Best age gap between children?

We know that we should wait 30 minutes between eating and swimming, put out the rubbish every week and go to the dentist twice a year. But how long or short a gap should we put between having children?

There are various theories on the ideal spacing of babies. Some feel it’s too exhausting to have children back to back, while others say it’s a great idea as the difficulty pays off later when two infancies end almost simultaneously.

With longer gaps, older children are often (but not always!) keen to get involved and can be a great help by fetching and carrying things, and amusing the new arrival.

In terms of health implications, both short and longer age gaps pose potential problems, says Warren Cann, a psychologist and the executive director of the Parenting Research Centre.

“Studies have shown that waiting 18 to 23 months after the birth of your last child before conceiving is ideal, as there can be health complications for both mother and baby where the interval between birth and conception is very short, and also when it is very long – five years or more,” Warren says.

“What we don’t know is whether or not that is because of the physical impact of having a baby, or if it is more caused by the social problems, like stress or poverty.”

It’s been found an age gap of between two and four years often produces the worst sibling rivalry, while there seems to be less jealousy if the gap is more than five years or less than 18 months.

“But it’s not just the age gap that determines the quality of sibling relationships,” Warren reveals. “For example, gender can play a part.”

The best advice, he says, if you have a choice, is to wait until you feel you can cope with what you have now before you start planning to increase the demands of being a parent.

Keeping kids close together
There are plenty of reasons to have children close together. You might want the kids to grow together and be constant companions, or you just might not have time on your side.

Generally speaking, the closer in age your children are, the harder work it is in the early months and years.

“It is definitely do-able, but having children very close together is stressful,” says Warren. “The support that you have has a significant impact on your stress levels and parenting, too. For example, the mothers of twins or close siblings are at higher risk of postnatal depression.”

The payoff comes when the children are older, as they will hopefully play together and amuse themselves, and looking after them is less work for you.

Financially, with smaller age gaps you will probably have all the necessary equipment from your first baby, such as the bassinette and cot, bath, car seat and highchair, plus hand-me-down clothes and entertainment items such as toys and books.

Childcare may be a consideration, too. If you are working, it may be easier to organise care for two or three children of similar age rather than having years of different childcare arrangements. However, the financial strain may be more as you’re doubling the cost of care.

A little breathing space
For some parents, it takes a few years before they feel emotionally ready to have another baby. Other couples plan a long gap as they believe it allows their children to be individuals, while for others with fertility issues or health problems it just works out that way.

A longer gap of three years or more means you’ll be back caring for a baby just when it seems like you’ve started to get the hang of parenthood.

“On the other hand, you may feel like you’ve had a good break from the breastfeeding and sleep deprivation, and are ready to do it again,” says Warren.

Waiting until your child is older and in preschool, or school, can make it easier for a second-time mum to spend more quality time with each child without feeling like she’s constantly under pressure.

“There are so many benefits to a longer age gap,” believes Warren.

“The older child learns to take a little bit of responsibility for the baby and what it is like to care for somebody. The younger sibling gets stimulation not only from their parents, but also from their older siblings who are constantly playing and talking to them. The other thing with spacing is that there seems to be less competition for parental attention.”

While a longer age gap does mean you may need to restock all your baby equipment or make sure that your old equipment meets the current safety standards, at least you won’t have to double up on things like nappies or formula. You can also spread the cost of actually having the baby and childcare over a few years.

If you are planning to have this type of gap, taking time out from your career could be a consideration. Bear in mind, too, that if you’re going back to one wage after living on two incomes you may need some careful budgeting


We had two under 2
Jane, mum to Zoe, 2¾, and Isabella, 16 months
Mark and I planned to have our children close together, because we were in our late 30s and didn’t want to miss out on adding to our family. Zoe was just over 16 months old when her sister Isabella was born.

It was difficult when they were really young and needed attention. Feeding was tricky, as Zoe often wanted to crawl onto my knee and show me where the baby’s eyes and nose were. The upside was that as they were both young, they slept during the day, so they were sleeping at the same time and I could rest. And when they slept at different times I had one-on-one time with each.

