“Survivor 47” recap: Andy has his sweet revenge

"I acknowledge I’m doing you dirty, but I’m a dirty player."

The auction is back! Survivor is giving shout-outs to poutine! And, apparently, Andy is now starring in a gender-swapped version of a Freddie Prinze Jr. movie! But there will be time for all that nonsense later, because all I can think about right now is… Sol’s Secret Agents???? First off, love it. Big fan. I also appreciate that he has already assigned the organization the catchy acronym of SSA. Yes, there could be some confusion with the already clearly established SSA that is the Social Security Administration, but we’ll deal with that once Social Security becomes completely insolvent… which should be any day now.

I’m completely, 100 percent on board with signing up to be a Sol Secret Agent. Just a few quick questions before I sign on the dotted line, though.

• Like, do we work for Sol? Is this kinda like Charlie’s Angels, where we only communicate with him through a phone speaker and just sort accept whatever weird assignment he gives us? And do we also have to feather our hair and pose in swimsuits for best-selling posters?

• Does the orientation training video for all of Sol Secret Agents include The Karate Kid, each sequel, the Jaden Smith remake, and all six seasons of Cobra Kai?

• Do we at least get a T-shirt or any sort of SSA swag? (And leftover Social Security t-shirts do not count.)

• Finally, is there a rookie hazing process that involves chopping up a fresh coconut and not spitting out all the water inside?

You know what? Don’t answer any of that! I’M IN! Go tell Sam to announce it, island newsbreak-style, for all to hear! (Well, everyone except Rick Devens, who may not be so psyched to see the young buck swiping his BREAKING NEWS hype.) But before I go fill out all the paperwork on my Sol’s Secret Agent application form, let’s get to what else went down on this week’s episode of Survivor 47, right after one quick public service announcement....

You may have noticed the comments are back at the bottom of the Survivor recap, and I was blown away to see so many people weighing in on our first week back after a multi-year absence. It’s so awesome to see this community coming back to life. So please make sure to once again leave your thoughts there, interact with each other (in a nice way), and hit me with any questions and I will respond to you there… as long as my new boss Sol says it’s okay.

Related: Survivor 47 star Tiyana Hallums says 'my heart literally dropped all the way to hell'

Finders weepers, losers keepers

I’m honestly not sure what is worse: not even trying to run through the jungle collecting bamboos of cash like my main man Bruce Perreault, or actually trying and not finding a single one. I do know which one was funnier. The shots of Andy walking right by bamboo tubes while other people plucked them right up were straight-up comedy. Think about it: BRUCE FOUND MORE THAN ANDY AND WAS LITERALLY NOT EVEN TRYING!

By talking so much during the search about how he was not finding any cash for the auction later, I think Andy was hoping someone would take pity on him and just hand him one of their tubes. NOPE! Didn’t happen. The visual of Andy just standing there in the back as everyone else counted their cash was mildly traumatic for anyone ever on the short side of middle-school classroom Valentine collection, but was still a straight-up money shot. No pun intended. Okay, maybe slightly intended.

But maybe Andy inadvertently stumbled upon an amazing Survivor auction hack. After all, if you have no money, there is no possibility of losing your vote! Clearly this was not Andy’s intent, but he may have just Mr. Magoo’d his way to the ultimate fool-proof strategy for beating Probst at his own game. Imagine in Survivor 49 if they put all those bamboo tubes of cash out in the jungle, and the entire tribe collectively busted out their best Anika Dhar impersonation and was like, “Nah.” Would be the best thing ever.

Related: Survivor 47 exclusive deleted scene shows big fear of women's alliance

Anyway, after that strategically-perfect futility, it was on to the auction itself. Some quick hit thoughts on that.

• I don’t understand! These people saw the auction on Survivor 45, so why weren’t they all trying to get rid of all their money as soon as possible to not lose their vote? Someone explain it to me! Teeny got it, handing over all her cash for some mac and cheese, but why, oh why, did Sierra bid only $800 for a margarita and chips, leaving herself with $260 and a very real chance of going vote-less? So odd. Also, do we now officially have a Survivor margarita curse? First, Kellie Nalbandian, and now Sierra.

• This is not the first time Kyle has struggled on the island with eating something that used to have a heartbeat. We watched this dilemma play out in an exclusive deleted scene earlier this season, and it happened again when he won a plate of buffalo chicken wings. But instead of passing on the protein, Kyle dug in while also noting that he had “That feeling like you’re about to do something, and that something might be wrong. Look what this place has done to me. It’s turned me into an animal. I’m a little disappointed in caving.”

I’m sure this turn of events was very difficult for Kyle to watch back on TV, but the only one that would be holding anything against him for that would be himself. For viewers, it was another fascinating window into the ethical compromises one has to make to live on an island for two weeks and counting.

• I don’t know why Jeff Probst all of a sudden took on what I assume was supposed to be a Shakespearean accent??? I was super confused for a second, but then quickly morphed into Boon from Animal House and was all “Forget it, he’s rolling.” And then I got really into it, hoping he would keep the accent for the entire episode, or at least bust out a very Survivor-apt Macbeth monologue:

“Is this a dagger which I see before me,
The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.
Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible
To feeling as to sight? or art thou but
A dagger of the mind, a false creation,
Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?”

