Yahoo Lifestyle 23 Widows And Widowers Are Sharing How Life And Love Have Continued After Losing Their Spouse, And I Don't Know About You, But I'm Sobbing
Losing any loved one is life-altering. Losing a spouse specifically is a different type of experience, one that's still not often talked about. And while every part of one's life changes when they lose a spouse, some effects are more taboo to talk about than others.
Love — specifically romance — takes up such a large portion of our lives, and it's natural to want a partner. But as a widow/er, that desire (if it's there) can come with a lot of baggage, like feelings of guilt or shame. Or it might not come at all.
I was interested in learning about what people's love lives are like after losing a spouse. While many people never want to date again, others are still interested in love. So, I decided to go straight to the source and ask widows and widowers in our very own BuzzFeed Community to tell me, following their spouse's death, how their love lives have been affected as they've attempted to go on with life. Here are some of their most interesting and touching answers:
1."My husband died at the age of 40 (five years ago) due to complications from diabetes. I have no love life and haven't since he passed."
"I have thought about finding love again, but it's a scary thought even five years on.
I'm scared that no one will compare to him and that I will always be making comparisons, and that's just not fair to the other person. I also feel like, even though I know my husband would want me to be happy, it would be a subtle betrayal to him to move on. Aside from all of that, I like being alone and free to live how I want. I would much rather be with my husband, but if I can't have him, I'd rather be alone."
2."My fiancé had a heart attack and was on life support for eight days. His family was gracious and allowed me to spend time with him and be a part of decisions."
"However, they wouldn’t make a decision on whether to leave him on life support or take him off. He was braindead and being on life support was the last option he'd ever want. I had to make the decision and live with the guilt of making it.
They said they would support whatever I chose, but they just couldn’t do it. I know I didn’t, but I feel like I killed the love of my life."
"I want to start dating. The problem is, I just don’t know where to start."
"I’m not a go-out-to-bars person and internet dating seems to be only for hook-ups or fake profiles these days (I met my fiancé online but he was the only person I spoke with).
Also, I’m afraid that I’ll meet someone and I’ll lose them. I’m not losing faith that I will date again and fall in love; the hard part is being patient and letting the powers that be work that person into my life at the right time."
3."My husband died about five years ago. My whole world was crushed. I’m going on without him but it’s hard. I will always love him."
"It’s hard to find someone like him because most people aren’t serious and for those who are, it’s hard because even though I’m not comparing, it’s not easy to find someone similar to him. He was handsome, amazing, wonderful, a great provider, supportive, loving… if I find someone with most of those qualities, I’d hit the jackpot.
He still comes to my dreams but it’s hard to grow old without a partner. He set the bar high as a wonderful husband."
4."She died suddenly. I wasn’t prepared and mourned for years afterward."
"Friends and family set me up with a variety of dates over the years but I couldn’t find commonalities with them. Still single, still missing her, but happy with the life I have now. Sure, I’d like to get married again but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen."
5."My husband has been gone for a little over five years. I’m open to someone else, just not currently looking."
"I tried to get a friends-with-benefits but he just friend-zoned me because he didn’t want to. I’m not looking for anything long-term, just someone to hang with. I’m such an introvert that being at home and playing games and reading makes me happy."
6."We were married 62 years before my husband died. It’s been almost a year now and I’m finally getting used to being alone."
"There are lots of widows around and I treasure their support and friendship, but I spent so much time with him and our sons and their friends, that I am used to male friendships. At 80-plus, I don’t think that I would be interested in a physical relationship, but I would enjoy some masculine company."
—Anonymous
7."I lost my husband in 2023. We had been married for 35 years, and being 65 years old now, it doesn’t even cross my mind to ever date again."
—Anonymous
8."I tried dating again around nine months after my first wife died. I thought I was ready, but it turned out that just scheduling the date triggered an extreme grief reaction."
"Eventually I managed to find love again and got remarried."
—Anonymous
9."Lost my forever wife three years ago. I have a wonderful lady friend now who is a widow. Just can't seem to get those loving feelings to develop for her."
"I took care of my late wife for six years while she went through brain cancer. Do not want to go through that pain and hopelessness ever again. I know that's what stops me from loving my lady friend now. Not fair to her."
—Anonymous
10."I don’t have a dating life. I was married to Peggy for 46 years and was with her for 47 years."
"She was 17 and I was 23. I have no idea how to start over and am not sure that I want to. She passed on 8/11/23."
—Anonymous
11."My husband died of a massive heart attack at 45. I didn't even know how to live but had to be strong for our two teenagers."
