Yahoo Lifestyle Daters Are Sharing The "Green Flags" That Turned Out To Be Red Flags In Disguise, And It's Very Yikes
Recognizing red flags in someone early on is easier said than done, sometimes. Yes, some are obvious. However, others can be easily disguised behind what looks like good intentions. Leave it to the smart people of Reddit to share the red flags that often don't come off as red flags until later. Here is some of what they said:
1."When somebody is super into you IMMEDIATELY, it's wise to be a little freaked out rather than flattered and googly-eyed. Younger me learned this the very hard way."
2."When someone cannot disagree with you about anything, no matter how trivial or mundane, they are not being honest with you. Might be nerves, might people-pleasing, might be intentional manipulation, but this trait could have tipped me off far sooner to a few ill-intentioned people if I’d listened to my gut."
3."I dated an extremely spontaneous girl at the beginning, which was fun and exciting. Until I realized it was really just a manic episode."
4."Anything that has to do with child-rearing. You don't realize the gravity of different parenting styles until it's your own kids."
5."My ex told me his previous relationship was abusive, and he wasn't going to change himself to please someone else anymore, which sounds totally reasonable. Except later, he wasn't willing to compromise because I was 'trying to change him.'"
6."When they say you're the only person of the opposite gender who was different. Mentioning how all the other girls (in my case) were high maintenance for expecting too much of their future partner."
7."Nonstop self-deprecating jokes. There is a difference between the occasional silly self-roast and 'I'm depressed and/or hate myself,' but instead of seeking help, I am going to make everyone else uncomfortable with my jokes about it."
"I was guilty of this in the past and stopped. You might think you're just joking around, but those 'jokes' are often draining and uncomfortable for others to hear from you. And it doesn't help your confidence to put yourself down constantly."
8."They tell you how bad their previous relationships were, especially how bad those people were."
9."Passively bottling things up."
10."When they're trolls on social media who get their kicks by being mean and upsetting people for no reason, as long as they have the safety of anonymity. That ought to be a clear red flag. They usually explain, 'Oh, this isn't what I'm like IRL. In REAL life, I'm a very nice person.'"
"What they're saying right there is that not only are they someone who — when given the option of being anyone they want to be — actively chooses and routinely puts forth effort to be mean and nasty to innocent people because that's what makes them happiest, but as soon as there's a chance they could face some actual consequences, they shut right up. So not only are they jerks, they're also cowards."
11."Mild jealousy or possessiveness. Early on, it comes off as attraction and makes a budding relationship feel warm and secure: 'She/he is really into me!' But man, if jealousy doesn’t fade away as you grow closer, bad news."
12."If she tries to broach polyamory many times, she won’t be satisfied with monogamy. Be true to yourselves. You both deserve someone who doesn’t make you cry."
13."They say I love you too soon."
14."Mama's boys. It is so sweet for a son to respect and love his mom. Until you see that love is actually enmeshment, he will never put you above her, and at times, it will feel like there are three people in your relationship."
"It took couples counseling and individual counseling for me and him. My man was worth it, but I will tell my daughter to run far, far away from them."
15."In younger couples, I've noticed that the young woman typically gets a thrill out of having a 'protective' boyfriend who pays her bills, pays for her nails, etc. So, the 'red flag' is the promise of financial stability and buying things for you under the guise of wanting to 'take care of you.' You're stuck and miserable, but at least you have a man. Those are 'red flags' disguised as green flags that I grew up seeing."
16."Always lending a helping hand to other people. It may seem nice at first, but they will keep extending help to people who will use their doormat nature against them, and they'll always be busy or tired, which will impact your relationship. I'm not saying that people shouldn't help people, but it shouldn't be at the expense of their own relationship/family."
17."They want to spend all their time with you."
18."They aren't good at communicating. Being very close to the chest about everything makes my openness feel wrong. The lack of reciprocity also tells me they don't trust me."
19."When at the beginning, she gives you a lot of attention, but with time, she slowly stops giving you attention."
20."When they just want to take it slow because who needs labels? They’ll take you for a ride for three months and dangle a relationship in front of your face, knowing full well you want more and they don’t. It’s so logical. Take it slow; there is no need to rush things. It’s because they can’t commit. It should be a mutual goal, not one-sided. I have fallen for this many, many times."
21."I've noticed that a big warning sign is when they frame their lack of ambition or drive as living in the moment or not being tied down by society's expectations. At first, it comes across as carefree and liberating, but eventually, you realize that it can also mean an aversion to planning for the future or taking on responsibilities. While it's healthy not to be overly stressed by societal pressures, balancing that with some level of ambition and structure is key. Without it, you may find yourself shouldering all the practical aspects of life while they continue to go with the flow."
22."When they belittle you under the guise of humor. If you're someone with a self-deprecating sense of humor, God help you. It took me a long time to respect myself after someone like this. I'd immediately brush off any compliment I'd get/make a joke out of it because I was just so used to being made fun of. (Constructive) criticism is very important, but there should be enough people in your life who 'really' value and appreciate you and who tell you that you matter."
23."Talking about how much of a nice or good person they are. Half the time, you can tell because it comes off really fake. People who compliment others too much to the point it’s to make them look good to others so people talk about how much of a nice person they are. And people with too many friends that aren’t close to them (quality over quantity)."
24."Someone very particular about how they look. At the start, it's great having a model-perfect girlfriend. Then you realize everything revolves around that perfection and validation."
25."When someone turns into an asshole when they’re hungry. I know someone who gets snarky and will snap at you for simple things until they eat, and then all of a sudden, it’s, 'Sorry, I was just hangry. Like, nah, son, you’re an adult. Learn to regulate your emotions."
26."If they have 'one that got away,' that person will be so high up on that pedestal that you’ll never be able to compete. Especially so if that person comes back into their life. Who can compete with a fantasy?"
27."A partner who frames any criticism of you with the phrase, 'I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just telling you the TRUTH.'"
28.And finally, "Being controlling. I used to date a girl who loved PDA, but it made me uncomfortable being around my friends and being that affectionate. I asked her if we could cool it on PDA around my work and around friends. She cried and said I was embarrassed by her. So I dropped my boundary because I assumed I was being the asshole. We maintained doing PDA."
"Months later, we were with her friends, and I tried to hold her hand, but she would shuffle away. On another occasion, she deflected a hug from me around her colleagues. When asked, she said, 'It makes my FRIENDS uncomfortable.' So, my being uncomfortable meant nothing, but other people’s opinions mattered. Noted."
Do you have something you could add to this list? If so, share it with me in the comments below!
