betrayed. This fear can lead them to distance themselves emotionally and even physically from partners and sometimes friends or family.

8. You withdraw and isolate yourself

You may withdraw and self-isolate due to fear of being hurt in a relationship.

“This can look like refusing to date or ghosting someone when you start to feel close to them,” Dr. Ruan says.

9. You feel a lot of shame and blame yourself

“A painful breakup can leave people questioning themselves about their choices and blaming themselves for their actions,” Dr. Bly says. “The obsessive self-questioning that can sometimes happen after a breakup is particularly prevalent when there has been betrayal. Self-blame and intense shame feelings are difficult to get relief from.”

How To Heal From Betrayal Trauma

The first step in trying to heal from betrayal trauma? Self-compassion, and lots of it. Dr. Bly says that this can be particularly difficult because of all the shame you may be feeling.

“Try very hard to be kind to yourself by acknowledging the pain that you're experiencing and reminding yourself that you are not the cause of the betrayal,” she advises.

Self-care is also a component of this self-compassion, something that Dr. Bly says you should make a particularly high priority. This can include creating and maintaining soothing rituals like bath time and having warm tea or developing a meditation practice.

You’ll also need to establish and maintain healthy boundaries.

“Betrayal can lead you to reconsider the boundaries that you have set in relationships, and this reconsideration can help protect you from further harm in the future,” Dr. Bly explains.

Therapy is also an excellent approach when recovering from betrayal.

“Therapy with a psychologist who specializes in attachment wounds is very powerful because it gives you a chance to develop a safe place to discuss the betrayal,” Dr. Ruan says.

Lastly, a support system is key.

“Surrounding yourself with people who care about you and are good at expressing empathy and understanding can really help you to recover more quickly," Dr. Bly states. "Everyone needs a cheerleading squad, particularly at times like this.” This can also be accomplished through support groups.

“When tempted to write off all your relationships and distrust everyone, instead look around for those who showed up for you,” Dr. Ruan says. “Even if only a few friends and family showed up for you in your darkest moment, you now know who your true support people are.”

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Sources

• Dr. Emily Bly is the CEO of Psychology Partners Group and a licensed clinical psychologist.

• Dr. Charlynn Ruan is a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder and CEO of Thrive Psychology Group.