People Are Sharing The Reasons Why They Finally Decided To Come Out

One of the keys to leading a happy and fulfilled life is being able to live out loud as your absolute authentic self (if you are in a safe environment to do so).

There is so much to learn from people's lived experiences, and with that in mind, I recently asked the BuzzFeed Community to share their coming-out stories and the defining moments that helped them make the decision to live authentically.

Some stories were shared through the comments section, some through an anonymous form, and others from Reddit threads in the MtF, AskGayBrosOver30, latebloomerlesbians, and ftm communities.

Here's what people had to say:

1."I’ve known something was different since I was five or six years old, although growing up in the '80s, I had absolutely no awareness of trans people or trans lives. As I got older, I gradually came to realize more about my own situation, but I was absolutely terrified of telling anyone or even accepting it myself."

2."It was really COVID lockdowns that made me realize I'd been suppressing my identity for pretty much my entire life. Not being able to go out or do much gave me the time to finally ask, 'What am I doing and who am I?'"

"At first, I thought I was just a CD (crossdresser), but I've been on HRT for around two and a half years, gotten laser hair removal, and top surgery. I'm now 55 and happy with the real me."

— Anonymous

3."Coming out to myself as gay was a very long process that finally culminated in my acknowledgment that I am not straight at the age of 65. I was deeply repressed. I felt 'normal,' but had a miserable sex life until I stopped having sex altogether when I was 58. Sex stressed me out, and gave me no joy."

4."I met my now wife when I was 31. I decided that loving them was bigger than any fear I had about being a lesbian."

— Anonymous

5."I’ve been out as gay/queer for my entire adult life, but I only came out as non-binary recently, in my late 30s. I’ve always presented and thought of my gender differently than society’s binary expectations, but it’s always taken a lot of internal effort to be ok with that."

6."I feel like 28 was 'later in life.' I came out, after a loooong time of introspection, reflection, and looking at my past until I accepted I wasn't straight."

"And I realized, as hindsight is 20/20, that I knew something was up before I even entered kindergarten."

—purpletruck35

7."My wife of 10 years left me with three kids. She filed for divorce and months later, while contemplating the future and dating again, I had to be honest with myself. I was gay."

"It was a relief to be honest with myself and accept me for who I was. I did not realize how difficult it was to hide that part of myself. I wrote myself a letter that I would reread often. I ended the letter with the line, 'The best is yet to come.' Two months after writing that letter I met my wonderful husband and we have now been married six years. It was true, the best was yet to come."

— Anonymous

8."I was in my late 50s. I grew tired of wearing a male persona. It felt like a series of roles and actions that were expected of me, and they never felt natural. As a child, I knew I was a little girl but was forced to learn little boy patterns and play with the boys even though I was always far happier playing with my girlfriends. Women have always been my tribe."

9."I’m 39 and I only came out to my parents a few weeks ago. My family is a typical Filipino, Catholic, traditional one. It took me this long because I felt that I first had to prove and show them that my sexuality had nothing to do with me being a responsible person, a good daughter, or a good Catholic. I also had to make sure I wasn’t financially dependent on them anymore, 'just in case.'"

"The final deciding moment for me was finding myself filtering parts of my life whenever I shared how things were going for me. I felt sad not being able to freely share what gives me joy because it may lead to them disowning me. I'm happy to say that although my mom has expressed that it’ll be a journey for her to accept, she is willing to try, and my dad just grunted in approval."

— Anonymous

10."I'm a bi guy, but for the longest time, I was only ever romantically attracted to women. Physically it was both, but mentally it was women only. I'd never crushed on a guy, never wanted to date one, and never dreamed of a future with one. I had guy friends and I'd had sex with enough guys, but that was that."

11."I came out to my family after about six months of my online friends referring to me by my new name and pronouns. At that point, I felt like I could be sure that it was the right decision for me."

"I came out because the waiting lists in my country for trans healthcare are very long, and I wanted to be on the list as soon as possible. It was a bit of a balancing act between making sure I wouldn't have to wait longer for treatment and being ready for my family to see me in a different way."

— u/akkinda

12."I was in my twenties when I fully accepted that I liked women romantically. It took a long time to get there, though. I kind of knew that I liked girls, but I forced crushes on boys, convincing even myself that they were real. But I never really cared when they didn't like me back. It wasn't until I was about 24 or 25 that I realized that I don't actually like guys. I thought back on my life, and it was like that speech in Grey's Anatomy when Dr. Hahn realized that she was a lesbian. It all clicked into place for me."

13."For years I thought I was heterosexual and tried to be. I accepted that I was probably asexual though, because I never understood or truly experienced sexual attraction. I didn’t seem to physically or emotionally experience sexuality in the same way as my peers or friends. I just kind of accepted it and moved on with my life until I met her."

"When I met her, we immediately clicked and I started to be more intentional in my self-reflection. Ultimately, it was the fear of looking back a decade from now and realizing I missed one of the best opportunities of my life, and my chance at truly experiencing love that was the catalyst for my coming out. She was the reason I came out at 32, and she is the reason I love myself more than I did. She is the reason for many aspects of my life that changed over the past 3 years, and I’ve never been more sure of the decision to pursue our relationship or the decision to come out late in life and embrace my queer identity."

