Yahoo Lifestyle "Why Do People In Open Relationships Always Look Like 'THAT'?": The Responses To This Viral Question Is Grabbing The Attention Of Millions Of People
If you didn't already know, polyamorous people engage in romantic connections with multiple people at once. It's kind of like polygamy (which is essentially an open marriage), and shows like TLC's Sister Wives have really brought this lifestyle into the spotlight.
And, recently, on TikTok there has been a lot of buzz around poly people after this viral question was asked: "Why do people in open relationships always look like that? I am being very non-specific here, but you know exactly what I'm talking about."
TikToker @realandrewbriggs elaborated, "I just really want to know what lifestyle or behavior or really anything is happening that causes this weird correlation in looking like that and then having this desire to share your partner with other people. I don't understand, like, whatever that thing is that's causing this. I want to avoid that at all costs. Like, one, because I'm not interested in that kind of lifestyle. But two, I mean, it's just...how does this happen? I have a working theory on this, okay, and it's kind of mean. It's not my idea. Don't shoot the messenger here. I saw some meme once upon a time that was like, 'Somebody will have an open relationship, just so they can date three '3's and say they're in a relationship with a '9.' Unfortunately, I don't know if that's how the scale, which is nonsense, really works. You know, it's not like a cumulative thing, guys. I just don't know how this shit's happening. It's like the most confusing thing in the world to me. Never, — not never — rarely have I seen an '8,' '9,' '10' in an open relationship. That's all I'm saying. And if you have, they're usually the shot-caller."
The TikTok has garnered over 6 million views, and poly people are making response videos:
In the video above, a woman named Maddy has nearly a million views with her simple response: "...I'm polyamorous, and this guy is basically spot on. I mean... ya know? That's the end of the conversation," she giggles and ends the video.
And Maddy was praised by commenters for her nonchalant response:
As well as validated:
That being said, licensed therapist Lee Tepper, LISW-S also went viral for giving their take:
In their video above, which has nearly 800,000 views, they explain, "The reason why all poly people look the same to you is because they have the aura of a person that genuinely doesn't give a fuck about what you think. Quick thought exercise, instead of asking, 'Why do all poly people look the same?' What if we asked ourselves, 'What do all poly people have in common?'"
"And the answer to that is rejection of social norms and rejection of social expectations that you on the ground are reinforcing through your policing of how people look and what their appearance is. When they don't give a fuck about what you think about how they look and what their appearance is. I work with a lot of poly people, and that means I also work with a lot of neurodivergent people and a lot of queer people under any alphabet of the umbrella like the overlap is for a reason, because it is also a rejection of social norms and a rejection of expecting yourself to follow that even when you are in a community or in an environment where that is expected of you, how badass just saying."
"And you know, I'm not poly myself — just to be clear — but I work with a lot of poly people, and you better believe I'm going to ride for them, and I'm going to say what the real tea is, because this is like growth. You know, it's like, why are we talking about this? I think you're also trying to have a roundabout conversation around how you see people's expressions of neurodivergence without the masking, without saying, 'Why do neurodivergent people look like that?' Maybe it's a hot take, but that's what I'm hearing. People are allowed to have masks, and if you're uncomfortable, great, that's fine. Welcome to life in the world. Just maybe don't, like, shit on an entire group of people that already get shit on," they conclude.
However, after Lee made their video, they were met with a different type of reaction:
Despite people agreeing with their take:
BuzzFeed spoke to both Maddy and Lee to dive into this a little bit deeper.
Maddy said she made her response video because she saw so many people on TikTok angry about the question — and she was not upset at all.
She told us she responded the way she did because she interpreted "looking like that" to mean polyamorous people are "a bit alternative and open to many concepts" — and she also took it as a joke.
She further explained, "A lot of people in the comments understood it as all polyamorous people are ugly, and that's why they are polyamorous. But I have been involved with plenty of very hot polyamorous people, so it doesn't offend me."
On the other hand, Lee has some thoughts about the conversation in general. "I want to first recognize that my take on this conversation as a monogamous therapist is in the spirit of advocating on behalf of communities I'm not a part of, not speaking for them. I have seen poly and non-monogamous people respond positively, saying they get it, it's funny, and it almost feels like an inside joke. I think it became offensive when people started approaching the conversation with an offensive mindset," they explained.
In addition, Lee said that they genuinely have never experienced as much hate and bullying as they did after posting that TikTok. "What prompted me to make this video was the overwhelming amount of hate and bigotry present in discussions about polyamorous and non-monogamous people, particularly regarding their appearance. While I am monogamous myself, I specialize as a therapist in working with LGBTQIA+ individuals, many of whom hold other identities that exist outside of the hegemonic norm."
"In my practice, I frequently see overlapping intersections of identity, including individuals who identify as LGBTQIA+, non-monogamous, neurodivergent, or those who demonstrate a strong sense of individuality and independent thought. I wanted to highlight — through a celebratory lens — the shared experiences that arise from rejecting social norms and expectations. Unfortunately, much of the conversation around these identities focuses on bad-faith criticisms, reinforcing harmful narratives rather than acknowledging the resilience and joy of self-expression."
And there is repeated criticism seen in the comments: "I kept seeing comments implying 'looking like that' meant a lack of personal hygiene, being visibly queer, inhabiting bodies outside of the beauty and fitness industry norms, and not respecting people's boundaries. People who commented on the video assuming I am poly called me 'it' and 'an example' of what the original creator who started the conversation was trying to express. My work supporting and caring for people who are poly/non-monogamous doesn't just end at my office door; it means showing up in moments like these to — at the very least — be a voice that humanizes and uplifts these communities," Lee explained.
Maddy also told BuzzFeed she couldn't help but notice how many people were saying poly people are unclean. "I noticed that a lot of people commented on my post saying, 'At least you look clean.' I mean, when you're going on a date, you shower, right? So don't you think that someone who dates multiple people would be hygienic and clean? I don't know any greasy polyamorous people to be honest, LOL."
Finally, Lee left us with these thoughts: "What if, instead of policing and condemning people different from ourselves, we admired the courage it takes to show up as your most authentic self? I invite you to admire that, despite being marginalized, criticized, and oppressed, people continue to live as their authentic selves. They show up in the world in ways that make them feel most comfortable and express themselves fully, even in the face of judgment and disdain; to me, that is iconic."