Alas, t’was not to be.

Related: Survivor host Jeff Probst reveals how he secretly tallies the votes

• I’m honestly not sure how I feel about the “Survivor Cash Back Program” in which contestants paid for food to drain their wallet, but then had to take cash back along with their dishes. It was obviously meant to throw a wrench in players’ plans to get rid of all their money, but it also just seemed like kind of a non-factor and wasn’t enough money to really make a difference. And yet if it had been more than $60 returned then it would have come off as totally unfair. So don’t know if that one really landed.

• Of course, I love it when people have to eat live grubs on national television, so generally appreciate this auction twist of folks having to compete for something called “The Survivor Outwit Outplay Outbreakfast Sunrise Spectacular.” But I would have tweaked the rules a bit. Instead of saying everyone had to compete for the $200 dish and then the losers got their money back, wouldn’t it make more sense to have people have to pay $200 just for the chance at the breakfast platter, losing their money either way, thereby raising the stakes? And having them pay the $200 before they know what the competition actually was?

The only problem is the auction is now set up to try and force people to keep their money for as long as possible, which is why Probst was acting vaguely allergic to $20 bills during the entire proceeding. Still, that seems like it may have raised the stakes a bit and added an extra element of risk vs. reward to have that non-refundable $200 buy-in — especially if they had done it really early in the competition.

Anyway, super impressive the way Sam just threw those grubs down. He was faster than a modern-day Saturday Night Live cast member breaking character to start laughing in the middle of a sketch. A thrilling victory that hopefully at least cushioned the blow of him later losing his vote… and then his closest ally. Also, props to Caroline for taking a giant bite of the ceremonial Austin Li Coon fish eye. If only she could have used Julie’s toothbrush after.

• There was an era of Survivor where pretty much every outing had an idol clue or advantage hidden there. The franchise eventually pulled back from all those random discoveries where, like, a clue would be hidden in a napkin and if you happened to sit there, you were the lucky ducky. However, we’ve definitely seen shades of that returning on Survivor 47, first with last week’s winner feast advantage, and then this week’s French fries idol clue. Rachel was the fortunate recipient of the fries idol clue, because evidently every advantage now somehow magically makes it way to her like she is wearing a David Letterman suit of advantage magnets.

Even if Rachel didn’t actually do anything to earn the clue, it's pretty amazing she was able to take the machete and cut open the tarp to retrieve the idol with the entire tribe sitting right there. My Spidey sense tends to tingle whenever someone hovers over me with big machete, but maybe I am still scarred from that creepy shot of Matthew von Ertfelda channeling his inner Colonel Kurtz and sharpening his knife after waaaaay too long out in the jungles of the Amazon.

Related: Survivor 47 recap: Another week, another heartbreak

Bucket list

You all know I’m not a fan of too many line-people-up-to-do-something-for-as-long-as-possible challenges, but for some reason this dumb bucket holding one always appeals to me. Maybe it’s because I take a perverse joy in watching people suffer on my TV screen, but it’s just more dramatic when you see people hurting and sweating and pushing through the pain as opposed to, say, balancing a ball on a bow.

Because passing out just one necklace is soooooo passé these days, there were once again multiple immunities on the line — one for the woman who outlasted all others, and one for the man who went long and strong. (Did that sound oddly sexual? My bad on that.) For the women, Sue easily won — a truly remarkable accomplishment for the oldest contestant to thoroughly dominate the field at the ripe old age of… checks notes… 45.

On the men’s side, it came down to Kyle vs. Andy. What a moment that would have been for Andy — who recently was the subject of a restraining order filed jointly by both Saw and Rope — to pull off that win, especially considering the weight of his bucket. But it was not to be, as Kyle nabbed a third consecutive immunity victory. “This is not good,” Kyle noted after. “It’s good for me today, but could be the death of me tomorrow.” Maybe, but you can’t at this volatile stage of the game do anything but try your hardest to win. Kyle’s already seen as a massive challenge threat, so at some point you just have to either keep on winning or convince everyone that juries don’t respect or reward challenge wins, which is 100 percent true.

I will say that I do wish they had let Sue and Kyle battle it out for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or something to see who would have lasted the longest, if for no other reason than to hear Probst say “Allllllllright…” for the millionth time.

Related: Survivor 47 contestants explain their biggest pet peeves (exclusive)

Gata about to get got

I don’t know exactly who to credit for the target moving from Tuku to Gata. We saw early on in the episode that Genevieve was keen on getting out a Gata, and Rachel specifically, but after the challenge, the edit tried really hard to credit Andy for the move. I’m not sure I buy that Andy had the social and strategic capital to spearhead that shift, but regardless of who was actually pulling the strings, it is always undeniably fun to see a non-respected player recognize their lowly status within an alliance and take steps to take out the folks who never see it coming.