— Anonymous

14."I was 33 when I started transitioning, and I'm 35 now. I didn't transition earlier because I didn't think I was trans enough. When I was trying to figure myself out as a teenager, I came across sexologist Ray Blanchard's work. I didn't fit his definition of a 'true transsexual,' so I just thought there was something wrong with me. Sometimes, I wonder how my life would have turned out if I'd come across Julia Serano's work instead."

15."I've always had a bit of an inkling that I wasn't straight. But because I've always been a bit shy and incredibly self-conscious, taking a good look at myself was always difficult. It didn't help that I've always hated being the center of attention and people have spent most of my life scrutinizing, gossiping, and speculating about my sexuality. So much so, that it terrified me enough that I avoided it for years."

"It wasn't till my late 30s that I finally had the space and language to understand and accept that I'm bisexual. However, I'm only quietly out to a small handful of people because I'm not at a stage where I can be completely out and dating. So while it's a small step, I at least don't hate myself for my attraction to women anymore."

— Anonymous

16."I am 56 years old and I always felt like I should have been a man. As early as six years old, I remember telling people I was saving up for a sex change. Flash forward to me getting married, having a kid, and getting divorced. I was content to live my life as queer until 2021 when I found out through 23andMe that my dad wasn’t my bio dad."

17."I came out as gay at 31, one wife, one daughter, and one son later. For me, it had to do with my personal happiness and my desire to be the best parent I could be."

"Knowing that I couldn’t be completely happy in my current situation, I took a risk that paid off for us all. It’s been 16 years since I came out. My kiddos are grown and successful contributing members of society and my ex-wife is still one of my closest allies. I’m thankful it worked out well for me."

— u/ksaim

18."I officially came out as Transgender/Genderfluid in 2014 at the age of 42, though I knew something was different about me pre-puberty. I always admired the girls at school and was jealous of what they wore and how beautiful they were. I thought I met the love of my life in 1993 when I was 21. I told her I was a 'crossdresser.' I didn’t know the term 'transgender' then. She seemed to accept me, and we got married four years later. We now have three wonderful daughters."

19."When I was going through puberty, I would sneak onto the computer and look at gay porn. I used to cry about it and repressed those feelings as much as I could. I had an issue with self-identifying as gay. As I got older, I had a few girlfriends, but when things began to get physical, I couldn't reciprocate, and things would disintegrate shortly after. I was resigned to being alone forever."

"I decided to pour everything I had into my work and ignore that part of my life. At the age of 26, I finished a large project and thought that I would be happy after it was done, but I was incredibly sad. I felt alone and unfulfilled, and I had no hope for the future. I knew I had to confront the fact that I was gay, that I wanted to be gay, that I wanted to have a fulfilling relationship, and that being gay was part of what would make me happy.

I remember deciding to tell my parents first. I didn't know how they would react as we never really discussed it before. I just sat there and cried, not saying a word for a few minutes, then took a deep breath and told my mom. She was accepting and thankfully my dad was too. Now, I'm completely out, and I do not hide it. I'm 35 going on 36 now, and I'm engaged to a wonderful person. There were many bumps in the road here, but I'm happy."

— u/SpaceJocky

20."I came out as transgender at 33 years old after trying every damn thing I could think of to be 'okay' with the world perceiving me as a woman, including getting a breast reduction. That was really the last straw. My chest was finally a 'normal' size but the feelings didn't stop."

"I had to come out to my husband to get on hormones and he outed me to a bunch of people out of anger, though he has since apologized and understands why that was wrong and dangerous. I had to do it. I'd waited long enough. I'd avoided it as long as I could because I knew it would blow my life up, and even though it did, I'm much happier now than I was."

— u/stimkim

21."I (female, 61) came out at 45. I ended my marriage to a narcissist because it was no longer a healthy place for me, and the lead-up to the divorce gave me the gift to explore deep down what I always knew about myself. I remember the peace of finally embracing my authentic self. It was like I was whole and that it was okay to feel this way."

22.And finally, "I came out as queer at 27 and then trans at 30. It took me a long time, mostly because of a combo of childhood trauma (that led to intense people-pleasing and difficulty identifying/accepting my own feelings) and a conservative Christian upbringing (that I leaned into really hard for a sense of identity and approval from others). Going to university and learning about different people and ways of living really opened my eyes to how sheltered and narrow my views were, and I started to question my religious beliefs a lot."

"I started going to free counseling through my school because I was miserable and couldn't figure out why. Eventually, I worked through enough layers to very fearfully come out to my counselor in a letter. Coming out as queer felt overwhelmingly scary, so I tried to ignore the gender stuff for a while until I couldn't avoid that anymore, either. Sometimes I think about the years I spent miserable/trying to be someone else and wish I could have been ready sooner, but there was just so much to unpack first. What matters is that I made it here eventually, and I'll get to live the rest of my life more authentically."

— u/doobsnotboobs

Thank you to everyone who shared their story with me. You just never know who you might reach with your inspiring truths.

*Some entries have been edited for length and/or clarity.