Yahoo Lifestyle When 17 Women Refused To Date Their Male Best Friends, Their Relationships Took A Sudden Turn
Recently Reddit user glorymactrack asked the women of the community, "[If] you have rejected male friends, how did your dynamic change with them?"
Turning down a male bestie's romantic advances can be an uncomfortable and cringe-worthy experience and seriously change the dynamic of a friendship (often for the worse, but sometimes for the better). These women shared stories of friendships that were lost, relationships that became stronger, and everything in between.
So, here are their stories:
Note: Some submissions include topics of sexual harassment and drug abuse. Please proceed with caution.
1."With one friend, it ruined our friendship completely. He was my best friend and then a week before I was set to move to another state, he told me he'd been in love with me the whole time. I didn't get this because he was also a massive 'fuck boy' who had slept with several of my friends. At first, I turned him down because of this, but later, I thought it over and thought, 'Why not?' He was a great guy friend, so surely he'd be a good partner, too? Wow, was 18-year-old me completely screwed over. Not even an hour after I told him I’d be open to dating, he said he didn’t want it anymore. He didn’t want to do long distance and was drunk when he confessed his love for me. Ironically, part of the reason I rejected him was because we were both drunk, and I didn’t want to make a lifelong decision in that state of mind."
"Long story short, our friendship fell apart. He started exploiting the fact that I’d gained feelings for him and treated me like a general hook-up. I only ever heard from him whenever we were in the same city, and he always made a move on me.
Worst of all, I let him, thinking maybe it would go somewhere this time. This went on for a couple of years of embarrassing myself before I finally hit rock bottom and realized how low my self-esteem was. Finally, I called it quits and let him go. That was around five years ago. Just a week ago, he hit me up again (after I ignored his first message), saying he’d be in my state again. I told him I was out of the country.
I stayed friends with a different friend for a long time afterward, but he seemed to drift away whenever I got into a serious relationship with someone. Everyone close to me is convinced he still has feelings for me, and I don’t know what to say.
They all want me to give him a chance, which irritates me because I’ve never seen him as more than a friend. I also don’t want a repeat of the first case, which ruined my life for a good two years."
2."My best friend confessed [his love] to me about two years ago. We have known each other since middle school. He told me over Snapchat, and it genuinely shocked me. I basically just stood there, not knowing what to do or how to react because I didn't see him in any romantic way. I was honest, we talked it out, and we kinda distanced ourselves for a few months. But we're still in contact because we both value our friendship a lot. It was weird, and it took me a while to get past it. However, fast forward to now — we are still besties, maybe even closer now because we communicate more openly. He doesn't have a crush on me anymore, and I have a boyfriend now. So, I am really happy that we were able to move past this and stay friends."
3."I've had several close male friends in my life (I'm 46), some lasting decades. My best friend throughout high school was a guy. Back then I would have said men and women can definitely be friends — no problem. But the older I got, the more it became obvious that all of my straight male friends weren't my friends at all. They were vultures waiting for their chance to swoop down and start tearing into me the moment I was in a stressful or traumatic state."
"Some of them tried kissing or groping me after car accidents or while I was sobbing because my cat died or when my partner overdosed. The more 'polite friends' I had at least tried to make sympathetic sounds when I broke up with a partner I had before they went in 'for the kill.' But every single one of them disappeared from my life after I told them I wasn't interested in dating them.
My friend, who I'd been close with since elementary school and besties since 10th grade, disappeared after I told him I saw him as a brother (this was a compliment, not an insult). I've had crushes on friends before, but I learned how to deal when they weren't into the idea of dating me.
Every single male friend I have ever had has abandoned the friendship once I told them I wasn't interested in dating them. Maybe straight male and female friendships are possible, but I haven't seen it work yet.
Women sometimes are able to put their feelings aside if the guy isn't into it and get on with life, but guys sometimes just go *poof* and are gone forever. Sorry for being so pessimistic, but it's a sore spot for me."
4."He was my best friend since I was 11 years old. He told me about a month before I got married at 19 years old that he was in love with me and always had been and was afraid he was going to lose me. We had spent nights together (never romantic, never kissed or anything), so I genuinely had no idea. He lived in Colorado at the time, and I lived in Pennsylvania. We talked about it for an hour, and I explained that while I loved him, it wasn’t romantic on my end. We had a few awkward texts and phone calls, but after a few months, it got better. We stayed best friends even after that until he died three years ago. So, I guess our dynamic really didn’t change (at least not on my end). He never gave me any 'attitude' or hatred about it, and I did my best to never make him feel uncomfortable about it. We talked about everything and anything. God, I miss him 🥺."
5."I always turn them down by saying, 'It's about me, not about you.' Basically, I make myself look like the bad one so that it won't hurt them, and the friendship can remain the same, and not change the dynamics. One time, a guy was being too protective, and I called him out. This led to an argument, and he showed me the worst anger I've ever seen from him in my life. We didn’t talk for 10 months, but he eventually apologized. We again became friends, but our bond isn’t as strong as it used to be. Now, I don't share much about my life with him and avoid meeting him in person."
6."He immediately got outwardly frustrated. He would walk through the house all angry and stomping around, slamming doors. He also resorted to drinking a lot more to cope. And don't even get me started on his behavior when I would spend time with other men in any capacity...our friendship has since ended."
7."I've had to turn down the advances of several male friends even though they know I'm a lesbian. So that's on them. Some stuck around, and some didn't. I'm still friends with a few of them, and others not so much. The dynamic definitely changed with a few of them after knowing that, though."
