Yahoo Lifestyle 7 Signs of 'Emotional Cheating' That You Might Not Even Be Aware Of
Everyone has those hurdles during the course of a relationship with someone that can be hard to deal with to say the least, the things that can either damage your connection with your partner or end it altogether. While things like narcissism and gaslighting can chip away at a relationship over months or years, and financial matters can also drive a wedge between the two of you, there’s one big obstacle that rises to the top when it comes to relationship difficulties: and that’s infidelity.
There are different forms of what could be considered “cheating” in a relationship, from physical to financial to even “cyber infidelity” that takes place online. But perhaps the one that’s the most subtle and under-the-radar is "emotional cheating."
According to the Institute for Family Studies, 76% of those surveyed said that a married person having a secret emotional relationship definitely counted as infidelity. This is even without a physical connection—just emotionally connecting with someone online and letting it go too far was considered very much to still be cheating.
Whether you’re dating someone, in a long-term relationship, living with someone or married to your significant other, you may have your own ideas of what constitutes as “betrayal.” But to inform both of you, what is emotional cheating exactly, according to psychologists? And if you do identify emotional cheating, can you heal from it? Or should you walk away altogether? We've got the definition and sexamples below.
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What Is 'Emotional Cheating'?
Dr. Karen Stewart, PsyD, sex and relationship therapist, says that emotional cheating is when someone forms a deep emotional, and sometimes intimate, connection with someone outside of their committed relationship, which undermines the trust and intimacy between partners.
“Unlike physical infidelity, emotional cheating does not involve sexual acts but can be equally damaging,” she explains. “Many people try to justify emotional cheating by saying the relationship is platonic when there are actually more feelings involved than in a platonic relationship.”
When a person invests time and energy into another person who’s not their partner, Dr. Stewart says that the consequences can be feelings of neglect, loss of trust, queasy feelings in the gut that something isn’t right, tears, heartbreak and sometimes the end of the relationship.
Dr. Kimberly Ciardella, PsyD, licensed psychotherapist and founder of The Path Wellness Center, says that emotional cheating can be subjective—what constitutes emotional cheating to one couple may be deemed as something else entirely to another couple, even if there’s a generally agreed-upon definition.
“You should define this within the context of the relationship you are assessing,” she advises. “This is why it is so important to have conversations with your partner about what constitutes a boundary breach when forming connections outside the relationship.”
No matter how a couple defines emotional cheating, Dr. Ciardella reflects that in her experience working with couples, emotional affairs often damage and rupture relationships more than physical affairs.
“For many people, the level of betrayal in knowing that a deeper level of intimacy was shared emotionally with someone else is far more extensive than a one-time physical act of intimacy,” she says. “Due to the level of investment that often comes with emotional affairs and the time and energy taken away from your primary partner, it often feels more painful to process and make sense of.”
With that said, Dr. Ciardella explains that it isn’t impossible to heal from emotional cheating, but it does take a lot of work to rebuild trust and repair the connection.
Related: What Is Gaslighting? 11 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting To Look for in Your Relationship
Emotional Cheating Examples
Dr. Stewart states some examples of emotional cheating, which can include spending long periods of time with someone who is not your committed partner, sharing intimate details with them and sharing feelings or details of your life that you may not be sharing with your partner.
“Emotional cheating may also include flirting or simply getting giddy or excited to see the other person, or hear from the other person whether by phone, text or in social media,” she observes.
You may also find yourself keeping things about your relationship with this person from your partner. You may be secretive or downplay inappropriate interactions with this person.
“This could be anywhere from deleting messages from the person, denying events or communications with the person or minimizing an interaction that your partner is questioning,” Dr. Ciardella says.
While it can help to pick up on potential signs if you suspect your partner of emotional cheating, always keep in mind that it’s best to talk to your partner directly.
