6 Things a Child Psychologist Wants Parents and Grandparents To Start Doing Now

Life lessons start on day one—literally. A crying infant is learning how to communicate. However, actions often speak louder than words (though both are important).

"Interactions between caregivers and their young infants and children are critical, laying the foundation for all future learning, building brain architecture and promoting language and social-emotional skills," says Dr. Jessica Mercer Young, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist, early childhood expert and principal research scientist with Education Development Center (EDC).  

Like any well-meaning parent or grandparent, you want to ace this caregiving thing and help your child pass life with flying colors. However, no one gets 150% in all aspects of raising a child (or life). You and the little ones in your life will mess up—and that's actually a plus. Dr. Young points to recent neurological research on the brain, which shows that making mistakes is a good thing. For instance, a 2023 study found that brain activity continues long after a person recognizes a mistake, which helps them avoid future errors. 

"Surprisingly, the research tells us that making a mistake is actually good," Dr. Young shares. She says mistakes are learning opportunities—and they're especially beneficial to children, whose brains are still growing and developing.

Ready to help a child's developing brain grow? Dr. Young recommends parents and grandparents start doing these things the next time a child makes a mistake.

Related: People Who Were Constantly Criticized as Children Often Experience These 8 Relationship Problems, Psychologists Say

6 Things a Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Start Doing

1. Normalize mistakes

"Nobody's perfect" isn't some trite phrase used in moments of toxic positivity. It's the truth. Expecting perfection from a child—or acting as if you are perfect—can set an impossible standard. Instead, normalizing mistakes and pulling back the curtain about your own slip-ups sets the stage for lifelong, positive learning. 

Dr. Young suggests letting your child know that mistakes are typical and part of learning. Then, be vulnerable and tell them a story about a mistake you made.

From there, Dr. Young suggests walking the child through the lesson you took from your mistake, which might include how you problem-solved or avoided it the next time.

Related: What's the Difference Between Authoritarian and Authoritative Parenting? Plus, Which One Is Best, According to Child Development Experts

2. Keep calm

It's normal to want to yell over milk spilled intentionally (all over a new carpet) because your child wanted the Baby Shark cup instead of the Elmo one. Try to take a beat or two (doo doo doo...). Young says a parent's reaction to their child's mistake can affect their mindset. 

In fact, a series of studies from 2016 found that kids with parents who considered failure "debilitating" were more likely to have a fixed mindset. However, children of parents who thought of failure as "enhancing" had higher odds of developing growth mindsets. Dr. Young suggests trying your best to avoid reacting in frustration.

Dr. Young keeps it real, though: "This is not easy," she says.

Keep reminding yourself (and your child) that mistakes are an opportunity to learn.

Related: 12 Phrases Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents to Stop Saying to a Youngest Child

3. Engage in reflection

Normalizing mistakes and staying calm when a child makes one doesn't make you a permissive caregiver. Reflection is part of the secret sauce to growth.

"Think of the mistake as simply part of the learning process and help your child to reflect on their mistake," Dr. Young says. "Ask them what happened, followed by, 'So, what could you do differently next time?'"

Related: 13 Things Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying to a Middle Child

4. Strategize with your child

Your child may not have all the answers right away, but caregivers can help guide them (without providing the answer for the child). Consider yourself more of a coach than a monarch, and help your child devise solutions or ways to clean up the mess (literal or figurative). Dr. Young says problem-solving is an essential life skill, so learning it early and often can fuel brain growth.

Related: 12 Phrases Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying to an Oldest Child

5. Teach them to embrace (and expect) failure

Your child wouldn't be walking if they didn't get back up after falling. However, pressures—from school and maybe (unintentionally) caregivers can make kids afraid to fall and fail as they get older. Help your kids remember their smaller selves.

Dr. Young says you might work with them on mantras like, "I'm trying to learn. It's OK not to ace this task right away. Trying new, challenging things and making mistakes help me grow my brain."

6. Avoid accidentally emphasizing perfection

"Practice makes perfect" is well-meaning but potentially harmful. Dr. Young prefers "practice makes progress," emphasizing that learning is the goal, not perfection.

Related: People Who Had Difficult Childhoods Often Develop These 8 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

What To Avoid Doing With a Child

Another plot twist: Dr. Young recommends avoiding saying things like, "You are so smart. "

Again, this phrase is well-meaning, but it has some long-term pitfalls.

"This can diminish children’s positive mindset toward learning," Dr. Young says. "Instead, link effort to pride or accomplishment."

Dr. Young suggests pointing out a child's hard work and process as they work toward a goal. You might say, “I noticed you worked really hard at that! How do you feel now?” Dr. Young says the child may not respond with a long, profound answer — one-word replies like "good" are typical.

Dr. Young suggests following up with, “You feel good? Wow, that’s interesting. When you work hard at something, you feel good about yourself." Another idea: "You feel really proud of yourself when you try to do something new and challenging."

These focus on the process and the child's feelings rather than a desired outcome.

Up Next: 

Related: The 10 'House Rules' A Child Psychologist Begging Parents and Grandparents To Adopt ASAP

Sources

• Dr. Jessica Mercer Young, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist, early childhood expert and principal research scientist with Education Development Center (EDC)

• Early Action Error Processing Is Due to Domain-General Surprise, Whereas Later Processing Is Error Specific. The Journal of Neuroscience

• Parents’ Views of Failure Predict Children’s Fixed and Growth Intelligence Mind-Sets. Journal of Psychological Science