Yahoo Lifestyle The Unspoken Truths of Pregnancy
Pregnancy is a pretty life-changing journey! Yep, to say the least, falling pregnant and spending nine months nurturing that bun in your oven is an incredible time of change. There’s plenty to look forward to and be excited about – laying eyes on your child for the first time on the ultrasound monitor, feeling her first fluttery kicks, preparing her nursery and buying a lifetime’s supply of adorable little rompers.
But let’s face it, this pregnancy gig isn’t all cuddles and cupcakes. It can be a bumpy journey for even the most well-prepared and excited mamma-to-be.
From battling the barrage of comments and advice thrown at you from well-meaning but overbearing folk, to facing the very real demon of depression, there are hurdles you and your bump might have to scale. How gracefully you do this can have a lot to do with your expectations of yourself and of others, says perinatal psychologist Rebecca Dunn.
While it’s exciting to look forward to the impending task of motherhood and the things you will gain, Rebecca says you should also face up to some of the losses you may experience – your old identity and freedom among them.
“For some women, there is a difficulty adjusting their self-concept and their self-image to their new role as a parent,” she says. Beginning in pregnancy, your self-identity undergoes a transformation, along with your role and position in society, she explains. “And all those changes impact on creating a new identity for yourself – one where you incorporate motherhood and parenting into your self-concept.”
Along with accepting the new you you’re creating along with your new family, there are some other things you might need to confront during your pregnancy journey. Allow us to be frank…
Becoming public property
Once you fall pregnant (and especially once your bump pops), it can start to feel as though you’ve become public property. It seems like everyone now feels they have the right to touch your belly and offer you unwanted advice about what you should and shouldn’t be doing. You also become a beacon for those who feel the need to recount every terrifying birth story they’ve ever heard, blow by blow. This can all be so overwhelming, at times you may want to let your swollen, not-so-little feet take you into your bedroom to escape the world, if only for a little while.
Rebecca says motherhood is always held up for criticism and once a woman becomes pregnant, people often feel they have the right to pass judgment or criticise her for whatever’s going on.
“I think it’s very hard for women, because society has very set standards and expectations of what women should be like as parents,” Rebecca says.
Instead of trying to live up to your own expectations of what you should and shouldn’t be like or be doing (or your family’s or society’s expectations), you should look at the reality you are faced with, she advises. From there, create your own version of motherhood that will give you and your family a meaningful life.
Losing old friends
Some women find that once they’ve got a baby on the way, their circle of friends gets smaller – and once bub arrives, the numbers may dwindle even more. Unfortunately, many people who don’t have kids tend to look at parenthood as something of a social death-sentence. This is kind of bleak and definitely not the case! Sure, you’ll be busy. Yes, your priorities will have shifted. Okay, some days you’ll want to stay in your jammies and sit, bleary-eyed, indoors. But your social life isn’t over. It’s just undergoing a bit of a shake-up.
It can certainly be upsetting to find some of your friends drifting, but think of this as an opportunity to re-evaluate the friendships you want in your life and around your baby. There’s that old saying about friends. They can be for…
A REASON. One of you has a life lesson to learn, after which you move on.
A SEASON. School or work mates are bonded by interests or circumstances and move on when these disappear.
A LIFETIME. True friends can be made at any time in your life. Although you mightn’t always see or speak to them, they’ll always be there when needed.
On the flip side, you may also find that your social circle widens when you become pregnant, because you’re meeting other expectant parents through antenatal classes. These relationships may continue after your babies are born (your kids will be around the same age, too, so are ideal playmates!), and there are plenty of friend-making opportunities when you’re a new mum, such as mothers’ group and Playgroup gatherings.
Feeling frightened
It’s only natural to feel nervous from time to time during your pregnancy. If it’s your first baby, pondering all the unknowns can be scary, especially with your mind drifting to worst-case scenarios. If you’ve had a rough time with a previous bub, you may be feeling anxious about what’s going to happen this go around.
Common fears surrounding pregnancy and birth include bub’s wellbeing, your wellbeing, the pain of labour and the prospect of tearing, needing intervention or doing a poo while giving birth… Even thinking about being exposed while pushing bub out can be scary (though it's something that will probably be far from your mind when the time comes!).