“If you suspect your partner is being emotionally unfaithful, it is best to discuss this with them from a safe, open and honest place,” Dr. Stewart further asserts. “Ask for clarification and express your feelings rather than attacking them or their character or interrogating them over what you think you know. Attacks rarely get the response you’re looking for.”
And while there could be signs you’re looking for in your own partner, if you have become emotionally involved with someone, these are signs you can look for in yourself too.
Related: 15 of the Most Undeniable, Tell-Tale Signs You're Falling Out of Love
7 Signs of Emotional Cheating That You Might Not Even Be Aware Of
1. Being Secretive with Phone or Computer Use
“When one partner becomes secretive about their phone or computer use, or frequently hides messages and notifications, they are signaling to their partner that they’re hiding something,” Dr. Stewart says. “Since emotional affairs are about communication with someone outside of the committed relationship, the person being emotionally unfaithful will typically be on their phone and other devices way too often and are usually hiding or deleting the messages or communication exchange.”
2. Being Irritable When Dedicating Time to Your Relationship
Dr. Ciardella says that if you’re having an emotional affair, you may find that you’re irritable when you have to dedicate time and effort to your partner “because it is distracting or detracting from your time and attention to another relationship.”
“You are betraying your commitment to your partner and abandoning the work it takes to sustain intimacy and connection,” she adds.
Related: 35 Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to Therapists
3. Talking About a Person Too Often
A person having an emotional affair may talk about a person a little too often, praising them or their efforts, complimenting them or showing unusual excitement when their name comes up.
“I call this ‘coworker crushing’ or ‘teen attraction’ because the partner doing the emotional cheating might be acting like a giddy teenager who has a crush,” Dr. Stewart says.
4. Comparing You to Someone Else
“If you find yourself constantly comparing your partner to this other person, or thinking about how differently this person would be able to navigate relationship challenges over how your partner does, you are moving into a level of emotional investment in the other person over your partner and reinforcing resentment in your primary relationship,” Dr. Ciardella points out.
Related: If Something Feels a Little Off, Make Sure You're Watching Out for These 40 Relationship Red Flags
5. A Feeling of Emotional Distance
If you’re having the emotional affair, or if you suspect this of your partner, there might be a feeling of emotional neglect, distance or changes in engagement. As Dr. Stewart says, “Whenever one partner seems more emotionally engaged elsewhere, the void can leave a noticeable feeling of lack—it could be a simple lack of cuddle time, emotional intimacy or connection, not talking as often, or not getting that morning kiss or the big welcome home.”
6. Supporting Someone at the Expense of Your Relationship
“Emotional support for another person at the expense of your relationship can also signify emotional cheating,” Dr. Stewart says. “While everyone needs a shoulder to cry on sometimes, sometimes that shoulder should be reserved. While we want our partners to be caring toward others, there is a fine line between them taking this a little too far.”
7. Social Media Becomes All-Consuming
Dr. Stewart says that social media is a haven for emotional cheating.
“When social media becomes all-consuming and is taking up considerably more of your time, especially with one or a select few special people, that could also be considered emotional cheating,” she explains. “One of the biggest places people can hide their emotional cheating is on social media platforms. Innocent messaging with someone can turn into a full-blown emotional relationship quickly when people are sharing stories, pictures and experiences with others they have met on the internet.”
Additionally, Dr. Stewart notes that social media makes it easy to reconnect with past friends and lovers or that high school or college crush that’s finally giving you attention.
“Liking each other’s posts can quickly escalate to private direct messaging. It may start innocently, but the giddy teen with the crush can flourish behind a seemingly private wall as conversations escalate,” she says.
Up Next:
Sources
Institute for Family Studies: “What Counts as 'Cheating' in Marriage? Emotional Infidelity in a National Sample”
Techopedia: “Cheating Statistics 2025: Do Men Really Cheat More Than Women?”
Dr. Karen Stewart, PsyD, sex and relationship therapist
Dr. Kimberly Ciardella, PsyD, licensed psychotherapist and founder of The Path Wellness Center
