Yahoo Lifestyle This Dad Shared That He's Thinking Of Leaving His Wife, And Hundreds Of Men Got Real About Whether Their Own Divorces Were "Worth It"
Deciding to end a marriage is a huge decision. Factor in kids, and it becomes that much more complicated. Ideally, though, it's a way out of a bad situation and a path to happier lives for everyone involved.
Recently, u/Laymans_Terms19 asked the fathers of r/Daddit: "Divorced dads — is it worth it?"
The post read: "The long and short of it is I'm not happy. There's no infidelity, addiction, abuse, or any of the things that make choices like this easy — it's just not there anymore. No spark, little sex, we're essentially roommates and co-parents. We're peaceful and civil. I've expressed my dissatisfaction and tried to do more on my end, but she doesn't seem interested in making any changes, just doing enough to keep me around to pay bills, fix stuff, and help with the kids. I'm already in therapy, she won't go (keeps saying she'll think about it)."
The dad in question also recognized that divorce takes a huge financial toll and can have a lasting negative impact on the children involved, so he was seeking the wisdom and guidance of other dads who have gone down that road. Here's what folks had to say:
Note: This article contains brief mention of domestic abuse.
1."I divorced when my kids were still in school. It really messed things up for all of us. Still dealing with it ten years later. I wish I would have tried to work it out and fight for it all. My marriage was just like yours. We were roommates, no cheating or anything. The grass isn't greener now. I've been through relationships, and I so long for the days when I had a whole family. Being divorced sucks. Being divorced with kids is really bad and affects your ability to find a new relationship. If you divorce and then just focus all your energy on your kids, and don't date, then I think it could be ok. I didn't do that, unfortunately; I fucked up."
2."I'm absolutely happier now. I'm no more or less broke than when married. But we had a very amicable split, which I don't think is common. She kept the house and took over payments in exchange for no child support. I moved out; I kept what was mine, and she kept what was hers. Took our own debts. Split kids expenses 50/50. Since we still get along well, co-parenting is pretty easy, and we help each other out when we can. I have a fantastic girlfriend, a bit over six months now. Kids love her; even my ex likes her. Am I bummed I lost a really nice house on a few acres with a nice shop? Absolutely. But was it worth it to break out of the 'roommates' situation and feeling like I'm just there to pay bills, clean, and take care of the kids? 110%."
3."Divorce HAS to be a last resort. Because it isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Depending on who gets the kids and how custody works out, you may have to pay a significant amount for child support. There could be alimony payments. You could be forced to sell things you don't want to or ever intend to. She could take things you don't want her to or intended for her to. And so on and so forth..."
"...In my experience with divorce, it is, at its core, the single biggest mistake of my entire life. It took me a few years to realize it. Leaving her was a mistake. Not for the child support, etc. But I do regret leaving her. I was unhappy, sex wasn't the greatest but was still good, the spark was fading, etc. But those problems can be fixed. With help and being honest with yourself, her, and any therapist you decide to bring in. I, and many other dads, paid a lot in child support. A full third of my before-tax income went to child support. After taxes were taken out, I literally could not support myself. I had to live with roommates in some pretty shitty apartments. Some were not very safe and secure. Divorce is your last resort. It is not pretty and will not be smooth and will definitely surprise you in ways you do not expect or want."
4."The grass isn't always greener. My neighbor asked me, after I got divorced, if I was happy. My answer was, 'I am less unhappy.'"
5."This is the answer. I am less unhappy, mostly, but it is hard. Co-parenting is hard, single dad life is hard, rebuilding your finances is hard, and dating is hard. I'm definitely happier than I was at the end of my marriage; however, if there was hope to fix your marriage and have hard discussions with your wife about that before going through a divorce, then I would recommend that!"
6."Six on one hand, half dozen on the other... I no longer have to put up with my ex-wife's shit. I no longer get to see my kids enough to feel like I'm a good father (I just feel like I miss out on so much of the daily stuff that you don't really think about when you're living with them full time)."
7."I couldn't live in a 'marriage' where my kid's mom slept in the basement, screamed and cursed at me, and worse. I made my decision because a lifetime of abuse and the cycles it creates (and potential consequences) were wholly unacceptable and the antithesis of the example I chose to set for my son."
