Why Therapists Are Begging People To Stop 'Dry Texting'

Ashley Broadwater
·10-min read

When it comes to dating trends, you may have heard about “zombied dating” (perhaps the new ghosting?) or experienced a once-every-two-months texter firsthand. Relationships are all about communication, and unfortunately, the way that plays out can get muddy, especially when "dry texting" comes into play.

While texting isn’t the greatest mode of communication (it’s hard to detect someone’s tone with just words on a screen), it’s necessary at times. But when you text someone, therapists urge you to avoid a specific texting style called “dry texting.” Find out what this is, and why it can hurt relationships.

What Is ‘Dry Texting’?

“Dry texting” is a bit of a funny term. Does it mean texting in a dry area? (Or is that just my dad humor shining through?)

In this case, “dry” means boring or lackluster. “Dry texting is when people respond in text message conversations with one-word answers or don’t carry on a conversation,” says Dr. Denitrea Vaughan, PsyD, a licensed professional counselor-supervisor with Thriveworks in Grand Prairie, Texas who specializes in relationships, self-esteem and stress. “They may only respond with abbreviated phrases like ‘OMG’ and ‘LOL’ or one emoji with no words or phrases, to the point where the other person becomes extremely frustrated or bored."

Related: 70 Texting Abbreviations Everyone Should Know

As mentioned, these kinds of texts can make the receiver feel bad or lessen their confidence in the relationship.

“Dry texting is a series of texting behaviors that can make someone appear disinterested, busy or uninvolved,” says Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, podcaster, researcher and author of What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship. Examples she shares include one-word replies, short answers, ignoring part of a message or regularly neglecting to reply over long periods.

Why Therapists Are Begging People To Stop ‘Dry Texting’

1. It burns the relationship down

Picture a dwindling fire. With dry texts, that’s what the people in the relationship are probably looking at—especially if there aren’t meaningful in-person experiences to make up for it.

“It reduces and eliminates hope of a relationship or friendship evolving or growing,” Dr. Vaughan says, “because you don’t give the person the opportunity to experience your character or get to know you on a deeper and more intimate level.”

The end result of a dwindling fire? No one feels warm.

2. It can hurt the other person

Feeling like the person you’re texting isn’t putting any thought or effort into your exchange can make you worry or feel unimportant, even if it isn’t the sender’s intention. “By shortening words and taking key phrases out to explain yourself, things may be misconstrued or seem as if the dry texter does not care about the person or topic,” Dr. Kelley says.

3. It can come across as unprofessional

If you’re texting your boss or coworker—or other person, for the first time—Dr. Kelley encourages sending a more thoughtful message. “There is an assertion that dry texting can sometimes be used more often when healthy intimacy is already established between two people, but when getting to know someone, or in a professional relationship, it is normally not a good idea,” she says.

Dry texting can look like you’re not willing to give the person the time of day, or don’t care about their question.

Related: 7 Phrases That Instantly Make You Sound Classy, According to Etiquette Experts

4. It can cause frustration and boredom for the receiver

Dry texting can cause the receiver to become disinterested, which could hurt the sender too. “[The receiver] loses interest in maintaining any kind of relationship with them, and may feel like the other person is not interesting or interested in them,” Dr. Vaughan says. Then, the two may disconnect, grow apart or feel like they can’t call on the other person.

5. It can come across as rude or hostile

Being short with someone over text is like being short with them in person. It’s just not polite, and can even be offensive “especially if the receiver is taking more time to express themselves or seek out connection with the other person, and they are met with dry texting as a response,” Dr. Kelley says. A more equal exchange where you’re both giving and taking around the same “amount” is probably best.

6. It’s unclear communication

You’ve probably heard over and over again that healthy, clear communication is a staple of relationships. Since texting often leaves room for miscommunication, it doesn’t quite fit the bill. “It’s difficult to fully assess how others are feeling without tone or expression, so words are all there is to fall back on when texting,” Dr. Kelley says.

7. It shows a lack of effort and engagement

Besides communication, effort is another key factor that keeps relationships going. In a dry text, it’s just not there. “When people receive dry texts, they may feel that it’s a sign that the other person is trying to create distance or avoid the conversation,” Dr. Vaughan says. If the sender doesn’t understand that, they may be confused why the receiver then backs away from the relationship.

How To Avoid Being a Dry Texter

1. Set aside time for texts

Maybe your friend won’t stop asking questions about your plans that night, but you’re buried deep in errands and work. Sending a dry text (without even thinking about it) can be tempting when you’ve got a lot on your plate.

To help, Dr. Kelley encourages set “text times,” perhaps at lunch or while you’re relaxing on the couch after work. Having scheduled time for texting gives you the opportunity to send a thoughtful text. “Being mindful of what you are texting, or rereading it if needed, can be helpful,” she continues.

