‘Sonic the Hedgehog 3’ Is the Worst Kids’ Movie in Years

There is a moment in every writer’s life when they ask “Why didn’t I go to law school?”

For me, it was a Tuesday night in New York City, surrounded by kids hopped up on complimentary Sour Patch Kids, watching Sonic the Hedgehog 3. This animation and live-action hybrid is a loud, mirthless, chaotic, and confusing affair, entirely devoid of soul or wit. This is a movie you take your 9-year-old nephew to when he won’t shut up about Pokémon and you need something to occupy him for a few hours before you lose your mind. Outside of that context, it is entirely worthless.

The movie, out Dec. 20, stars the voices of Ben Schwartz as Sonic, the hyper blue hedgehog from outer space, a pale imitation of Bugs Bunny or Woody Woodpecker in the “lovable jerk cartoon animal” department. His two buddies are Tails, a yellow-ish fox voiced by Sonic veteran Colleen O’Shaughnessey, and Knuckles, a red echidna voiced by Idris Elba, who is admittedly a little amusing. Their playtime of running around in circles (to a modernized version of German pop star Nena’s 1983 hit “99 Luftballons”) is interrupted when a secret military group called G.U.N. (the good guys, I think) coerce the three rodents into service because another furry from space is causing trouble in Japan.

That would be Shadow, a darker blue hedgehog who has been kept in a tank for 50 years. Voiced by Keanu Reeves (speaking slowly and with great importance), Shadow came to Earth on a meteor and was exploited by the government because his great speed could power vast turbines. But now he’s free, and he’s pissed.

There’s a big battle in Japan that involves lasers flying all over the screen. Then, after some Japanese marshmallows sing The Jackson 5’s “I Want You Back,” the trio joins forces with their former nemesis, the Eggman, aka Dr. Ivo Robotnik, played by Jim Carrey. Carrey, who has pretty much stopped appearing in studio movies except for the Sonic franchise, has decided on a performance style that I suppose you could politely call “a choice.” It mainly consists of sticking his belly out and doing a voice that sounds like Robin Williams at his most zany crossed with the “I Got Starbies Girl.” What else did it remind me of? Hmmn, let me think. Ah, yeah, the time I had to see a doctor for an inflamed hemorrhoid. It reminded me of that.

Anyway, for a while you think Dr. Robotnik is good, but then he turns out to be bad, especially when his grandfather (also played by Carrey) shows up. The two team with Shadow to conquer the world. Robotnik the Younger gets a musical dress-up montage set to “Firestarter” by The Prodigy, then the two get an extended dance number set to “Galvanize” by The Chemical Brothers. (It was at this point when I popped out of the auditorium for a moment to get my own complimentary Sour Patch Kids.)

While we’re talking about needle drops, Shadow has a flashback to “50 years ago” in which a character turns on a record player and we hear “End of the Line” by Travelling Wilburys, which was actually released 36 years ago. Steam was coming out of my ears on that one.

Our team of good guys, which also includes James Marsden and Tika Sumpter as humans, has to pull off a Mission: Impossible-like heist that involves running around the major tourist destinations in London. Then they all fight in space and shoot more lasers at one another.

The jokes, such as they are, are mostly characters talking like internet memes. Sonic offers praise by declaring “10 out of 10, no notes!” and an angry, foiled Robotnik curses “damn you, autocorrect!” Again, your 9-year-old nephew may be amused. But he may not notice when Sonic, in a heated moment, quotes Malcolm X. Seriously. (This may be a sly reference to a recent inclusion of a different Malcolm X quote in a Sonic game’s soundtrack. I’m not joking about that either.)

I don’t want to sound like a curmudgeon, but, man, this movie truly is rotten. (If you want to see a terrific recent animated film aimed at preteens, check out last summer’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem—that one’s funny, creative, and has a great look!) This is pitiable corporate sludge. But by hitting theaters over Christmas break, and considering the success of the previous two entries, it may still make a ton of dough. No need to hedge your bets on that.