Psychologists Are Begging People To Avoid Falling for This One Common Manipulation Tactic Used by Narcissists

No matter who you are, you have likely come across someone in the course of your life who is trying to manipulate you. In an effort to persuade you and play upon your emotions in order to get what they want, many of us have immediately spotted, or eventually spotted, the traits of a master manipulator. But there happens to be one specific manipulation tactic that’s particularly sneaky, and it’s a favorite among narcissists.

Parade spoke with two psychologists who have shared plenty of insight about narcissism and give warnings about some specific behaviors to be aware of.

Related: This Is the #1 Response a Narcissist Cannot Stand, According to Psychologists

What Is a Narcissist?

“A narcissist is someone who has an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others and a need for admiration,” says clinical psychologist Dr. Kanchi Wijesekera, Ph.D. “Their behavior often revolves around maintaining a positive image and avoiding criticism.”

Dr. Wijesekera also points out that narcissism exists on a spectrum, and while some may show traits without a full diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, others might have behaviors that significantly impact their relationships and daily functioning.

Christine DeVore, Psy.D., adds that narcissists are willing to exploit or hurt others to fulfill their own needs for attention and admiration.

Related: 11 Subtle Signs of Narcissism That Are Easy to Miss, According to Psychologists

Why Do Narcissists Manipulate People?

Dr. Wijesekera explains that oftentimes, narcissists use manipulation tactics to maintain control, avoid accountability and boost their own ego. 

“They may also believe that these tactics are necessary for their survival or success,” she says. “Due to their fragile self-esteem, underlying feelings of inadequacy and fear of abandonment, they manipulate others to stabilize their own sense of self-worth and to ensure that their emotional and psychological needs are met, often at the expense of others.”

Related: People Who Grew up With a Narcissistic Parent Usually Develop These 15 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

Avoid Falling for This Narcissistic Manipulation Tactic, Psychologists Warn

Gaslighting, a form of manipulation in which someone will make a person question their reality and perceptions, is the top tactic employed by narcissists, according to our experts.

“One manipulation technique that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder use often is gaslighting,” says Dr. DeVore. “You may have realized that you weren't being treated well in the relationship and set firm boundaries, only for the person to come back and tell you that it wasn't that bad or that you are overreacting.”

Dr. Wijesekera also notes that over time, gaslighting can erode someone’s self-confidence and make them doubt their own sanity.

Although narcissists generally know their way around an effective manipulation tactic, Dr. DeVore emphasizes that it’s not necessarily about “begging people” to stop “falling” for things. “People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are very skillful at getting what they want, and it's not your fault for ‘falling’ for it,” Dr. DeVore says. In other words? You should never feel bad if you realize that a narcissist has been trying to manipulate you. It’s not your fault.

Related: 35 Phrases To Disarm a Narcissist and Why They Do the Trick, According to Therapists

"Hoovering"

Another common manipulation tactic used by narcissists is called hoovering, a technique used to draw former partners or victims back into their lives.

“It often involves a sudden display of affection, apologies, guilt-tripping or promises of change,” Dr. Wijesekera says. “The goal is to reel the person back in, often to continue the cycle of abuse.” The term comes from “Hoover” vacuums, likening the approach to “sucking” people back into their lives, as Dr. DeVore says.

“It might seem at first glance that it's because they love you so much, but in actuality, it's more about maintaining a sense of control and power in the relationship,” Dr. DeVore says.

Related: 10 Classic Mind Games Narcissists Play in a Relationship, According to Psychologists

Other Manipulation Tactics

There are some other manipulation tactics to be on the lookout for if you’re dealing with a narcissist. According to Dr. Wijesekera, these can include:

• Triangulation: This involves bringing a third person into a relationship to create jealousy or drama.

• Love bombing: This is a period of intense affection and attention, especially early in a relationship as a means of control.

• Stonewalling or Withholding: This involves withdrawing emotionally or refusing to communicate as a way to punish or control the victim.

• Projection: Accusing others of their own undesirable behaviors or emotions to deflect accountability.

They may stop at no lengths to carry out these manipulation tactics, as Dr. DeVore says.

Related: The 7 Things a Narcissist Always Does at the End of a Relationship, According to Psychologists

How to Combat Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics

Dr. Wijesekera lays out the steps of coping with and confronting a narcissist’s manipulation tactics. She advises:

• Believe yourself: If you feel like something is wrong, it probably is. Don't let a narcissist convince you otherwise.

• Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries and stick to them, no matter how difficult it may be.

• Seek support: Talk to friends, family or a therapist about what you're going through.

• Consider leaving: If the situation is unsafe or harmful, it may be necessary to leave the relationship.

Related: 35 of the Best Phrases for Setting Boundaries

Dr. DeVore goes on to say, “It can be easier to set boundaries when the person is not trying to actively manipulate you. When your mind feels clear, think about what limits and boundaries you need to feel safe and happy. Write them down if you need to. Then, when the person tries to ‘hoover’ you back in, stand firm. It's okay to acknowledge that you're tempted to return, or even that you still love the person and that it feels good to have them want you back. But these feelings aren't a good reason to go back on the boundaries you've already set.”

If you’ve been hurt or manipulated by a narcissist, you’re far from alone. Dr. Wijesekera says, “If you find yourself affected by someone with narcissistic behaviors, remember you're not alone, and help is available. Educating oneself about these patterns, engaging in self-care and possibly seeking therapy are proactive steps toward healthier relationships and personal recovery.”

Up Next:

Related: The 10 Earliest Signs of Emotional Manipulation To Look Out For, According to Psychologists

Sources

• Dr. Kanchi Wijesekera, Ph.D., clinical psychologist

• Christine DeVore, Psy.D., clinical psychologist