The mysteries of sex

According to people who know about these things, the average woman has sex anywhere from a few times per week to a few times per month.

We did the maths and figured out that, per year, that adds up to...Er, actually we had a little trouble with the maths. But we do know this: women have sex a lot, but still understand relatively little about what’s really happening between the sheets. No, we don’t mean where the body parts go. We mean more vexing matters. Like why do some things turn us on and some things turn us off? Why do our bodies work the way they do? And, of course, why do men have nipples?

Fortunately, there are people who know about these things – and we talked to a heap of them. Don’t consider your sexual education complete until you know...

Why he wakes up with a woody

There it is again, all up-and-at-’em at 7am. It’s a wonder you bother using an alarm clock. “Men tend to wake up with an erection in the morning because that’s when their testosterone levels peak,” says Sandor Gardos, licensed sex therapist and founder of mypleasure.com. Physically, his upstanding member is just as sensitive as ever, but because he isn’t psychologically turned on, he may not feel a great urge to put it to use. And if you do get it on in the early hours, expect a quickie – all that testosterone usually leads to a speedy resolution.

Why we sometimes laugh (or cry) after sex

Perhaps it’s your partner humming Celine Dion songs during intercourse, but more likely it’s a physiological reaction. “An orgasm instigates the release of powerful hormones, such as dopamine, epinephrine and oxytocin, all of which rile the emotions,” says Dr Pepper Schwartz, author of Prime: Adventures & Advice on Sex, Love and the Sensual Years.

The good news: you should consider giggles (or tears) a reassuring sign about the status of your relationship. If getting physical with someone moves you that much, you probably have a profound, intimate relationship.

Why boots make us feel like bad girls

An indescribable transformation takes place when a woman steps into a pair of knee-high boots, whether they have chunky soles or spiked three-inch heels. Images of Wonder Woman, go-go dancers, and rock stars flash across our subconscious, not to mention soldiers, revolutionaries, royalty and pirates. In short, they make us feel and look like a bad ass.

“There’s a long history of shoes and boots being associated with sexuality – as early as the 17th century, sex workers were advertising their services with boots,” says Dr Gabrielle Morrissey, sexologist and author of Spicy Sex .

“When you add height you get an extra sense of power and sexual dominance that’s alluring to both the wearer and who she attracts.”

Why their balls get blue

Ever heard a guy complain about having “blue balls” after a night of frantic groping that didn’t go all the way? He wasn’t kidding. “It’s possible for the scrotum to appear slightly blueish if a man has been aroused for a very long period of time,” Gardos says. During arousal, blood fills the genital area and stays there for as long as a person remains turned on. The longer it’s there, the less oxygen it has, and blood with less oxygen is more blue than red. The result: turquoise-tinted testicles that are just begging for release.

Why we're not the only ones in the relationship with nipples

In the very first stages of life, every foetus starts out as a female. “Males only become males with the addition of greater amounts of testosterone, which suppress the development of female sex organs,” says Gardos.

Hard evidence for that fact can be found about a quarter of the way down Johnny Depp’s chest in the form of two round, pinkish milk ducts. Nearly all mammalian embryos are decked out with mammary tissue from the get-go in preparation for future motherhood. So behind Johnny’s nipples lie the dusty, unused pipes and machinery that would have been used to breastfeed little Johnny Jr.

Why the clitoris is like an iceberg

Simple, really: you only see the tip. Attached to that euphoric pink knob (which packs 8000 nerve endings – twice as many as the penis) is a shaft three times its size. During arousal, this shaft fills with blood and pushes the knob out from under its hood. That’s not all. Attached to the base of the shaft are two arms that descend in a wishbone shape down the sides of the labia and back toward the thigh muscles. There are also two “bulbs” of erectile tissue located on either side of the vaginal opening. The going theory is that they help transmit sensation from the vagina to the clitoris. During the last stages of arousal, the domino effect sets in and electrifies just about every nerve ending below your belly button.

Why we should dial 'O' on the pink telephone

Beating the bishop, choking the chicken, spanking the monkey – there’s no end to the euphemisms for male masturbation. So why not for women? “Society is more permissive with males both in what they can do sexually and how they can talk about their sexual behaviours,” says Yvonne Fulbright, author of The Hot Guide to Safer Sex.

Indeed, most boys start stimulating themselves silly by age 13. Girls are often slower to start exploring and hardly ever talk about it until well into their 20s, if ever. But there’s hope, as women loosen up and make light of what happens when they’re alone and horny.

“Browsing for vibrators is a lot more mainstream than it was before. Around 80 per cent of our toy customers are women and it’s very unusual for them to be embarrassed,” says Luke Astill of Sydney sex boutique Toolshed. Some terms we’re hearing for female masturbation: polish your pearl, pet your bunny, water your flower, tiptoe through the two lips, and dial “O” on the pink telephone.

Why fat, hairy men display their bodies proudly on the beach (but we won't have sex without a dimmer switch

There you are enjoying the sand, sun and sound of the waves, when along strolls an Alf Stewart look-alike in budgie-smugglers. As your eyes accidentally meet, he smiles and winks. He couldn’t be more comfortable with his bulges. Meanwhile, you do your damnedest to avoid sitting at a 90-degree angle for fear of a roll of fat appearing in your midsection.

“Men generally have stronger self-esteem than women and aren’t going to let a sunny day go by worrying what their figure looks like,” says Dr Morrissey. “A larger part of men’s worth is in their financial or career status, as opposed to women, in whom achievement can be seen as a threat, whereas beauty is always appreciated.”

