Yahoo Lifestyle ‘Are TikTok’s ‘We listen and we don’t judge’ couples OK?’
There are certain scenarios that really make me wish I had a partner. Like seeing couples cosy up together at Winter Wonderland, skating around the ice rink hand in hand, sharing kisses over steaming mugs of mulled wine. Other times, I’m reminded just how grateful I am to be single.
This week, I’m feeling particularly drawn to the idea of spending my days alone — and, by alone, I mean sans a significant other but surrounded by my girls, gays, and theys (and cats, obvs) — and it’s all thanks to TikTok’s ‘We listen and we don’t judge’ trend.
If you haven’t come across it yet, the trend sees couples tell ‘secrets’ to their other half and the whole premise is that their partner can’t judge them for the admission. Some of the trend’s most popular videos have racked up millions of likes and, while a lot of the videos are harmless (see: the woman getting a sneaky Greggs Chicken Bake on her lunch break despite ‘eating vegan’ with her partner), others scream ‘toxic relationship’. Take one clip, for example, in which a woman admits to serving her boyfriend a refrigerated glass of her own piss after an argument instead of apple juice. Sorry… WTF?
“Sometimes, I don’t really have a headache,” a different woman says in her TikTok video — alluding to the lie she uses to get out of sex with her partner. In response, and with the shrill noise of children in the background, her partner says: “Sometimes, I go into the bathroom and hide when I hear chaos in the house, just so you have to handle it and not me.”
“We listen and we get divorced,” someone replied in the comments section — offering what seems like an obvious solution to this couple who many would argue are in an objectively unhealthy relationship. “His [answers] are all about avoiding his responsibilities,” someone else says of the man’s weaponised incompetence, as another points out that his admissions could be the reason why his wife ‘fakes’ those headaches. Although, let’s remember that you shouldn’t need to lie to a partner to get out of having sex, simply not wanting to is a valid enough reason.
“Sometimes when you’re playing video games and I want attention I’ll just unplug the [wifi] router,” another girlfriend says in her video, inadvertently telling the world her boyfriend would rather be in a relationship with his Xbox. In her next confession, she admits to purposely leaving hair all over his car in case he wants to cheat on her.
It’s all very toxic and leads me to question: What the f**k are these people still doing together? I’m not alone in this line of thinking. “You’re just not meant to be together,” one TikToker says of a collection of couples taking part. “Some of the people in these videos really don’t like their partners, and not only do they not like their partners, they go out of their way to hurt them… doing things that demonstrate spite, lack of loyalty, and outright disrespect.”
“I’m begging people to realise divorce is an option,” someone agreed in the comments, as another wrote: “They do realise they’re free to leave the relationship, right?” A third echoed my own sentiment: “You know what? I love being single.”
Despite research showing that single, child-free women are the happiest subgroup of the population, and that 72% of single people in general are content (citing having more “freedom”), it seems from the ‘We listen and we don’t judge’ trend that so many people would rather remain in an unhealthy relationship than face life alone. But why?
Well, there are downsides to being single, a lot of which are economical, with research revealing that life as a non-partnered person costs an extra £860 a month. Arguably, the pressure to ‘settle down’ in a traditional sense (see: mortgage, marriage, babies) could be another factor, as well as the bleak dating landscape the internet is constantly reminding us about. Not to mention that because society is structured around the family unit, usually with a couple at its heart, loneliness can also be a factor.
“People stay in relationships with unhealthy dynamics for a variety of reasons,” says Dr Lalitaa Suglani, award-winning psychologist and dating expert at eHarmony. “Often, it’s due to fear, such as fear of being alone, fear of conflict, or fear of losing the comfort and familiarity of the relationship. For others, there may be hope that the relationship can improve, or a belief that the unhealthy behaviour isn’t significant enough to warrant leaving.”
Whatever the reason these couples choose to remain together, I do question how long these relationships will last if they’re already keeping such secrets from each other and — in some cases — engaging in spiteful behaviours as a result. Although difficult and upsetting at the time, surely it’s better to call time on an unhealthy relationship sooner rather than later? If things are this bad now, they probably aren’t going to be much better two, three, or even ten years down the line — especially if a TikTok trend is your only outlet for honesty with your partner.
“While trends like this can provide a starting point for self-awareness, they should not replace genuine communication,” explains Lalitaa. “Social media creates a kind of ‘safety net’ by allowing people to frame their confessions in a playful or light-hearted way, without fully owning the weight of the secret.”
“If watching or participating in the trend brings up feelings of discomfort or recognition of unhealthy patterns, it’s a sign to pause, reflect, and take meaningful action to create healthier connections,” she adds.
With healthy connections in mind, while this year marks another that I won’t be posting loved up snaps from Winter Wonderland, I’m comforted by the knowledge that being single means the door to finding a happy relationship is open. Ultimately, being single can be daunting (and costly), but there are countless positives, too — freedom to prioritise your own needs and desires; time to achieve your personal and professional goals; independence to make decisions for yourself. Oh, and let’s not forget, the satisfaction of knowing every glass of apple juice you drink is just that.
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