Angelpietro / Getty Images, Tim Robberts / Getty Images
"About a year after he passed, a parent on my daughter's basketball team lost his spouse to cancer. I offered my condolences and we began texting now and then. We have now been married for five years and I still can't believe I was somehow lucky enough to have two soulmates."
—Anonymous
12."I was a widow at 19. It was a tragic gun accident and we had been married for eight months. He was the love of my life."
"You never get over it but you get past it. I'm now in my 70s and was married five more times. I think I truly never recovered from his death and maybe kept looking for that love again. Didn't happen.
I'm happy now, having been divorced for 10 years. I won't be getting married again."
—Anonymous
13."My husband died very unexpectedly two years ago at age 46. I had only recently become open to a new relationship, but wasn't actively pursuing anything or dating. I met my current love organically at a meetup event in my city."
"It progressed very rapidly, but I think that's because as a widow who has experienced deep, true love, I had no time or patience for anything less, so I hit him with deep topics and questions very quickly (everything they tell you not to do or say, basically). He was up for all of it.
He also researched what it's like to be a widow and date a widow so he would know how to best handle it. He's very open to me talking about my late spouse, and I couldn't be with him if he didn't understand that I will always love him."
"I will say, I've been forced to let go of my late spouse in a whole new way since finding a new, current love, and it's like cycling through grief all over again."
"It's challenging. Know if you are dating a widow/er, you need to make space for their late spouse and be ready to support them in grief, because it never goes away.
There's also a new fear that I could lose him at any moment, because it happened once already. That's challenging to navigate. However, I have an enormous amount of daily gratitude for this new, wonderful love, and it shows in how I love and support him. I never take this for granted, because life is too short."
—Anonymous
14."I lost my husband three years ago. He was 68 and I was 62. We were married for 37 years."
Klaus Vedfelt / Getty Images, Sebastien Kuperberg / Getty Images
"I think of him every single day. We were very close. He was my rock. I don't think of dating because no one could live up to him. I hate being alone but still have no interest in being with anyone else. Even though time has passed, something can trigger me into a crying spell. I miss him dearly, he was my best friend."
—Anonymous
15."I was with my first husband in 1999, and we had a baby in 2002. In 2006, one week after my 27th birthday, my husband passed away."
"I was devastated. I was suddenly a single mum with a 4-year-old.
I fell in love with a new man a year and a half later, not planned. We got married, and I had a second baby. I still think of my first husband sometimes. I'm in the middle of getting a divorce. Life is really hard losing a partner, especially at a young age; my life will never be the same. I feel for anybody who loses a spouse."
—Anonymous
16."I’m 80, lost my spouse 11 months ago."
"I met some women on online dating apps but reached out to someone 20 years younger than me that I had contact with 24 years ago. At the time, neither of us considered anything more than kindness toward each other. We are now three months into a romantic relationship with great hopes for the future. I don’t know what made me reach out to her, but we are both happy I did; timing is everything."
—Anonymous
17."My spouse passed away after she turned 60, and I was 62. I was madly in love with her and my heart was damaged to almost no repair."
"She told me on her deathbed that she wanted me to go on with my life and find a good woman to share it with. After her death, I didn't think I could do that.
I dated several women before finding my current wife. I will tell you that I am still in love with my deceased wife, but I can't honestly say that with my current wife.
I do love her, but I can't say that I am 'in love' with her. We are very compatible and happy, but I'm looking forward to seeing my deceased wife when I meet my maker (Jesus Christ). What a day that will be."
—Anonymous
18."When my wife died at 42, it became my sole responsibility to take care of our 7-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son. I was in a bad way having to deal with my loss, regret, and grief along with their loss and newfound understanding that Mom was not coming home from the hospital."
"I realized that if I fell apart, so would my children. That was unacceptable, and I would not allow it to happen, as it could have life-long consequences for them.
Although there were many tears and much heartache, I realized that my responsibility in this life was to make sure my children’s lives changed as little as possible.
We all started therapy as soon as we could. They attended a weekend-long camp for children who've lost a parent, and we learned that truth, no matter how difficult a topic, must be addressed. I had to be honest about why Mom died, mistakes that were made, and truths that were not spoken. I’ve been blessed by having exceptionally intelligent, resilient children."
"My new wife and I got together a few months after my late wife’s passing. I knew I had a great thing with her."
"My kids told me repeatedly that it was way too soon to start a new relationship but I knew that to get back to normal, to not change their lives as much as possible, was again the most important thing I could do for them. And for me.
