Strengthening the grandparent bond

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New parenthood is ripe with expectation and adjustment. So too is new grandparenthood. A grandchild’s birth can cause grandparents to re-live aspects of their own journey into parenthood, resulting in situations that are tricky for all.

Too Involved
If Nana’s knocking at the delivery-room door, comes over daily, constantly offers unwanted advice or you have to push past her to change the baby yourself, you have an over-involved grandparent.

Sometimes it’s due to excitement, enthusiasm or even anxiousness. Sometimes it’s over-compensating for feelings of failure or helplessness from when they became parents; confident and capable now, they’re over-keen to help. For a Grandpa who worked away your infancy, it may be a second chance.

To prevent intrusiveness, anticipate problems and be gently pro-active. Saying “we’d like two days alone together after the baby” establishes that you and your partner are a team, sets clear limits and gives time to adjust expectations.

If they’re already over-involved, be tactful, you still need their support. Use the feedback sandwich (positive, negative, positive) to re-direct energy: “I really appreciate your help Mum, but I need to work this bit out myself, would you mind folding the washing instead…”

Not Involved Enough
Some grandparents become more distant when you need them most. Under-involved grandparents don’t pitch in, visit rarely or show little interest. They may disappointingly keep up busy lifestyles or even retire up the coast.

Sometimes under-involvement can be an innocent unawareness of your need for help or desire to include them. It could cover feelings of incompetence; a hesitant Pop may need encouragement. Under-involvement can also mask sadness, regret or fears from their own experiences of parenthood. For grandparents who have been ill, a grandchild is a bittersweet reminder of their mortality.

Anticipate this if you know your grandparents-to-be well and initiate a conversation with your hopes: “When the baby comes, I’m really looking forward to spending more time together, what are your plans?” Give them time to adjust, just as you need time too.

If you don’t know their story, or it’s already an issue, initiate a history lesson. Sensitively inquiring about grandparent’s experiences of parenthood and feelings about their own parents can bring about understanding and closeness.

Unsupportive
Unsupportive grandparents challenge, judge or undermine your parenting decisions. They say you aren’t doing things right, make comments like “in my day we all bottle-fed” or negatively compare you to your sister-in-law.

Sometimes un-supportiveness is an intention to be helpful but without awareness of the negative impact. Other times, it can hide feelings of insecurity or resentment towards their own parents from being unsupported during their own transition into parenthood.

To prevent being undermined, support yourself and your partner or co-parent by gathering information that helps you confidently assert your right to do things your way. A united front can inspire a more helpful attitude.

In the moment, separate intent from impact using the feedback sandwich: “Mum, I appreciate that you’re trying to help, but when you say… I feel criticised, can you say…instead”. This approach ensures you don’t react defensively, which although understandable, can escalate conflict.

We won’t know what’s happening for new grandparents unless we let them reminisce. In respecting their past, we can gain perspective that heals hurts and strengthen bonds that nurture the next generation – our children.