2. Send thorough messages from the get-go

Dr. Vaughan recommends avoiding one-word answers and opting for full sentences instead. “Elaborate on your response by explaining your answers without them having to ask,” she says.

Adding an emoji or two is okay, as long as they're accompanied by words. “Emojis were designed to enhance conversations, not be/carry the conversation,” she adds.

3. Consider calling instead

Texting is more comfortable than calling for many of us; plus, it can be done quietly and gives the receiver flexibility in responding. At the same time, a call can be better than a dry text—even if it requires the other person to call back later.

“While [texting] can be efficient, it is not best to always be the typical way to communicate,” Dr. Kelley explains, “and a simple phone call, even [just to say] you just need to call to make plans, is a nearly lost art in our modern time.”

4. Go deeper

Small talk has its purpose and time, but know when it’s time to end small talk. “Ask some challenging/open-ended questions to display interest and demonstrate that you want to get to know them,” Dr. Vaughan suggests. “Asking questions that help you learn how they think, feel and respond to challenging situations are great ways to get to know another person.”

To use the fire analogy from earlier, deeper conversations keep the fire going and growing.

Related: 14 Best Phrases to End a Text, Plus the #1 Way You Don’t Want to Finish Your Message, According to Psychologists

5. Know when to avoid abbreviations

Sending “IJBOL” is a fun addition to a text, and “BRB” is great when the dental assistant finally calls you back. However, abbreviations can be inappropriate in deep or intense circumstances.

“Try to avoid abbreviations if speaking about something serious, with someone you are trying to connect with or in a professional setting,” Dr. Kelley advises. Typing the sentence in full, she explains, shows you care and are willing to put forth effort.

6. Be the one to reach out

Taking turns initiating the conversation is another way to keep a relationship alive and thriving. If you haven’t reached out in a while, consider it. “If the other person is always initiating contact, they will eventually lose interest because they will feel like you are not as interested in them as they are with you,” Dr. Vaughan explains.

3 Situations When It’s OK to Dry Text

Dry texting isn’t always a huge no-no. Just like spelling out abbreviations is appropriate in some situations, dry texting can be appropriate in some too. Here are a few scenarios when it’s A-OK, according to Dr. Kelley:

  1. You’re driving and opt for an auto reply to stay safe.

  2. You need to answer a quick question to cover safety or logistics with a partner or co-worker (and the rapport is built and/or the work culture supports it).

  3. You want to drop a short “hello” or “thinking of you” to someone.

Dr. Vaughan believes dry texts aren’t preferable in most situations, however. “Even if you’re busy, that is what should be communicated,” she says. She recommends saying something like:

  • “Sorry I don’t have time to respond to you right now the way I want to. I'm currently engaged with work or about to start driving, but when I find the time later today, I will get back to you.”

  • “Wow, this is a deep question. I would like more time to ponder it to make sure I can give you an intelligent/in-depth response. Can I get back to you tomorrow or no later than the weekend?”

More Communication Tips:

Dos and Don’ts of Texting, According to Psychologists

For more general best practices for texting, check out this list from Dr. Kelley and Dr. Vaughan:

Do

  • Let someone know if you can’t respond for a while

  • Fully read what they said to you before pressing “send”

  • Schedule texts if you don’t want to wake the other person up

  • Quickly call someone or reach out if a text message is misunderstood

  • Check your grammar and spelling, especially if you’re using the voice-to-text function

  • Be respectful, kind, loving and even fun with your words

  • Be mindful of the possible tone of your texts

  • Respond ASAP (even if it’s letting them know you need to respond later)

Don’t

  • Ignore a text entirely if you wish to continue the relationship—but do give yourself compassion when you do and explain why

  • Cover intense topics like death announcements, critiques and politics

  • Avoid the person’s text when you noticed you forgot to reply

  • Fight with someone over text (aka “fexting”) if the other person hasn’t agreed to this—but do use text to organize thoughts and resolve arguments if it’s okay with the other person

  • Screenshot your text messages and share them with others, unless the sender said it’s OK

  • Use emojis so much that it makes you seem unserious about the conversation

  • Get angry at a loved one for not replying right away (People can’t be available 24/7!)

  • Send confidential information

  • Text and drive

  • Send a bunch of unnecessary words

Basically, consider being a bit more thoughtful and kind in your text messages. For example, you might want to say “Looking forward to seeing you tonight at 7!” before a date rather than “See ya” or “C u l8r.”

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Related: The 6 Best Flirty Emojis to Text Your Crush, According to a Relationship Psychologist

Sources

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