Yahoo Lifestyle 7 Unacceptable Things Grandparents Should NEVER Say or Do
It’s exciting. You’re going to be a new grandparent! It will be wonderful. You’ll bond with that baby. You’ll help the new parents learn the ropes. Hold on — stop right there. Yes, it’s thrilling when your adult child becomes a parent. But you are stepping into a brand-new set of relationships. Negotiating your role as a grandparent can be tricky, and how you start out will set the tone for the rest of the family dynamic.
When it comes to American families, one size does not fit all. Roughly 40% of babies in the United States today are born to unmarried mothers. Some 2.6 million LGBTQ+ adults are parenting children under 18. Children often have more than two sets of grandparents, because step-grandparents are often part of the picture. And 2.3 million children are being raised by their grandparents, due to the death of a parent, incarceration or substance abuse issues.
The image of long-married Grandma and Grandpa visiting new parents who are young, married and heterosexual is outdated, and has given way to a far more complex society. And that means that parenting norms and conventions that were tried-and-true in their day may not apply today, especially amid changing attitudes towards parenting styles and newer information about baby safety. Grandparents have to figure out where they fit into the picture.
“It’s always tricky when people are filling roles that are new to them — and new to the culture,” says Dr. Karen Fingerman, a professor of Human Development and Family Science at University of Texas Austin, and Director of the Texas Aging and Longevity Center.
Whatever the new family looks like, avoid the following mistakes.
Saying: “We didn’t have all these safety rules and my kids lived.”
Maybe so, but we know better now. Based on the latest research on child safety, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has updated their recommendations on childcare, ranging from sleep positions to feeding. For instance, incidents of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome has declined 50% in the last 20 years, in large part because of the AAP’s campaign to put babies to sleep on their back in their cribs — a change from decades ago when babies were routinely put to bed on their stomachs.
Your adult children are getting up-to-date information in the hospital and at the pediatrician’s office. Contradicting that advice creates confusion and stress for parents, says Ellen Kunkle, a long-time certified childbirth Educator at Maine Health Medical Center, who leads workshops both for new grandparents and parents.
Some grandparents are unfamiliar with updated safety practices; others simply think they know better. “I hear it from new parents all the time,” Kunkle says. “‘Many new parents are committed to exclusive breastfeeding, but they come home and hear, ‘Well, I sent Grandpa to the store to buy some formula because the baby just wanted more. I didn’t think the milk was enough,’ or ‘I told my parents to put him to sleep on his back, but when I came home, my parents said he was fussy, and that he slept better on his belly.’”
Best practices have changed. A lot. Grandparents should follow the parents' lead in matters of safety. In addition, Kunkle recommends that grandparents should take an infant safety and CPR course, if possible, and brush up on the new rules themselves.
Saying: “Give me the baby, and I’ll show you how to ….”
Exhausted new parents are sometimes as vulnerable and sensitive as their newborns. Even well-intentioned advice is easily heard as criticism. Yes, as a grandparent you have wisdom and experience, but there’s an art of lending support and offering your opinion.
Dr. Jeremy Yorgason, a professor at Brigham Young University specializing in later-life family relationships, said he’d recently spoken to a set of new grandparents who had planned to help their kids by giving one piece of advice every time they came over. It was not well received. The grandparents changed their approach. Now, at each visit, they tell the new parents one great thing about how they’re raising their baby.
“That is a good way to go,” Jorganson said. “Don’t tell the parents how to parent. Let the parents be the parents. Of course, they don’t know how to do everything. They need to learn and grow and become parents. This is new to them, but way you interact with them now can influence things in the future.”
Refrain from jumping in with unsolicited advice, and if you have suggestions, make them gently and only when asked.
3. Thinking you're the boss.
Do not, repeat, do NOT undermine the parents’ authority. There is no room for your vote in this new family dynamic. Being second-guessed or having their rules ignored is deeply upsetting to new parents.
As the grandchild grows older, so do the opportunities for undermining the parents. “Your mom/dad/parent doesn’t want you to have cookies before dinner, but Grandma loves you, so it’s our little secret…”
It may seem benign, but it’s an unhealthy dynamic which may result in parents limiting your access to your grandchildren. Don’t do it.
4. Overstepping boundaries.
Grandparents: Stay in your lane. Establish those boundaries with the new parents by coming to an understanding of what your new role will be. Boundaries vary from family to family and are usually influenced by the relationship you had with your adult child before a baby was in the picture.
Some new parents don’t want grandparents to visit at the hospital or even at the home for a few weeks. Others welcome help immediately. It’s important for grandparents to be supportive and involved, but not to overstep.
“If you go in with a sense of entitlement to time and access to the grandchild, it’s probably not going to go over well, and it could backfire,” Jorganson says.
Loving your new grandchild and wanting to help is a wonderful thing. But when well-meaning grandparents swoop in and try to take over, it can create tension. It may be more useful to offer help in other ways as well. “Find the balance between giving them space and being helpful,” Kunkle advises. “Offer help with concrete suggestions: ‘I am planning to bring dinner one night this week — would Wednesday work and would you prefer lasagna or roast chicken?’”
Offering to walk the dog, run an errand, do the grocery shopping or wash clothes gives new parents time to learn about their baby. If you live far away, you could arrange for a dinner to be delivered or pay someone to do yardwork.
5. Posting photos online.
I know — your grandchild is the cutest baby ever born, and you’re longing to post daily photos on Facebook to show friends and relatives the latest images of this adorable new miracle. Your friends have been doing it, and finally you can share your own joy.
Slow down. Don’t assume it’s okay to post photos on social media. It’s another issue on which you must defer to the parents. Today’s parents grew up with social media and are savvier about the dangers of putting images and personal information online than you are. Some allow it; others do not. Respect the parents’ wishes. Your adult child is not trying to quash your pride and excitement. Rather, they’re protecting your grandchild’s privacy.
“Being on the same page on what the family wants to be shared and what is kept private needs to be an early conversation,” says Dr. Max Zubatsky, Associate Professor and director of the Medical Family Therapy Program at Saint Louis University. “We try to prevent oversharing not just for safety and security, but also for the protection and boundaries of letting the parents have some space.”
6. Competing against the other grandparents.
It’s common for tension to emerge between two (or more) sets of grandparents. When one pair of grandparents lives close by and the other is across the country, the more distant set may suffer from Grandparental FOMO — fear of missing out.
“In my practice, I’ve definitely seen where distance plays a big difference,” Zubatsky says. “Sometimes it wasn’t that the local grandparents were doing anything wrong. It was just out of fear of the more distant grandparents that they were missing out on knowing what was happening or on giving input. And that caused a lot of anxiety in the life of the couple.”
Inevitably grandparents will have differing amounts of money, resources, time or better health. Long-distance grandparents can still have a profound connection with their grandchildren. Avoid showering your grandchild with gifts, whether you're near or far. It doesn’t make you a better grandparent. Besides, parents are already overwhelmed with all the new baby items in the house.
If you turn grandparenting into a race, you will become the loser.
7. Parenting the parents.
Bottom line: Take a backseat.
“Making demands or telling the parents what to do is almost parenting the parent, and that’s where things can go south,” says Zubatsky.
Of course, if you believe your grandchild is in real danger — if the parents are involved in drug use, or there’s evidence of neglect or abuse – you need to step in, says Fingerman.
“But if there aren’t crisis issues — sit back and enjoy and don’t try to direct,” she says. “Parents always want to help their children, but sometimes the best help is just saying, ‘You’re doing great.’ Adore the grandchild. And adore the parent for fostering that adorable grandchild. Whatever they are doing — it must be right. After all, you are that parent’s parent.”
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