Yahoo Lifestyle Coping with infertility
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Infertility is something that affects many couples – as many one in six – and with the starting of families being increasingly delayed, this number looks set to grow. Coping with fertility issues can be difficult, and because men and women can be affected by infertility in both similar and different ways, this can put additional strain on the relationship.
Each partner can have their own feelings of anxiety, disappointment and ‘failure’, and grieve lost hopes every month or unsuccessful treatment cycle. Infertility can also affect both men’s and women’s sense of masculinity or femininity, sexuality and self-esteem. And while each of you might be feeling the same way, the different ways these feelings are managed can actually put more stress on both of you and your relationship.
His and hers
Infertility is an emotional roller-coaster and men and women have often been socialised to deal with feelings differently. Women can often take responsibility for their partner’s feelings, try to hide their own and also try to protect their partner by coping on their own. This can have an accumulative effect as frustration, anger and feelings of loss can build up and become overwhelming at times.
Men who may be less comfortable with their own emotions can feel swamped by a partner’s at the times they spill over, and may try to cope with this by shutting her down or withdrawing from her (which just makes her feel worse). It’s also common for men to put more of their energy into their work, an area where they may feel more successful. Men can feel depressed and ashamed, too, which can psychologically affect potency.
Baby-making sex can also put more pressure on a couple by taking the fun and spontaneity out of love making. When couples focus just on the end result, sex can become stressful, rather than being a great source of stress relief.
Stress solutions
For many reasons active stress management is vital, and while there is no conclusive evidence, some studies suggest high levels of stress can work to reduce the chances of conception. So try to build regular, family friendly stress relief (such as regular exercise and communication) into your routine now, so it’s already a good habit when you’re pregnant and have a newborn – stress relief is important for new parents, too!
Identify what you can change and what you can’t. Work towards accepting what you can’t change and find solutions or ways forward through those you can. Be aware if thoughts of blame creep in – either blame directed at yourself or towards your partner – and deal with them. Infertility is nobody’s fault, and blame only causes resentment, which, along with other negative emotions, makes baby making much less likely.
BETWEEN THE SHEETS
Try these tips to keep baby-making sex a connection and not a chore:
1. Clear up any disharmony. Frustration and resentment kill passion.
2. Use sex as a time of connection and celebration of your love, regardless of the outcome.
3. Get in touch with your body and do things that help you enjoy the feel of it, such as yoga or massage.
4. Enjoy yourselves and be led by your bodies. Women tend to feel more amorous around the time of ovulation. Follow your urges and reach for a mutually satisfying climax.
5. Focus on each other’s emotional and sensual needs and appreciate the loving space between you rather than the empty one.
Elly Taylor is a relationship counsellor and writer. She created Parents Support Online, a support website for parents and is the author of Becoming Us: Loving, Learning and Growing Together — the Essential Relationship Guide for Parents.
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