Yahoo Lifestyle Break a sex drought
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Get your sex life - and your relationship - back on track with this no-nonsense sex advice
Happy couples have sex four times a week. No, make that twice. Or is it every day? Of course, there’s no hard-and-fast rule about how often you should do it – but you know best when you’ve gone too long without.
Sexual droughts happen for a huge variety of reasons, and more often than you might think – according to the 2012 Women’s Health Sex Survey, 21 per cent of respondents have sex just once a month or less.
Whatever the cause, few people are content to skip sex entirely. Here, what may be behind your hot-night hiatus – and how to raise the temperature in your boudoir once more.
You’re just too busy to get busy
You’ve been fantasising about it all day – the sweet release your body’s going to feel when you finally kick off your heels, shimmy out of that pencil skirt, slide between those sheets, and...sleep for seven, maybe eight whole hours. Sex can feel like another chore on your to-do list – one that seems to be routinely prioritised below more pressing things. It’s a sad irony, considering that University of West Scotland, UK, research shows having sex at least once a week relieves stress – not to mention helping with everything from increasing your immunity to lowering your blood pressure.
Break the spell Chances are you and your partner both want to be having sex, even if you don’t always want it at the same moments, says Dr Debby Herbenick, a researcher at The Kinsey Institute and author of Sex Made Easy.
To help sync your schedules, find some time for cuddling. It may feel like any free moments you have together should be spent naked, but more important than getting it on a certain number of times a week is simply hanging out together.
“Research shows that physical affection, like hugging and kissing, is especially important to men,” says Herbenick. Aiming for intimacy over intercourse will take pressure off both of you, and it’s less likely that sex will feel like just another to-do on a long list.
Related: 10 strange sex facts
You’re not feeling sexy enough for sex
Anyone who’s ever attacked a plate of nachos before curling up on the couch with their bloke would’ve empathised with Jess on New Girl when she asked, “Is there a hot way of saying, ‘I don’t feel sexy after I eat a lot of cheese’?” Feeling overstuffed – or self-conscious about your body for any reason – can contribute to a lower sex drive, as can relationship issues such as brewing resentment.
“Sometimes women don’t feel comfortable bringing things up,” says Herbenick. “They may shy away from talking about self-esteem concerns, but part of intimacy is being real with each other.”
Break the spell No matter what’s affecting you, be honest with your partner about it (that means being honest with yourself, too). If he puts his hand on your stomach and you feel anxious about your food baby, don’t shut him down without explaining what’s going on in your head – and don’t be surprised if he hasn’t even noticed any extra chub.
“It’s best not to let it turn into a mind game,” says sexuality educator Dr Charlie Glickman.
“If something causes you to pull away, and your partner responds with resentment, that kind of pattern can easily lead to neither of you wanting to have sex. People think sex is the way to create closeness, but what often works better is focusing on whatever the real problem is. Then the sexual issues are easier to work out.”
You’re oh-so-bored in the bedroom
There was that time, early on, when you climbed on top and he moved his hand just so, and you saw stars. And then there was the time, later, when the exact same thing happened, and you wondered if you forgot to send that email at work.
The problem: even if it’s your favourite position, doing it over and over again is bound to get boring.
Break the spell Your sexual responses change, so be open to trying things you didn’t necessarily like a decade ago (just think of all the other choices you’ve made that would’ve been inconceivable to your Kurt Cobain-obsessed self).
If you don’t already know what those things are, experiment – in your imagination (perhaps add in the steaming barista you see each morning).
“Having sexual fantasies is helpful,” says Herbenick.
When you know what you want to try, tell him – but not just before, during or after sex. Glickman suggests having the discussion when you’re out walking so it feels less adversarial.
“Start off with something positive. Of course you have to be honest, but don’t tell him he’s not a good lover. Instead, explain there are things you want to try with him.”
Related: 35 sex positions
He’s no longer interested in sex
A WH reader named Erin recently wrote to us because her partner’s libido had taken a nosedive. Sadly, Erin’s not alone – while it’s often assumed that it’s the woman’s libido that’s waning when couples have a no-sex spell, WH sex expert Jacqueline Hellyer says, “In my clinical practice, with approximately 50 per cent of the cases of couples presenting with differing levels of desire, it’s the man with the lower desire across all age groups. The tired old myth of the men gagging for it and the women holding out on them is simply not true.”
Break the spell “Avoid buying into the men-have-higher-libidos myth – if you do, you’ll exacerbate the situation by thinking there must be something really wrong,” says Hellyer. “You’re always going to have a higher and a lower desire partner, and there are going to be times when one or both of you goes through a low-desire phase.”
But there’s no point feeling bad, or making him feel bad about it, she says. “If it’s stress or self-esteem related, you’ll just worsen the situation and emasculate him.”
If it seems stress-related, see how you can help reduce his stressors. And woo him a little.
“Men like to be romanced too, rather than expected to be up and ready at the drop of a hat (or your undies),” Hellyer says. “So treat him kindly and sweetly, give him gifts, bake him a cake, all the things that say I love you and I desire you.”
And how should you talk about “the issue” with him? Positively and constructively, says Hellyer.
“Let him know you desire him and how much you love to make love. Realise that sex is a normal part of life, so you should talk about it as though it’s a normal part of life. Talking about it doesn’t have to be deep and meaningful, or sleazy and slutty. Just be open with each other.
The voluntary hiatus
Sometimes abstinence makes the heart grow fonder – and the sex hotter.
Pre-wedding pause When you take a break so newlywed sex will feel as new as possible, that’s also one less thing to think about as you’re juggling seating charts, vow writing and the mountain of work you need to do before your honeymoon.
The focus-now-play-later pact Athletes abstain before big games so they can concentrate; you can do the same before major career moments. Blocking out sex so you can do your best work may make it better than ever when you prioritise pleasure again.
The single lady’s celibacy vow Not “in like” enough for sex? Have you had a run of bad dates? Solo vibrator sessions will help you find new things your body responds to, so when you are ready, you can ask your new sex partner for the stuff that gets you going.
