21 Parents Who Went No-Contact With Their Grown-Up Children Are Sharing What The Final Straw Was, And At Least For Some Of These, I Kinda Get It

We hear a lot these days about people going no-contact with family members, usually their parents. However, it's more rare to hear about parents going no-contact with their adult children. So, when people on Quora answered, "What makes a parent break ties with their adult children?" and similar questions, I was super interested in the replies. Here's what 21 different parents had to say.

NOTE: This post mentions child abuse, child sexual abuse images, and physical abuse.

1."I wrote my daughter out of my will by leaving everything to my son. I'm raising my daughter's son, so we talk, but I haven't heard from her since Christmas when she called to talk to him. I don't know if she's living on the street, in jail or prison, or what. I tried with her until she was 40, but the drugs have a grip on her I can't break. She's been locked up for years before, and as soon as she gets free, she goes back to them. She's stolen all my deceased mom's jewelry and pawned it. She's forged checks on my account. She's robbed me blind. She stole my deceased brother's guns — all for drug money. She stole HER OWN SON'S cellphone."

"I'm done with her until she's done with drugs. And she's told me out of her own mouth: 'Mom, I will always choose drugs. I love them too much.' After 25 years, I was DONE. Now my focus is trying to save her son, who was born addicted to heroin because she couldn't stay off of it for the baby's sake."

—Deborah C, Quora

2."I am a parent who has decided to stay away from and not communicate any longer with my married adult daughter. My relationship with my daughter has always been rocky. She is 33 and recently had a beautiful baby boy. This adds to my sorrow and pain in making such a decision."

"Our family life was filled with issues. She had a father with alcoholism who was out of her life for most of her youth. I struggled financially as I am a teacher, and things were not always easy. I did, though, always provide for her clothing, shelter, education, and many other things when I could.

Her basic issue with me is that I do not show her unconditional love. She feels I am not the mom I should be. I have to endure long conversations about how I am just not loving or responsive enough. We argue, I become defensive, things get out of hand, we raise our voices, and the experience reads like a road map each time.

This last fight was different, though, because she stated, 'I want you to be a part of Miles' (her baby) and my life, but I am not okay with some of the things you said last night.' We'd argued the night before, beginning with a text she had sent me.

Something clicked inside me when she mentioned Miles. What goes on between my daughter and me has been going on for 20+ years, on and off. It hit me that Miles would hear this between us and what she would say afterward to her husband all his life. He will always have to wonder if his grandmother is really as his mom describes or if she's how he feels when I am with him.

I decided right then that I did not want this child, who was barely three months old, to experience this. I would rather be the mean grandmother he doesn't know than for him to be caught in the middle. The minute she mentioned him in the argument, I thought, 'he will become the pawn.' I couldn't be a part of that. I also could no longer be called all of these cruel and mean things and continually be defending myself. It was just never-ending. So I said I wanted no further contact and hung up.

I removed her from all social media, including all our mutual friends. I severed my ties. Even though I feel pain and sadness and have had tears, I still believe for the sake of that baby, it is the only choice I had. I now have to find peace with my decision and live what life I have left, hoping I have done the right thing."

—Paula R, Quora

3."I have a son. I met him for the first time when he was born, then for the second time when he was nine. From nine to eighteen, we would spend a week each summer with each other, maybe go to a comic book show here or there, but in grand total, I probably spent about 18 months with him for his whole life. I was never behind on child support or any other expectation of providing financially for a child. But I'm also not an involved father by any stretch of the imagination."

"I went to his wedding and celebrated the birth of his first child. Then, they ran into economic issues. We moved into a huge house so my kid, his wife, and their child would have a place to stay. Otherwise, they were bouncing between people's basements and were horribly in commercial debt. We asked for 600 in rent, but in reality, we were subsiding everything, including school. We gave them five years to figure things out, pay their debt off/consolidate it, and start getting their life together. But they didn't want to get their life together; they wanted a free ride.

When they moved out a year later, we removed 500 pounds of trash from the upstairs where they lived. It cost us $41,000 to repair the damage they did to the 1000 sq. foot upstairs they were living in. They talked badly about us to friends and family, alienating almost everyone they got involved with. They constantly lied about everything. My son explosively getting angry was a weekly issue. He tried to break into a gun safe with a screwdriver and a power drill. We moved all the guns out of the house after that.