“Often it’s some of the small things that people are embarrassed about that become really big things in their minds,” says Rebecca, who adds that talking through your concerns can help put them to rest.
Other people’s horror stories of pregnancy complications and giving birth can stick in your mind and create or add to your own fears, too. But Jennifer Fenwick, an associate professor of midwifery at the University of Technology in Sydney, says to remember that women are very good at having babies – and if you’re well supported during your pregnancy and birth, you’ll do really well.
“Women need people around them to nurture them, believe in them and give them the confidence to feel that they can do it,” she explains. So if there’s a person who is adding to your fears and making your pregnancy journey an unpleasant one, you might consider putting this relationship on hold for a time.
Jennifer also says that a little bit of fear isn’t a bad thing, as it can prompt you to seek out information to help you ease your fears. It’s important to note that while a bit of apprehension is completely normal, some women may develop a genuine phobia of pregnancy and birth (tokophobia). Symptoms may include nightmares and panic attacks. If you find yourself stressing to the extreme, speak to your doctor or midwife about getting help. And note that anxiety can also be associated with depression…
Getting down in the dumps
With all the physical and hormonal changes going on, you’re bound to experience mood variations during your pregnancy. Some days you’ll be over the moon, others you might be mopey and miserable. And your mamma-to-be mood swings may only be compounded common stresses such as finances and worries about your pregnancy, birth and parenthood journey. For around 10 per cent of pregnant ladies, though, depression can become a major problem.
Unfortunately, many of the warning signs of antenatal depression can be confused with pregnancy symptoms. These include increased tiredness, problems concentrating, sleeplessness and worrying about things too much. Other warning signs that generally aren’t related to pregnancy include feeling that nothing is enjoyable anymore (including your pregnancy), feeling like a failure, feeling trapped and persistent sadness.
“If you have a family or personal history of anxiety and depression, from a biological view you might be at risk [of antenatal depression],” says Rebecca. Lack of family and social support, as well as isolation, are risk factors too.
It’s important not to dismiss anything you’re feeling and to know there’s no shame in admitting that you’re struggling. “I think it’s really important for women to feel like they can talk about struggles without society or other women judging them as whingers; that they can talk about these things without having to pretend everything is okay,” Rebecca says.
If you are suffering depression or anxiety during your pregnancy, you can talking to your midwife, GP or a counsellor or psychologist to work through your feelings. The Post and Antenatal Depression Association (PANDA) also provides a telephone helpline for women experiencing anxiety and depression during and after pregnancy. Call 1300 726 306 or visit www.panda.org.au.
A changing libido
Some women find themselves unexpectedly randy during pregnancy, while others lose all interest in lovin’ while there’s a bun in the oven.
Hormones, body image, relationship issues and health can all affect your sex drive during pregnancy, which can fluctuate like crazy. Some days you mightn’t be able to get your mind out of the bedroom, while other days scrubbing the bathroom may hold more appeal than romping with your partner. A dramatic increase in your sex drive is usually due to changes in your hormones.
And the good news is, changes in your body can make sex more enjoyable. Your breasts and nipples may have greater sensitivity, for example, your new curves may make you feel more sensual, and an increased blood flow to your pelvic region can, for some women, make climaxing an easier and more intense experience.
If you are experiencing a lull in your sex drive, however, you’re definitely not alone. Pregnancy symptoms in the first trimester, such as morning sickness and fatigue, can take their toll on your libido. As your pregnancy progresses, you may have difficulty adjusting to the physical changes you’re going through, which can contribute to a lack of interest in sex. If you’re not yet comfortable with your new shape, you might find it tough to feel sexy and worry about what your partner is thinking about your body. Changes to your body can also make intercourse uncomfortable and some couples may find themselves preoccupied worrying about how having sex is affecting the baby (though it’s perfectly safe and healthy).
Keep in mind that your partner’s libido may also experience changes, so it’s important to talk about the changes happening to your body and to your physical relationship.
Coping with pregnancy
Being pregnant, giving birth and transitioning into motherhood is an exciting and joyous time. But let’s face it, it’s also challenging, exhausting and hard! Surviving your pregnancy will be easier if you talk about what you’re going through. Shine the light on the good things, the not-so-good things and everything in between. Rather than fearing judgment or criticism, seek out good support, advice and a shoulder to laugh – and maybe sometimes cry – on.
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