Bonding With Baby

According to all of the dewy-eyed Hollywood depictions of childbirth, the moment a woman gazes into the eyes of her newborn an instant, unique and unbreakable bond is formed.

Or is it? For some mums, it doesn’t happen quite like that. “The attachment that develops between yourself and your baby is not necessarily automatic,” explains Rebecca Dunn, a perinatal psychologist and advisor for the Gidget Foundation, a non-profit organisation raising awareness of perinatal anxiety and depression. “Attachment is a process and forms over time.”

But there are certainly ways to get the love-fest started. “If bub is full-term and healthy, we encourage the mum to put him on her naked chest and provide an opporunity to breastfeed,” says Prue Oshlack, family resource nurse at Monash Medical Centre’s neonatal nursery, in Victoria. “This promotes bonding in the first hour or two and helps the transition from womb to outside world.”

Some women may worry about missing early chances for bonding, for instance, if they’ve had a caesarean. But if Dad’s willing to get his shirt off, it’s all good. Swedish research shows that when Mum isn’t immediately available for skin-to-skin contact after birth, the baby gets the same calming and comforting benefits from Dad.

Bond appétit
Bonding is an important process for infants. “Babies are dependent on caregivers for their survival,” says Dr Lane Strathearn, assistant professor of paediatrics at Baylor College of Medicine in Texas. “A baby learns to feel secure and to trust his world depending on his experiences. The earlier the experience, the more impact it has because the brain is undergoing its most rapid period of development.”

In 2009, Dr Strathearn led groundbreaking research into mother-infant attachment. He and his colleagues conducted a study looking at the brains of first-time mothers as they were shown photos of babies, looking both happy and sad.

The study revealed that women who are what psychologists call ‘securely attached’ (who are balanced and reflective in regards to their close personal relationships) had greater activation of brain reward regions when they saw images of their own babies in either state.

However, when presented with images of their baby looking sad, mothers who were ‘insecurely attached’ (who had unbalanced or distorted views of close personal relationships) experienced activation in a part of the brain associated with feelings of unfairness, pain and disgust. The securely attached women also released more of the hormone oxytocin when they played with their babies.

“Oxytocin does seem to influence how we bond with infants but, to some extent, the amount that’s produced may be determined by our own early life experiences,” says Dr Strathearn. “This may help us to understand why some women have trouble bonding and don’t get that natural ‘high’. Women with the insecure pattern tend to withdraw when faced with an unhappy baby and infants tend to develop behavioural strategies in response.”

It’s believed a woman’s own attachment style is largely determined by the way her own parents bonded with her, but the good news is that the future’s not set in stone. “People get the impression biology rules, but it’s a two-way thing,” explains Dr Strathearn. “The brain isn’t static. Relationships shape how it develops and it constantly adapts to its environment. People who’ve had a difficult start can change the cycle for their own children. The worst thing to do is run away if things aren’t clicking.”

All change
There’s no doubt that bonding is essential for babies. “It provides a model for the type of relationships they will form with others in life,” says Rebecca Dunn. Women who are recovering from a difficult or prolonged labour, exhausted and sore, may take longer to get into the bonding groove. “If the birth hasn’t gone as they hoped, this may impact on the bonding process,” says Jan Dilworth, clinical midwifery consultant for the Parent Education Centre at the RPA Women and Babies maternity service in NSW.

Adjusting to life as a parent may also mean the warm and fuzzies take a while to kick in. “There’s no real chance to catch your breath after the birth. You have to get onto things straight away,” says Rebecca. “But,” she notes, “good, strong attachment doesn’t mean you have to be with him 24/7. It’s about bub knowing that there are people that care for him whether they’re physically there or not.”

Pain and exhaustion are also factors that can hinder bonding, adds Prue Oshlack. “This is where a supportive partner comes into play. We all feel better if we can get some rest and eat well. If your partner has work commitments during the first couple of weeks at home, see if your mother, mother-in-law or friends can pop around and let you get some rest.”

Cut yourself some slack, too. “Even parents with a secure attachment style find it hard sometimes,” says Rebecca.

Dr Strathearn agrees. “Every baby has a different temperament and some are easier to parent than others,” he says. “The key to parenting is being able to adapt to babies’ different needs.”

Plan of attach
To encourage the bonding process, Rebecca recommends continued skin-to-skin contact, which allows bub to feel and smell you, and hear your heartbeat. “Talk to him about what he might be thinking and feeling. It all builds empathy and rapport,” she adds.

“Massage, stroking baby’s hands and feet and singing to him all help too,” says Prue.
And don’t feel self-conscious about talking to your baby in gibberish. A US study found that baby talk helps infants learn words more quickly than normal adult speech. So go ahead with the goo-goo ga-ga stuff, he’ll love it.

Get friends and family involved, too. Babies don’t attach only to Mum and Dad! “Indeed, babies can bond with any attachment figures available who are emotionally attuned to their needs,” Rebecca says. “Babies are pretty resilient and adaptable. They like to spend time with a mindful caregiver who interacts with them, for instance, lying on a rug staring at the trees together.”

“You can assume bonding is taking place if, after the first six to eight weeks, you’re feeling love for your baby, you’re becoming more confident and competent, you have a support network in place, and the baby appears content – bearing in mind that of course he’ll cry sometimes to communicate his needs,” says Jan Dilworth.

Though it may be tough going at times, there are some red flags that shouldn’t be ignored, such as feeling detached or even resentful. “If you’re feeling scared around your baby, finding the demands are too overwhelming and anxiety-provoking, you’re outsourcing most of the jobs because it’s all too much and your day-to-day functioning is compromised, take action,” says Rebecca. There’s plenty of help out there – see the box below for where to start.

Having difficulties?
“The more you talk, the better,” says Rebecca Dunn. Try sharing your feelings with your GP, your maternal and child health nurse, family, friends or your mothers’ group. And know there’s no shame in getting professional help. Problems with bonding can be a sign of postnatal depression and seeking support sooner rather than later will ultimately benefit you, your baby and the people who care for you both.

Good places to start include the Gidget Foundation, The Post and Antenatal Depression Association and beyondblue.