They never said thanks for anything we did for them. They moved out, and we've had no contact with them other than the daughter-in-law, who is expecting us to continue paying for her college tuition (which we did not do).

That is why they are 'disowned.' They do not want to change and are currently living in a 32-foot trailer in the middle of the plains. If I never see him again, that will be ok, mostly because I doubt he will change or want to change."

—Anonymous, Quora

4."By the time she was 12, my daughter had a fully developed case of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. She became physically abusive to me, her older sister, and her two younger siblings. We went through years of counseling, and more than $100,000 later and a stint in inpatient psychiatric treatment, she picked up a serious drug addiction, which plagues her to this day."

"I could write a book about the abuse I suffered at her hands, including physical abuse and vitriolic language. She had been in jail and state prison. She has physically abused me, my other children, and her own children through the deep neglect of them when she was using. I never went to see her in jail or prison, never bailed her out, and never accepted her collect calls from either. I did write her a very brief letter explaining my decision to her.

I have spoken twice to her in the last six months. Once was when she showed up at my apartment in a rainstorm in sopping wet slippers and obvious withdrawal. Though my husband and I cried and held each other after I dropped her off at the homeless shelter in the next town over, we didn't cave in when she called a few hours later and said she was being asked to leave because of her record of domestic abuse. The last time she called, it was to tell me she was out of prison and living in a sober living facility. I wished her well and severed our connection."

—Cheryl P, Quora

5."The past few years have been absolute hell for the rest of the family, caused by an adult child. She was not abused or brought up in poor conditions. She was doted on and loved. She loved us back, did well in school, and had great friends. We had reasonable rules that were easy to follow. She was given an enormous amount of leeway and attention due to severe medical issues that she suffered from, and we gave up everything to make sure she was okay and cared for. However, when she hit her mid-20s, it was as if a light switch flipped from love to hate."

"To say she has become abusive is an understatement. She screams at us in curse-laden rants, demanding everything, even small inane things, be brought to her with very specific regulations and places, and then absolutely blowing up when it's not provided exactly as she demands. We recently found out about drug addiction in addition to the mental health issues her medical team warned us about during her surgical recoveries, such as depression and anxiety.

During her most recent visit over the holidays, she became so out of control and violent that it led to a physical altercation. Police came, and I was questioned at length (which is good; I would expect nothing less) and pointed out with proof and paperwork the recent spate of multiple ER visits for her, including a request for a mental health hold — which was not granted due to COVID restrictions. The officers listened to us both, and she began to rant in an incredibly disturbing way during her questioning. She loudly claimed that she was abandoned as a child, brought up in abuse, neglected, and then began to scream and berate the people around her. I should point out that the claims of abandonment and neglect were negated by her expensive new iPhone and Coach bag. In the end, she was asked to pack her bags and leave.

Today, I received a long screed from her, blaming me for all the ills and tribulations she has ever encountered in her life. It was a story of pure spite and fiction with outlandish claims against myself, her mother, grandparents, etc. She has been contacting other family members to try to turn them against us and try to isolate us from all family events.

The only solution I can see is to file the paperwork with the court, providing a clean and legal separation to protect ourselves from her abusive behaviors. She would be cut off from all inheritance and be on her own without any of the support she has been comfortable living on, such as being provided medical benefits, car insurance, expensive phone plans, financial help during rough times, etc. Last but certainly not least, she is not welcome back in our house.

This is the most painful thing I have ever had to do."

—RoninIV, Quora

6."My sister-in-law's sister (who I call my sister) disowned her son after finding out that he had been grooming his 15-year-old GF and taking pictures of his toddler brother in the bath and sharing them on the dark web. He's now in prison for it, and the whole family has disowned him. We don't talk about him at all, and I don't blame them for it. I would do the same. It's hard to explain to a six-year-old where the guy went that he idolized, but we have to do it."

"Note: The six-year-old isn't the toddler in this story; he's my nephew, who was old enough to get to know the guy in question and asks every now and then when he will see him again. We were thankful that the guy didn't take any photos of him or his baby brother, but we felt traumatized by what happened to the guy's brother. My sister-in-law had to have counseling, as did my brother because they were really angry about it. They'd trusted him."