“He’s not a threat,” said Sierra in a confessional interview that you could tell right in the moment would come back to haunt her. “He’s not someone I’m worried about in the game, so it’s like, might as well drag him along a little longer until we can no longer tolerate him.”

Andy’s assessment of the situation was spot-on. “Sam and Sierra still feel like they own me. They have me in their pockets. They look at me as an expendable piece and sort of a weak player.” This commentary was accompanied by a dramatic shot of Andy taking his glasses off and shaking his hair out in slow-motion as he talked about having his “She’s All That makeover moment.” That’s all well and good, but why he’s got to dis and dismiss such Freddie Prinze Jr classics as Summer Catch and Down To You? (Perhaps it’s because Summer Catch currently has an eight percent Rotten Tomatoes score. The score for Down To You? Three percent. Which must be a mistake because I feel like any movie with both Julia Stiles and Selma Blair is guaranteed at least double-digit status. I demand a recount!)

While the edit started to position Andy as getting the move in motion, it seemed like the real discussions on which way to go were centered around the Lavo three of Genevieve, Sol, and Teeny — each with their own agenda. Genevieve wanted Rachel out because she saw her as the head of the snake. Teeny saw Sam as the head of the snake, so either they could not agree, or the Gata snake is apparently of the mythological two-headed Hydra variety.

So while Genevieve wanted Rachel out, Sol wanted to protect Rachel (SSA!!!!) because he had just saved her with the Safety Without Power advantage, so he was leaning towards Sierra. However, Teeny had built up strong bonds with Sierra, so she was pushing for Sam. The whole thing was starting to turn into a convoluted game of “Who’s on First?” but once producers showed Teeny telling us “My vote’s going on Sam tonight, that’s for sure,” we at least knew he was not going anywhere.

Related: Survivor 47 star Rome Cooney got a 'salty' reception at Ponderosa

Sierra Mist

There was an interesting development at Tribal Council outside of merely learning the identity of the voted-out victim, and no, I am not referring to Gabe’s analogy of the 1914 Christmas Truce — an analogy that no doubt caused Drew Basile to kick himself somewhere for not awkwardly working into Survivor 45. During the voting, they showed Rachel appearing to reach into her bag and take something out. Ah, the French fry idol! They then continued to show us lots of shots of her fumbling around with it in her pocket — like Gollum unable to keep his hands off his Precious.

So when Rachel stood up to play something after voting, it seemed pretty clear she was using her idol. But no! Fake news! It wasn’t the idol at all, but rather her Shot in the Dark. What the…? If Rachel felt vulnerable, why mess around with the SOTD, and why not just guarantee her safety with the idol? But rethink that drink, because what Rachel did was actually pretty gosh darn smart. Remember, you can stack advantages, idols, and SOTDs, and yes, I realize that upon quick glance SOTDs reads waaaaaay too close to STDs, so I’d like to pause for the cause and apologize to Rachel for associating her with both Gollum and STDs in less than 150 words.

But the point stands! So what Rachel could do here was play her Shot in the Dark (I’m spelling it out from now on), and then if it did not work and she sensed people were nervous when she got up to play it, she could then go play her idol as well. Sneaky! But what else would you expect from one of Sol’s Secret Agents?

And she was safe, with Sam and Sierra ended up tied for votes. Then, another weird wrinkle in that because Sam had no vote due to the auction, Sierra was actually allowed to vote against him on the revote. While that may have seemed like a massive advantage to tip the scales on the revote, the truth was that the Tuku/Lavo/Andy alliance could all pile on whichever target they wanted at this point, and that target was Sierra.

Related: Survivor 47 star Sierra won't eat hermit crabs in exclusive deleted scene

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“I acknowledge I’m doing you dirty,” said Andy while casting his revote. “But I’m a dirty player.” Say what you want about this season’s George Costanza, but he has truly delivered with his vote-off comments this season. And in true Costanza fashion, he did the exact opposite of what his former allies expected.

And now, Sierra becomes the first member of the Survivor 47 jury. I’m sure that was of little consolation to her in the moment, judging by her tears while she delivered her final words. Clearly, she and Sam did not do enough to make Andy feel like a valued alliance partner. That’s not a moral failing, by the way — but it is a game one. It also probably didn’t ultimately matter that much as Lavo and Tuku would have taken her out with or without Andy’s vote. And if Sam follows her next and Andy makes it to the final three, producers should seriously consider going back to the old school finale Q&A format just so we can watch Sierra and Sam address Andy directly before casting their million dollar votes. My hunch is there would be no Christmas truce for that one.

Okay, a few reminders before you get out of here. Comments below are open! Weigh in with your thoughts, converse with each other, or ask me a question and I’ll respond. It’s so great to bring this community back to life after so many years away, so thanks for participating. And we’ll have plenty more coverage for you, including an exclusive deleted scene, our exit interview with Sierra, and Probst’s take on the episode, so make sure to check all that out. And in these topsy-turvy times, you can at least count on one thing — next week will have another scoop of the crispy ready and waiting for you.