Now almost seven years later we are doing great as a family. My children both have 4.0 GPAs and are college-bound. They are healthy, confident kids who have gone through way too much for their age, but I’m of the belief that with continued truth they will have a successful life and successful future relationships."
—Anonymous
19."The love of my life and the father of my three children died of cancer after 38 years of happy marriage. Even though as a nurse I was able to care for him at home until the end, I was devastated by the loss."
Maskot / Getty Images, Kieferpix / Getty Images
"Friends were supportive but, after a while, it was like, 'Okay, get over it already! Move on.'
A couple friends went off the radar because I was now single and possibly considered a threat. It was sad how these former friends desperately clung to their husbands whenever I was around.
Invitations to neighborhood parties dried up, almost as if widowhood was somehow contagious. Men, however, respectfully allowed me a year of mourning before showing up unannounced and uninvited on my doorstep just to see if I 'needed anything.' Meaning, of course, that by this time I must be so desperate for sex that their presence would be welcome. It was not.
It's been almost 20 years since my husband passed away and I still miss him every single day."
—Anonymous
20."I lost Scott on November 20, 2020. It was sudden and quick. Grief consumed my soul but on the outside, I was stoic and able to get shit done. Grief took over all parts of my body, and the hardest to cope with was my skin. My skin ached for the touch of my lost mate. We were married for 36 years."
"The initial healing came in the form of my best female friend. We connected and we would cuddle skin to skin. Massages were a weekly practice.
I curated an idea of how I wanted to navigate sexually and spiritually in all my new encounters. I knew I had to learn to love differently. I knew I had to learn how to ask for what I wanted, which is hard at 58. I knew I wanted to be intimate again.
What does that look like as a senior? Especially when you have had only one life partner. How my love life has been affected is an ever-evolving story. I have had more interesting sexual experiences than I imagined I could have. I have learned so much about my own sexuality by being brave and open enough to have conversations about sexuality, and I believe the best is yet to happen."
—Anonymous
21."My husband passed away eight years ago. He had brain cancer. I was 35."
South_agency / Getty Images, Kseniya Ovchinnikova / Getty Images
"I started dating about three years afterward. Have dated various people and had one serious relationship, which broke my heart. I now find myself avoiding true connection with anyone because I’ve had so much heartbreak, but I am also desperately lonely."
"We were not lucky enough to have kids, so it’s just me. The dating scene in the suburbs in your early-to-mid forties is a shitshow."
"Recently divorced men who have no idea what they actually want. Men who have never been married but after a few dates it becomes painfully obvious why. Men who act like they want a relationship but it becomes very clear they don’t want it or have no clue what it really means.
It doesn’t help that I live in a red state and I’m pretty middle of the road politically. I’ve become convinced all the good ones are married. I do not want to end up alone in life, but dear god there is no one decent out there. I’ve also become hyper-independent because I HAVE to be (and I think that kind of energy scares off some guys). I will say most men are okay with the widowed thing, but I’m also extremely picky on dating apps, so who knows!"
—Anonymous
22."My husband passed away seven years ago. It has been devastating in every way possible."
"I had to learn very quickly how to take care of our household and our finances and be sure everything runs accordingly. He was an angel who was lent to me to have the happiest 32 years of my life, then he was called back.
Recently, I had a chance at a relationship, but I didn’t know all the steps you have to take to even start a first date. I was too needy and pushed forward to start it, and he did not like it and rejected me. It absolutely devastated me. I learned a lot about how to date. Not sure if I'll ever meet someone. I am 71 years old."
—Anonymous
23.And finally: "My husband — the absolute love of my life, we had nine amazing years together — was murdered, and it's going on 15 years now. I have dated, but no one has ever come close."
"I'm not putting him on a pedestal because, no, he was not perfect! But he was my best guy. We had three dogs together, no kids, and I have no regrets about not having them. It would have been a way different story if we'd had children!
As I said, I did go on a few dates and had a couple of short-term relationships, but they did not last. Dating in the city where I live is very difficult; everyone says so, and I finally gave up. It is just not worth the time and effort."
"I have a full life with a lot of beautiful, supportive and kind friends. I have a busy, fulfilling work life and during my down time, I have found I prefer my solitude."
"I am great on my own and enjoy my own company. Even before my relationship with my husband, I was always independent. We were often apart because of his work but we thrived in that sort of relationship.
I'm not into dating apps. I'm more comfortable with something happening organically. I've found, though, that most people find my story so shocking that it makes them very uncomfortable and they can't handle it. So I'm better off on my own and it's fine. I'm content to have been loved and cherished, memories do last a lifetime!"
—Anonymous