In other words, when Donald Trump looks in the mirror, he sees the male equivalent of Beyoncé staring back. Because these paunchy guys don’t associate their self-worth with a six-pack, they don’t care if the lights are on, the sheets are off, and the flesh is everywhere. But rather than criticise them for being out of shape, let’s salute them as a dying breed of human being who has yet to crack under all that pressure to look perfect.

Why our magazine isn't packed with viagra ads

When a woman pops a Viagra, it has the same physical effect as when a man takes one. Blood rushes to her genitals, causing vaginal swelling that’s identical to arousal. The difference is that when a guy gets a hard-on, he instantly craves sex. Getting a woman in the mood is far more complicated.

“Very few women have sexual difficulty because of a lack of blood flow,” says Dr Jed Kaminetsky, clinical assistant professor of urology at New York University. “The two most common problems are lack of desire and difficulty with orgasm, and they involve everything from relationship issues to self-esteem to hormone fluctuations.”

So forget the miracle pill for now. We’ll have to continue to make do with dimming the lights and downing a martini.

Why sex leaves us soaring, not snoring

Women complain about guys passing out the second sex is over. But don’t whine – gloat. For him, the rush ends abruptly. For you, sex isn’t over even when it’s over. “It can take us anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes to come down from an orgasm,” says Fulbright, “with bodily changes including ‘deflating’ of the vagina, and a return to our resting pulse rate, blood pressure and breathing.” Talk about a full-body workout.

Why Penelope Cruz is hot to men and women

If seeing Ms Cruz in a low-cut dress makes you think of more than how well she performed in Volver, you’re not alone. Plenty of women find feminine curves sexually alluring. It has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. It’s actually a preconditioned gut reaction.

“Kinsey was the first researcher to uncover that women’s range of sexual stimuli is a lot wider than men’s, who have strong turn-ons and turn-offs,” says Dr Morrissey.

Dr Schwartz adds that both men and women are taught to view women’s bodies as sexual symbols. “When we see an attractive woman in a bikini or an actress in a tight dress, our brain instantly associates those images with sex,” she says. For a lot of us girls, though, it prompts a flood of far less sexy thoughts like, “I wonder if she does yoga or pilates?” that often causes that spark to quickly fizzle.

Why our peak is harder to reach than theirs

The Seinfeld episode in which Elaine coins the term “sponge-worthy” isn’t far off: every guy might not be orgasm-worthy. “There’s an interesting idea about female orgasm called the ‘upsuck theory’,” says Deborah Blum, author of Sex on the Brain.

The gist is that when a woman climaxes, the muscles of her vagina pull upward, helping semen reach her uterus and increasing the odds of pregnancy. Some evolutionary biologists suggest that the female orgasm acts as a quality-control mechanism, preventing women from having children with men they don’t feel strongly about.

If sex with a certain guy hardly ever ends in fireworks, perhaps it’s nature’s way of saying he’s not what you want in a husband and father. If you go off like a cannon every other night, you just might be dating Mr Right.

Why you can finally stop looking for your g-spot

It’s named after Dr Ernst Gräfenberg who, in 1950, reported that some of his female patients experienced intense pleasure when an area on the front wall of their vagina was stimulated. Since then, large numbers of women have reported having “G-spot orgasms”. The only problem is that scientists can’t quite figure out what’s causing them.

“One camp of experts believe that the G-spot is the place where the roots of the clitoris crisscross the urethral sponge,” Fulbright says. “Others believe that, similar to the male prostate gland, it’s its own entity.”

And then there are those like Dr Terrence Hines, who, in an article published in The American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, described it as “a sort of gynaecologic UFO: much searched for, much discussed, but unverified by objective means.”

Either way, what’s important to know is that the area around the front wall of the vagina isn’t always an erogenous zone. So if you’ve gone looking for your G-spot but haven’t felt so much as a tingle, that’s perfectly normal.

What our bodies have in common with the liver of a shark

Let’s discuss vaginal lubrication for a moment, shall we? Turns out it’s comprised of a daunting list of ingredients, from water and lactic acid to squalene, which can also be found in sharks’ livers.

“Each component contributes to maintaining the delicate balance between yeast and bacteria inside the vagina,” Gardos says. (He had nothing to add about the shark thing.) As for where it comes from, the answer is through the vaginal walls.

“The action is similar to sweating,” Gardos says. “The walls of the vagina are constantly emitting moisture to keep the tissue healthy, and during arousal that amount increases.”

Some women get soaked, others are just slippery enough for action. A lack of lubrication is typically caused by hormone changes, dehydration, or a guy who hasn’t grasped the importance of foreplay.

Why our wildest fantasies involve mad, bad men

There you are, innocently strolling along the beach in a sheer white dress. Suddenly you’re surrounded by a small army of gun-toting Daniel Craig look-alikes determined to have you – shaken and stirred... From there the fantasy goes beyond what any R rating would allow. How is it that something that, in reality, would be so shocking could seem so enticing in our imaginations?

“A large part is that it’s completely taboo and we find extra excitement in that,” says Dr Morrissey. “Being overpowered, having sex with a workmate or sibling of your partner – things you’d never want to happen in real life are commonly fantasised about. A forced sex fantasy is about being so desirable that men can’t help themselves and have to have you. So there’s a hidden power within the fantasy of being overpowered.”