—Anonymous, Quora

7."I haven't disowned my son, but I have cut off communication. We used to be really close. I never brought anyone around, but I did get married last year when my son was 19. Since then, he has become hostile to me, telling family members I didn't feed him and 'emotionally manipulated' him. I married my husband because he was good to my kids. My son calls him my 'boy toy.' His attacks are personal, public, and god-awful. His dad is addicted to alcohol, so they are drinking buddies now. He's bitter and has a lot of anger, and I appear to be the target. I cut communication for both of us; I can’t take his attacks anymore, and he needs to stop looking around for easy targets to blame."

"I've told my son I love him to death, but I'm at my limit. If I take myself out of the picture, he won't have a target to externalize blame. He'll have to look elsewhere, or most importantly, inside himself, to improve his life.

I realize I will be blamed and called a bad mom for 'abandoning him,' but I'm not. I'm always here, and he knows it. If something happens to him, he can tell his sisters, and I'll know. We just need space right now."

—Betheny H, Quora

8."My daughter and I had a stressful relationship for many, many years. As we both grew older, it seemed that she resented every single thing I did or didn't do. One day, she moved a 16-year-old 'unhoused friend' into her home. In a matter of days, my 15-year-old grandson and the girl were having sex. I offered to pay for an IUD or birth control implants, but 'they were using protection' and didn't want my input. In a couple of months, my daughter came to my home hysterical — the girl was pregnant. I offered to pay for an abortion, and all hell broke loose."

"Of course, I was the bad guy — I was never there for her, I never supported her, I was always against her, etc. By this time, I was so tired of the constant drama and ongoing arguments that when my daughter declared me the most horrible person on earth (and I'm wording this nicely), I agreed with her. I was incredibly relieved.

My grandson became a father before getting his driver's license, and he was married, divorced, and paid child support before graduating high school. I have a little great-granddaughter I've never met, which makes me sad.

So yes, I wanted my child out of my life. It was heartbreaking and extremely hard in the beginning, but I've come to appreciate the peacefulness and lack of craziness in our family."

—Ramasserie, Quora

9."I had to cut one of my kids off because after I divorced her stepdad, she decided her sole purpose in life was to spy on me and report back to her stepdad everything. She wanted a relationship so badly with him for some reason. She had no idea the damage she was doing to us and our relationship by taking sides. I took the high road and didn't say anything negative about her stepdad, but I cut her out of my life for my own sanity. Eventually, she figured out he was using her to get to me. It damaged her pretty badly in the end. I am not sure I will ever really trust her again. My daughter seems to love to stir the shit pot and cause drama wherever she goes. I love her, but I can love her from way the hell over here for my own sanity. I can't do the day-to-day drama."

—Jennifer M, Quora

10."I discussed this with my son 16 years ago. He was admitted as a legal child at 17 years of age and turned 18 in the duration of his hospital. From that point on, the hospital refused to communicate with me. After his nine-month stay, he told me he was due to be discharged from the hospital as a new paraplegic. The hospital was asking him how I was going to care for him — at no stage did they have a discussion with me. My son and I talked that through, and in summary, we agreed he would get the best and most expedient care to be disowned by me."

"The hospital had far more knowledge, immediate access to resources, and access to a fully-modified house for a person with paraplegia. I was a business person who lived a long way from the hospital and was in a rental house that could not be modified. I was working 10–16 hour days and unable to alter that situation with zero notice so that I could assist him.

When I sat down with the social workers, they did confirm that they were expecting me to care for him on discharge. I said they could not do that when they'd spent the last eight months not telling me anything about his care or when he would be being discharged. I said they were responsible for their patient since they would not recognize I was the caregiver to share information with. So effectively, I disowned him.

For me personally, it was a very awkward, debilitating, horrible feeling. I felt like I was abandoning him, but my son and I both agreed to it. The hospital immediately arranged for a modified house for him to live in, and within two weeks, he was settled. It was not an easy transition for either of us. But his needs for medical and mental health care were immediately attended to, whereas I would've had to fight the system and bureaucratic SILENCE and wait in lines, so to speak, to assist my own son. Because we were able to ensure the hospital retained responsibility for THEIR adult patient, he had the best care."

—Lorrai M, Quora

11."[My daughter] stole the ring off my mother's hand in her coffin. Then she stole from my dad, who had dementia. Every time I saw a new unbelievable low point in her, it was exceeded by another incomprehensible deed. I could not take anymore."