8."This has happened to me multiple times. Sometimes, they were rejected, and other times, they weren't. I dated a friend and had a tumultuous on-again off-again relationship that was the worst of my life. I dated someone else very briefly, but I then broke it off, and the friendship largely went back to normal — we were never quite as close after that. Another friend and me never dated, and the friendship continued, but it continues to be weird every once in a while and I think he still has feelings even over a decade later. And with the final male friend, I initially rejected him for five years. The friendship continued, and I eventually gave him a chance. Now, we've been happily married for six years and have two kids."
9."My best friend basically tried to kiss me once after years of being friends. I rejected him, and it was super uncomfortable, even though he apologized. It felt weird for a while — we didn’t hang out for a couple of months, and I felt 'played' and betrayed a bit. I believed our friendship was genuine. After some time passed, we just continued where we left things. He briefly apologized again, and we never mentioned any of it. We are still best friends to this day, and I’m glad we didn’t end it because I truly appreciate our friendship."
10."How did I feel about it? Bad — really bad, mostly because I'm the one who hurt him. He was my good friend, and our conversations were meaningful. Then he told me he liked me, and our conversations became weird. He asked many things, as if 'obsessing' over my daily life. Years later, he still liked me. The entire time, he was hoping I would have a change of heart, but I decided to end our friendship. I blocked all of his social media accounts and I made a new account so that I don't have to feel stressed anymore. But he still messaged me, and it was stressful. He always implies he wants more than a friendship every single time."
"I am not yours. I don't want to be yours. I'm not worth your time waiting forever for. We're growing older — please move on.
I'm sorry for hurting you, but I'm also not sorry for doing this. It had to end, and it was tiring. I wished we could have remained friends, but it was impossible."
11."We weren’t super close, just kind of ran in the same circle. Honestly, he wasn’t great about it. I knew he was interested and I wanted to spare him the rejection, so I simply tried to avoid interacting with him and particularly being alone with him. When he finally managed to corner me, he blamed me for 'not letting him say his piece' (I don’t remember the exact wording). Things were a bit weird for a while until he got together with the woman he ended up marrying. Eventually, our friendship circle lost touch."
12."I had a male friend whose company I really enjoyed. We liked a lot of the same things and had great, long conversations, mostly about books we were reading or things we had written. It was a topic that my significant other had no interest in. He knew I was in a relationship, and though we hung out one-on-one, it was always during the day in a public place. Now and then I would get an inkling that he had a crush, but I was quick to squash it (at least I thought so). When he confessed his feelings, I can't say that I was shocked, but I was disappointed. Him being a fellow book nerd, it was rather intense and flowery. I reminded him right away that I was attached."
"Of course, being conditioned by society, I apologized for anything I did to encourage those feelings (even though I don't think I did). I gently explained I did not feel the same. He thought for a moment and said, 'Then I don't think we should hang out anymore. It would be too difficult to talk to you and know that I could never be with you.'
I truly don't understand how, in a matter of minutes, he went from professing his certainty that we were soulmates to never wanting to see his 'soulmate' again.
As I age 'out of my looks,' there's a certain comfort that men may be friends with me for my personality 🤷🏼♀️."
13."Well, I usually ignore them for a while, give them space to process everything, and then we get back to talking if they are comfortable with that. Honestly, I don’t feel uncomfortable being friends with someone who’s into me, but I do not mind if they wish to cut me off post-rejection. I respect their decision. It hurts, but we move on! But in most cases, the dynamic changes."
14."It didn’t actually change much, and we are still friends 12 years later after we sat down and talked about how we wouldn’t work out in a romantic way. We wanted different things in different ways. As we grew up after that ordeal, things never really changed. I have a partner, and my male friend has one now, too. Sometimes, people work better as friends due to the dynamic of who each one is. To be honest, we had those conversations at 14 years old, and I think as we continued to grow up, we realized that being friends was the best part about us. He’s basically my brother. We had way too much of a sibling dynamic to be a couple without making it weird. I know it doesn’t work that way for everyone, but I sometimes think there are still good outcomes for things like this."
15."Rejecting a male friend has happened to me a few times. The first time, they were never really a friend. They got angry that their 'niceness coins' didn't result in a relationship, and they got angry with me for having opposite feelings. These people weren't friends. They were vultures who didn't value my friendship outside of what they might get out of it. I don't lose a wink of sleep over that."
"Another time, I had two friends who had feelings for me. We are still very close, but our boundaries are a bit more pronounced than I have with other friends.
For example, I'll ask if they want a hug instead of jumping them with one like other friends. I'm slightly less physically and verbally affectionate — we don't talk about certain subjects because we're considerate of one another.
The confession and emotions happened, and we don't forget that, but we do keep building our friendship on a better foundation."
16."I'm no longer friends with them. I immediately cut them off, mostly because they felt I was 'obligated' to give them a chance because I was kind of dying at the time. Like, who the fuck says that shit? I’m better now, but it made me look at men in a weird way for a while."
17.And finally, "I initially had a crush on my male bestie when I left home for college for the first time. I told him that I made out with a guy on a first date (I was seen as a very 'innocent' girl by people, and by 'innocent,' I mean someone who does nothing 'precarious'). He told me I had 'lost my innocence' and I shouldn't have done it. Later, I found out he had feelings for me, and he acted out because he was concerned for my 'safety.' But he was actually jealous. So, when we reconciled, we both had some feelings for each other. But when I rejected him and said I wanted to be friends and nothing further, he told me 'how dare I say no.' I cut off that friendship four years ago, and despite repeated begging, he will not receive my forgiveness."
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
Now it's time to share *your* story! If you've ever rejected your friend romantically, what happened afterward? Tell us in the comments below (or in this Google Form if you want to remain anonymous).
The best submissions will be featured in a BuzzFeed Community post!