As they get older, and have similar requirements, I don’t feel like I am doing much more than I would be if I had one. I don’t have to get one off to school or other activities while looking after a baby. Their routines are often the same, too.

I breastfed both children, which eliminated formula costs. Nappies were pricey, but I was vigilant about finding specials and stocked up on boxes when they were on sale. We already had all the baby equipment we needed and only had to invest in a pram with a toddler attachment when we had Zoe. The only other additional item we had to buy was a cot, but we were fortunate to get the second one from relatives. As far as clothing goes, now that they are older, once something’s too small for Zoe it pretty much fits Bella, so there is less storing of clothing, equipment and toys.

The biggest benefit is that they are growing up together and are already very close. We love that they will always have a friend to play with, and even at school they will only be a year apart. We also think that if we’d had a large gap we would have found it difficult to go back to things like teething and nappies!

Initially, Zoe was jealous about sharing me with her little sister, but the advantage of her being young when she became a sister is that now Zoe doesn’t remember life without a sibling and she is learning early about sharing and thinking about others.

At the end of the day, we believe having our children close together was the best option for us, despite it being challenging at first, as our girls are now the best of friends.

We waited 3½ years between babies
Naomi, mum of Charlotte, 5, and Oliver, 1½

It was hard to get back into “baby mode” after three-and-a-half years. We had moved past prams and nappies, and had also enjoyed more than a year of undisturbed sleep before the night feeds and sleep deprivation started all over again.

That aside, I’m really pleased with how things turned out. Charlotte was toilet trained, didn’t need feeding and was relatively self-sufficient when Oliver was born. She was also at an age where I could explain to her what was happening and what was expected of her.

She was at preschool three days a week, so I was able to give my undivided attention to the baby at those times. I also made sure Charlotte and I spent time alone together to keep things balanced.

I worried that Charlotte would be jealous of a new baby, but I made sure she was included with things like getting his room ready and talking about names. I wanted her to be excited and not resentful. She got a doll the day he was born and gave it the same name as her brother.

Funnily enough, it’s actually Oliver who gets jealous. If I’m cuddling Charlotte, he will come over and want a cuddle too. Charlotte hasn’t displayed any jealousy whatsoever. She loves being a big sister and will fetch and carry things for me, and occupy Oliver while I get on with housework or have a shower.

It worked for us financially, as I was able to go back to work for a significant period in between kids. We knew we would have more children so I kept all our baby stuff, too. Because Charlotte was older, I was able to take her out of long daycare and put her into a dedicated preschool. This was cheaper than daycare and I experienced less “mother guilt”, as preschool is a normal developmental experience but daycare is a necessity for working parents and a luxury for a stay-at-home mum.

My first was at school before I had two more
Jodie, mum to Maddison, 10, Jonah, 4, and Elih, 2

I had pre-eclampsia and a bad birth experience the first time around, so it was quite a few years before I felt brave enough to “go again”. Maddison was 6 when Jonah was born and Jonah was 20 months when I had Elih.

It was easy to go back and have another child after six years. Maddison was really excited about having a brother, although it did take her some time to adjust to us sharing our love.

It was far more difficult having Jonah and Elih so close together. Trying to juggle breastfeeding while entertaining a toddler was challenging. Jonah still really needed me and I did feel sad at times that I could not always do everything he wanted. It’s much easier now that Jonah is 4 and Elih’s nearly 3.

Sometimes, it can be hard to cater to all the age groups and interests on our outings so we try to get a good balance of activities. The little ones are very busy and noisy, while my daughter is quiet. Maddison is now 10 years old and, although she is a wonderful help with both of the boys, she does need to have her space from the little ones and teaching them to respect her belongings and personal time with her friends has been tough.

I worked when Maddison went to school, but I’m now self-employed which makes things a bit more flexible for the boys. Our income has changed since having Maddison and it’s been quite expensive, as we had to purchase baby equipment all over again for the boys and both of them go to daycare.

Personally, I enjoyed the large gap for the quality of time spent with the children, but I do think it works better for the kids to be close in age.

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