—John B., Quora

12."I disowned my son. It wasn't an issue that I took lightly. I did fail as a mother, and I have accepted that. When he was 15, I sent him to live with his dad. I tried to keep a civil relationship with him and communicate regularly, but he didn't want that. He doesn't want me or his siblings in his life, and I realized that the only reason I kept trying was because I didn't want to admit failure. After he left, my home changed. Me and his siblings got along. The fighting stopped. There was laughter and peace, and it was like a dark cloud was lifted. I don't feel like he is my son; I feel like he is a kid I babysat for 15 years."

"I made a final attempt to work things out with him and offered to maybe get some family counseling, and he wasn't interested. He came back at me with a bunch of stories of abuse that literally never happened. I think he has lied so much about his life that he really believes it. Right now, my life is better than it has ever been, and I don't want him in it. It makes me horrible and selfish, but I'm finally happy. I wish him the best, but he isn't welcome in my life anymore."

—Kaydee, Quora

13."My grandmother cut contact with my mother, as did I, after years of abuse from my mother. My mother would steal money, drugs, and other things from my grandmother. My mother would guilt trip my grandmother into paying for expensive things like rent or a new car, she would beg and plead for my grandmother to give her some of her prescription pain medication, and she was constantly dragging my grandmother into drama."

"My mother is filled with drama. Her life has to be surrounded by it. Growing up, the drama and chaos in the house were all I could remember. There was always yelling, screaming, and fighting, which would cause a huge upset in our family, and we were just expected to act as if everything was fine afterward. My mother also used to and still does, choose men with questionable backgrounds over her kids. Her current husband is a registered sex offender who was in jail for 14 years after raping a young girl. My mother still has kids in the house.

Things like this put a toll on my grandmother's health. She's 70+ years old and was struggling with high blood pressure and stress-induced illnesses because of everything my mother put her through. Every time my mother would contact her, my grandmother's heart rate would skyrocket, her blood pressure would get worse, and her entire day would be spent nursing the stress-induced symptoms caused by my mother. Eventually, my grandmother and I both decided to cut contact together a year ago.

It was hard, to say the least. My mother didn't agree with it and spent the last nine months trying to contact us through 17 different phone numbers, but she seems to have finally gotten the hint and stopped. This isn't a decision either of us made lightly. This decision hurt my grandmother because she deeply loves her daughter. It hurt me because I still love my mother. But the stress of her constantly taking advantage of my grandmother mended I was becoming too much. We needed to heal.

My grandmother and I are now the happiest we've been. Of course, it still hurts to have no contact, but with that no contact, many wonderful things have happened. We've built our own family, my grandmother's health has improved, she's not in debt anymore, she's not running out of her necessary pain medications, and she's doing so well. My husband and I are happier than ever, expecting our first baby in July, and my grandmother can't wait to be a great-grandma. Life has been well, and we're both healing slowly but surely."

—Cherry F, Quora

14."One of my kids was a 'victim' from early childhood on. No matter what happened or what he did, it was never his fault. No matter what was done for him, it was never enough. He had crossed the 30-year Rubicon, was a lawyer, and was married, so he was not a 'troubled kid' when he called one time too many to yell at me that I was 'never there for him.' Now, there are two other parents (long story), and I was the only one who was always there for him, something confirmed by his siblings. I told him that I was genuinely sorry that he was in a bad place and that I'd try to help and talk him through whatever he was going through, but that it felt pretty dismissive and abusive that I only heard from him when he wanted to tell me what I terrible person I was because his life wasn't perfect."

"A short time later, he sent an e-mail to my fiancé that he would not be attending our wedding because I was so 'toxic,' and after a period of grieving on my part and a few therapy sessions, that was that. I blocked him on social media and my phone. I didn't block his e-mail in case of an emergency, and because I'm not a monster.

After 30 years of abusive behavior from a kid who sucked all of the oxygen from the room, I made my peace with the fact that I could do no more, that being a parent did not obligate me to take abuse from an adult child, and that he needs a level of professional help that he doesn't want and I can't make happen."

—Eleanor L, Quora

15."I am at my last breath with my son, and my only solution to his addiction is to cut off all ties. He and his girlfriend steal from people so they can get money for the drugs and alcohol. My son's girlfriend has stolen my clothes, my cellphone, and money from me. He just lies and makes excuses for her. She won't let him work, and all she wants to do is stay in bed all day. She starts fights so that she can go be with other guys. They have twins, and they aren't even doing anything to try to get them back (they're in foster care). She treats him so badly, but in front of me and other family members, she tries to act like it's all him."