8."I can speak as a child of divorce — it really never gets better until you become an adult. You spend your entire childhood secretly hoping somehow Mom and Dad will love each other again. If you guys aren't being toxic to one another then I'd really encourage you to try and find a path back to really loving and enjoying each other again. In my 20s, my girlfriend and I broke up for a couple of months. It honestly woke me up and shook me out of my depression/helped me realize that she was the best woman in the world for me — and I loved her desperately. We've been married now for 10 years come May. We have two beautiful children together. Been together overall for nearly 15 years besides the brief break..."
"...We've talked many times about how that brief separation helped us both realize that we needed to make some real changes in how we operated, in our toxic codependencies, and find our own individual selves again so that we could ultimately be better for one another. Maybe we were one of the rare instances where taking that time off from each other actually mended things tremendously and allowed our love to grow stronger. All I know is that I'm so glad that we never left each other’s orbit..."
"...I'd live with so many 'what ifs' had we never made our way back together. I know for a fact I'd only be a shadow of the man that I am today. I hope you can make a choice that brings you happiness and allows your family to live in that happy place, too. We all have our own paths, and at the end of the day — one thing you will need is for your wife to find her reason to care again. I hope she does so that you can have it all and a bag of chips. But it's not all on you to work it all out. It's gotta be a united effort."
9."Do everything you can to work it out. Divorce really sucks. It did not make my life better."
10."At the very least, figure things out for the kids."
11."I've been in a similar place, and it's horrible. I'm sorry. It just kills you — the thought that things COULD get better if you stick it out, and that would be amazing — keep the family intact and whole, avoid the cost and headache of divorce, etc. You feel like you are throwing that away, yet the current marriage is so... lonely/insufficient. It is hard. Divorce is terrible. It isn't just one change, it is a whole lot of changes. All of your family traditions — the experience of being together and doing something as a 'family' are affected. You will grieve and mourn each of them separately. I lost my relationship with all of my in-laws, with whom we spent holidays for 20+ years. These were people that I loved and cared about separate from my marriage, and I became an 'enemy' to some of them..."
"...The only thing worse than divorce is a bad marriage. In my case, there was a lot of anger/resentment, we did not have healthy relationship skills, my ex has a lot of anxiety and 1) wasn't aware that is what she was feeling all the time, 2) neither did I, 3) was not in treatment and did not have healthy coping skills in place. It was a mess. My happy ending, even though the divorce was way more painful than I anticipated — it was a huge relief to 'free' each other from the marriage. She is happier (as far as I can tell) and I KNOW it is a huge increase in my personal happiness. Not having the constant anger/criticism/resentment cycle playing out in my home every day was... very good. I healed, I dated, I remarried — and it is going SO WELL. Just night and day different. I still mourn the divorce for how it impacts the kids and the loss of larger 'family' relationships, but I don't regret ending an unhealthy relationship that was hurting both of us."
12."I was you. I decided to leave. Even with being left broke and having to start over, I would do it all over again if I had to. It's a little crazy what being stripped of everything and having to find yourself again will do to your personal growth. I am now over two years removed from the situation. I am in a better financial situation than I was with two incomes. I have a better relationship with my kids while spending half the time with them. I am the happiest I have been since I was a child myself, without a care in the world."
13."Made the decision to split up four days ago after years of being in a similar position. Scared shitless about what it’ll mean, but at the same time, feeling like I have control over my own destiny. For me, the tipping point as it relates to my kids was realizing that I have a hard time showing up as the best version of myself at home and recognizing that my kids deserve me at the best I can possibly be."
14."I got divorced 11 years ago. Pretty amicable one, though I guarantee you will hate each other when you start talking about money. It definitely damaged everyone, but in the end, it worked out to be a positive. The kids are ok. I am, too. The weeks off are something they don't talk about. You actually have time to be an adult and do hobbies and adult things you have forgotten about! And wow, the mindless dating was a blast. [...] But that's obviously not everything and not what everyone is looking for. I've calmed down and am happily engaged again. Kids are almost grown. We had and have a great life. It all works out, but I'll tell you there's a lot of pain along the way."
15."Your story sounds so similar to mine. Felt like my marriage got to a point where we weren't even roommates, but business partners where our business was making money and making kids. I was absolutely miserable. I found I began to even fear going home because of how dark that cloud was inside my own home. Sadly, I wanted to work on it and started going to a therapist. My wife told me she didn't see any reason she needed to go herself. I finally made the decision to divorce FOR my kids. I had identified my marriage was done, and it was making me a person I wasn't proud of. I wanted to be the best dad for my kids, but that wasn’t going to happen in that environment. I wanted my own kids to know that they don’t have to tolerate a bad situation, and I had been showing them the exact opposite. So, I chose to show them through action..."
