Yahoo Lifestyle The golden age: what is the best age to start a family?
In recent research, nearly 60 per cent of women surveyed said 29 was the best age to start a family. But with medical technology making it easier than ever to have babies later in life, the decision as to when to get the parenting show on the road is tougher than ever.
We spoke to three mums – one who had her children when she was in her 20s, one when she was in her 30s and one who waited until she was in her 40s – to get their insights into the best time of life to have children.
To help you understand their points of view, we also spoke with two experts, Dr Louise Farrell, an obstetrician and Vice President of the Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists, and Dr Charise Deveney, a clinical psychologist with a special interest in perinatal mental health.
The 20s
Natalie Hemingway had her daughter, Audrey, when she was 23 and her son, Miguel, when she was 26.
My mum was 20 when she had me and I really enjoyed our relationship. She was more like a friend, and any advice she gave me still seemed current. Having children young was a choice I consciously made and I’m hoping for that same kind of relationship with my own children.
As a young mum, my energy levels are high, and when Audrey becomes a teenager, I’ll still be in touch with what’s going on with her.
I had no intervention for the births and they were the hardest thing I have ever done. But now, whenever I face something tough I think, ‘I have had two kids – I can do that!’ The pregnancies and recovery weren’t as hard.
I had a miscarriage between my two kids. I think that because of my age, my body knew something wasn’t quite right very early.
I was working as a doula before having kids. I’ve put doing this on hold for the past two years, as it’s been too hard to be on call with young children. But I’m getting back into it now. I did attempt to do a university course by correspondence, but I found it was just too difficult to be a mum and student. I’d love to work more when the kids are a bit older.
I have been mistaken for Audrey’s nanny a few times. People ask me how long I’ve been looking after her and I just smile and say, “All her life.” Sometimes I feel there is a slight criticism implied when
they realise I’m her mum.
I would never say to someone in her late 40s, “Don’t you think you are a little bit old?” A lady at Audrey’s preschool once said to me, “It must be difficult being such a young mum.” I didn’t know what to say. It’s not difficult at all!
My sister and some of my friends who don’t have children are off travelling and living overseas. I haven’t had a lot of time to have a life without children after finishing school.
But I don’t regret it – I’ll get to do that when the kids are grown up. I have time on my side.
Expert opinions
Dr Farrell: “From a physical point of view, younger is better. Younger women have lower rates of intervention in pregnancy, miscarriage, hypertension and gestational diabetes. They have a greater chance of falling and staying pregnant and better postnatal recovery, too. Everything goes back to normal more quickly in the younger body, and uterine muscle contracts better in younger women.”
Dr Deveney: “As a psychologist helping new and expectant mums, I find younger women are a bit easier to help – you can shift that idea of having to be the ‘perfect mother’ more easily. I’d say the late 20s or early 30s is the best time to start a family because you have good energy and have had a chance to develop a sense of who you are. You’re going through the transition when your peers are, so you’re not isolated, and you’ve had a chance to experience different aspects of life.”
The 30s
Michelle McGrath had her daughter, Shannon, when she was 33 and her son, Cameron, when she was 37.
I was never really the maternal type. My mum had four kids and I was encouraged to expect something more in life. I studied ballet to a high level, then became a lawyer. My husband, Choong, and I got married when we were 30. He wanted a family, but I wasn’t really interested and he accepted that. But then one day in my early 30s, I was watching a mum with a toddler and I suddenly thought, ‘Maybe that would be nice.’
I fell pregnant the first time we tried. I had bad morning sickness – it was a struggle to commute and work all day. In the last month, I was absolutely huge and very, very tired.
I had pethidine and an epidural for the pain during labour. Shannon was facing the wrong way and had to be turned with a vacuum device. I tore a lot.
I had one miscarriage between my two children, but l fell pregnant again easily with Cameron.
After having my first baby, I retrained as a counsellor and I’ve worked part-time since having kids. Most of my friends had kids around the same time as I did and so we all have similarly aged children now, which works well.