"I am done. I have to walk away because I can no longer watch what my son has become. He never drank or did drugs until he got with her. She used to beat him up if he didn't want to get high. Now, he beats her up. My heart is so broken. All I can do is give my son to Jesus."

—Leonajo K, Quora

16."I had to cut my daughter out of my life because she would only talk to me when she wanted money. I'm not a bank. She is 34 years old and won't do anything to help herself and always has an excuse. Neither her husband nor her work. They won't even go ask a church or charity for help with their mortgage after I gave them a house for free. All they have to do is make the payments, which are much cheaper than renting a house would be. She's ungrateful and a user. It broke my heart to do it, but I couldn't do anything for her since she won't do anything for herself."

—Kelly, Quora

17."My 24-year-old stepdaughter treats us horribly. She is passive-aggressive, extremely negative, tells her father he has been a shitty dad the last few years (basically since he and I got together), and is a completely manipulative asshole to everyone. She is arrogant yet has accomplished nothing in her life. She has to be in control, or she has tantrums and acts so childish; it's amazing. We are no longer taking the abuse from this narcissistic personality and cut ties. Everything is always our fault, and she cannot be pleased. What reason do we have to KEEP the relationship? Two grandchildren. But we realize we can never have a good relationship with them. They are used as leverage when she gets angry and will undoubtedly hear all sorts of nasty things about us. It's very hurtful, but we need time to heal without continued abuse."

—Famous, Quora

18."I have been estranged for five years from my oldest child. It was a slow and hard process that came after multiple occasions of being cut out and then allowed back in over many years. Demands were laid down; there were hoops I had to jump through. I was left dangling on the last rung of the ladder. Just when I thought his cruelness couldn't stoop lower, it did, so I opted to step off and away from that ladder. It was a tough grief, mourning the loss of someone still around yet truly unavailable. But it's created space for healthiness unlike before. I love from a distance, unknowing and uninvolved. I can't change another person's behavior, but I can change my own, so I did."

—NC, Quora

19."My husband and I have chosen not to leave anything to our daughters because neither one has given a damn about us in years. They were both only children when my husband and I met. Both were spoiled primadonnas. My daughter went on to work and make a career for herself; his daughter never made anything of herself and has always been a taker. She lives 45 minutes away from her disabled dad and never even calls him on Father's Day or his birthday. She knows he has no money (just a small Social Security check), and so he, apparently, isn't worth her time. When he was hospitalized almost 15 years ago (open heart surgery that was bungled), she wanted me to 'pull the plug' on him. I refused."

"Our son treats us much better, and we rely on him to do the heavy lifting and lawn mowing. So, over his objections, we wrote out our will, leaving everything to him. It isn't much. Our house is 50 years old (with a remodeled kitchen and two baths); but, it's paid for. We have two older cars, both paid for and $100k insurance. But, it's something, at least."

—Jane M, Quora

20."It was extremely hard. I let her repeatedly do horrible things to me because of my love for her. It wasn't until she was an adult that I finally was able to tell her what I thought of her and that I never wanted to see her again. In my case, this girl was evil from birth. I guess some people are born bad because she definitely was. I don't know why she did so much to hurt me, but in time, I realized that she got off on it. She would go out of her way to set me up to get hurt. The worst part was we looked so much alike that countless times, I was mistaken for her."

"All I can suggest is not to wait as long as I did. If it has to be done, then so be it. You're not helping the child by letting it slide. They take that as a sign of weakness, which is a green light for them.

My life got so much better, and I could be at peace after I restricted her. She went out of her way to get me in trouble with the law in any way she could when I did it, but now she's finally focused on someone else and has no way to contact me."

—Shirley D., Quora

21.Finally..."I cut all contact whatsoever with my adult son almost four years ago. He went to jail (again), and I blocked and deleted him. He's been out for about four months now, but he doesn't know where I am. He manipulated, cajoled, lied, and displayed violent behavior. He’s addicted to alcohol, and he uses all manner of drugs. I decided enough was enough. I cannot tolerate his abuse anymore."

—Lynne W, Quora

Do you know anyone who's gone no-contact with their kids — or anyone whose parents have gone no-contact with them? Let us know in the comments or via this anonymous form.

If you are concerned that a child is experiencing or may be in danger of abuse, you can call or text the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453(4.A.CHILD); service can be provided in over 140 languages. If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, you can call SAMHSA's National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) and find more resources here.