"...Honestly, it sucked. It was difficult being thrown into a single-parent world. My youngest was three months old. But I was their father, and I knew I could do this. I focused on my kids entirely. I set out to prove that being a parent has nothing to do with gender. I avoided all romantic relationships. I realized I didn't need that. Actually found it funny to watch women run when I opened with, 'I have two young kids.' I was so obsessed with my kids that I didn't need anything more than them. I worked on myself for my kids. Began to cook my own healthy meals, worked out in my basement after the kids went to bed with the baby monitor within view, and spent meaningful and quality time with my kids..."
"...The relationship was not the best with my ex, but I kept my focus on my kids and did not engage in any argument. I know she talked some trash, and it was difficult to walk that high road, but I bit my tongue. No one needs to hear crap said about either of your parents, and it's worse when it's said to each other. It's been 12 years. My two teenage kids are both awesome! And I am extremely close to them both. See them 50% of the time, which is the worst part of all of this. They both are so excited for the days with me. There were a lot of bad, sad, rough times. But, my divorce was what forced me to become the dad I had hoped I'd become, the dad I am extremely proud to be. All that being said, it would've been way easier if we were able to work things out and stay married."
16."It was the best thing I could have done, though I was in a different position and didn't own a house at the time. However, as a child of two adults who should have gotten divorced, sometimes it's worse to stay together for the kids."
17."My wife and I were in our mid-30s in 2019, with two kids, 6 and 3 at the time. We were doing pretty well from the outside looking in, but I was deeply unhappy, and I think she was too. The biggest issue in our marriage (unbeknownst to me at the time) was my mom and the way she treated my wife. Her toxic influence was everywhere, so even though I was aware of the acute incidents and did my best to control the situation, I was basically just seeing (and responding to) the tip of the iceberg. Extremely long story short, we ended up moving across the country. I had never liked living in Indiana (our old state) and had made several unsuccessful attempts to leave over the years. After a blowout fight with my parents at the end of 2019, I was finally able to convince my wife to move away. I found a job in California, and we made our move over the summer in 2020..."
"...The change of scenery breathed new life into my marriage. We were truly on the brink of divorce in 2019, and I still lie awake thinking about how different (read: how much shittier) my life would be if I'd stayed on that track. I was unhappy and thought my wife was the source of my unhappiness, when in reality it was an impossible tangle of factors that all led back to two things: I hated where we lived, and my mom had an extremely toxic influence on our marriage. Since then, our marriage is as unrecognizable as we are. I've never done any single thing that changed my life for the better more than my move: our careers have skyrocketed in California in ways that they simply could not have in Indiana. Our kids are thriving. Our marriage is rock-solid, and we're in love like teenagers again. Everything is better."
18."No way to sugarcoat it — divorce is brutal and should be avoided, at least until the kids are grown. We split when my son was 2, and she left him with me (she had an affair). Might've been ok if I had remained celibate, but as soon as I remarried, she sued me for custody. I felt it was in his best interests to remain with me, so I fought it. She dragged it out for five years, causing huge stress in my new marriage and a large financial toll (not to mention mental health). Since his 18th birthday, I've never heard from her, which is bliss, but the price was high. Hell hath no fury, etc. Also, set me back financially 20 years compared to friends."
19."Here's the thing about marriage and having kids. It takes work. You get into a routine, and what you’ve talked about is COMPLETELY normal. I'd wager 60% of my relationship with my wife is spent in silence. After the first kid, she was a bit traumatized by what happened to her reproductive area, and it made us a bit sex averse for quite a time. The thing is, the love was still there. I'd do anything for her. A lot of a marriage is just coexisting and building a life together. Sex is such a small part of the overall experience. And when it happens, it's amazing. But you need to put effort into the relationship. Things don't just happen. You need to set your expectations. Things aren't going to magically be different after a divorce. There's this weird culture here in the US of jumping to divorce. It should be the last…absolute last straw and thing you do..."
"...You have to fight for that which you love. Marriage and relationships aren't easy, and you won't always be on a high. It ebbs and flows. Your resilience when things are down and the support of your partner will pull you through."
If you're divorced or have contemplated it, especially with kids in the equation, what's your perspective on it now? Share your story in the comments, or using this anonymous form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