I didn’t bounce back very quickly from my pregnancies. I put on masses of weight and it took me a year each time to get back into normal clothes!
After having Cameron, I thought I might like a third. We had to make the decision fairly quickly, because I wasn’t keen on giving birth after 40. I knew there was a higher risk of things going wrong as I got older. I also knew being pregnant took it out of me physically in terms of muscle tone.
We didn’t end up going for number three. If we had started earlier, we might have had that third child, but I have no regrets. Living in Sydney, the benefits of starting earlier would have been cancelled out by the stress of living on one income from an earlier age.
My mum and Choong’s parents are quite involved with the kids and do some babysitting for us. I feel very lucky that when I decided in my 30s to start a family I was in a strong relationship, my husband also wanted kids and I was able to fall pregnant quickly. I know that not everyone is that lucky.
Expert opinions
Dr Farrell: “Women in their mid-30s often think they have a lot of time because they read about film stars having babies well into their 30s, but fertility does start to decline and for some, it will be very hard to conceive. Age magnifies any already existing conditions, too, such as endometriosis. The miscarriage rate increases significantly with age because chromosomal abnormalities increase - and three quarters of miscarriages are caused by abnormalities.”
Dr Deveney: “The benefits of having a baby at this age are that women have a sense that they have ticked off the boxes of travel, study, relationships and independence. They might be set up enough in their career to be able to step out and step back in later. They hopefully will have developed some coping skills through life experience.”
The 40s
Helen Baumann had her son, Billy, when she was 42 and her daughter, Olivia, when she was 43.
When I met my partner, Djuro, I was 36. He already had three kids with his ex-wife, but as I approached 40, I felt I really wanted a child.
I had three miscarriages before I fell pregnant with Billy. I had a really straightforward pregnancy and took classes on having a natural birth, but my doctor suggested I have an elective caesarean because of my age. I was happy to go along with this because there is a lot of press about how difficult pregnancy and birth can be for older women. I felt vulnerable and was very aware that I was pushing boundaries.
I was so elated at the arrival of a perfect child, the pain of recovering from the caesarean was quite manageable. A couple of my single girlfriends were a little bit put out that I had become a mother. I don’t think they were expecting it at my age.
One of the main advantages to being an older mum is I was fairly satisfied to leave the workforce. I felt like I had given my career a good amount of time. I was quite happy to be at home with the kids and have a quiet life – I had done all the partying and I didn’t miss it. Because I had a relatively strong network of friends, I maintained my friendships.
Djuro has a fairly stable income and I’d bought a unit by the time we had kids, so I didn’t have to work for the first five years. I felt lucky – all the mums from my mothers’ group were younger and they had to go back to work earlier.
The fatigue of being an older parent knocked me for six. There is only 16 months between our children. There were weeks when I could hardly function, although I feel like we’re turning the corner now.
I wouldn’t necessarily recommend parenting in your 40s. Sometimes I feel like I’m on another planet and getting it all wrong. My parents are old as well – I would have loved them to have grandkids in their 60s rather than in their 70s. My step-daughter Alex, who is 20, has also been mistaken for Billy and Olivia’s mum.
With Djuro having already had kids, he was very relaxed and laid back with the babies. I’m a bit nervous, but it’s so much fun – I wouldn’t have missed it for anything.
Expert opinions
Dr Farrell: “There are no physical advantages to being older. People are marrying later and the average age of childbirth in Australia is steadily increasing, which is why we are having increasing intervention rates.”
Dr Deveney: “Older women are more likely to be financially stable, which leads to less stress. They’re more likely to be able to afford private health insurance and to be able to enjoy the lifestyle they had before starting a family. They may also have friends who have been through motherhood and able to learn from them. But if women have been in careers where they have had a good job and they’ve constantly been told that they’re wonderful at it, this can lead to an expectation that they will ‘do’ motherhood just as well. If this is not the case, it can be harder for the older mother to adjust.”
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