The hilarious Deirdre Fidge is back to recap this year’s season of The Bachelor.
Wowee zowie! We’re only two episodes in and I’m already covered in second-hand embarrassment sweat. What just happened? Strap on your feedbags and let’s have a yarn.
The Honey Badgelorettes are waking up in the spinster-pad, presumably well-rested thanks to Cayla’s magic crystals or whatever. DING DONG, OSHER ALARM!
It would be irresponsible of us to promote excessive alcohol intake, so we won’t recommend any drinking games. That said, if someone were to place a slab of West Coast Coolers on the table and suggest downing one every time Cass says “I already know Nick” maybe that would be fun? Just sayin’.
Just kidding! The date is actually being winched out of a helicopter, because nothing says romance like defecating your pants mid-air.
Naturally it’s time for Mother Nature’s best cures for settling anxiety: seafood and liquor!
Shannon says her “morals” mean you should never kiss a guy on the first date, even if you want to. I guess these 1950s principles work on Nick because voila, here comes a rose.
Meanwhile back at Mean Girls Manor, a group date card appears!
The lucky ladies are Brooke, Aleksandra, Christina, Sophie, Cass, Cayla, Cat, Alisha, Romy and Vanessa Freaking Sunshine, which in my opinion is about 294 too many people for an enjoyable date.
Bingo bango, it’s a bloody photoshoot! The theme is “Things Nick Is Passionate About” which includes things like ‘80s music’ but not, sadly, ‘inventive euphemisms for oral sex’ (see prior reference to feedbag).
By some MAGICAL STROKE OF LUCK, the least-likeable contestant Vanessa has to wear overalls instead of something revealing (although she clearly doesn’t travel in lesbian circles because gosh darn it – dungarees are sexy).
Of course naughty schoolgirls come out to represent Nick’s “passion for education” – HAHAHA. Good on the producers for at least trying to pretend they weren’t just choosing a cliche.
Jesus Christ, this episode is just non-stop action. Suddenly it’s the next day and Nick is bursting through the mansion door.
Romy is invited out to lunch! Congrats, one of several blondes I get confused with the others!
Romy tries to insert her entire body into Nick’s ear cavity, but is rejected politely.
FINALLY – it’s everyone’s favourite time of polyester frocks, hair extensions hanging freely and excess alcohol being plied down hungry women’s throats: the cocktail party!
Romy describes her mistimed peck as a “hot” and “romantic” kiss, proving her to be an even greater storyteller than that old man who used to come into my work and spin yarns for an hour when I was 16 and worked at a newsagency.
Wipe your tears ladies and knobs, it’s time for the rose ceremony.
Tensions are almost as high as those hemlines, am I right ladies! Sorry. Anyhow, Nick starts chucking out flowers to the gals and honestly… good on him for remembering that many names.
And it’s goodbye to Renee and Juliana, two athletic blondes we barely saw.
Now that the numbers are on the decline, we can only hope this leaves more room for drama and conflict – I mean, romance and true love. Until next time, fellow losers.
You can follow Deirdre Fidge on Twitter here.
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