Yahoo Lifestyle People Are Sharing The Controversial Dating And Relationship Opinions They'd Defend To The Death, And Ummmmm, Some Have Me Raising My Eyebrows
We recently asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to share their spiciest relationship hot takes. And while some of those "controversial" opinions felt pretty darn reasonable to me, others definitely had me scratching my head and raising my eyebrows. Check out these hot takes for yourself and see if you agree:
1."Have sex on the first date. That's the best way to know if you're compatible and want to stick around."
—Anonymous
2."Polyamory is never successful, no matter how many times someone might try to convince you that it is. We can't fight our nature, and someone gets jealous, or two people become closer and exclude the third, or the psychological demand of trying to please two people becomes intensely draining. I have seen numerous relationships go from three to two people or fall apart entirely. To be fair, how many relationships work between two people? And you want to make it three? Now, if someone says that they are poly, I smile politely but roll my eyes behind their back. I just know it won't work, and someone is about to get hurt."
3."Misunderstood therapy terms are ruining many relationships, romantic or otherwise. No, your partner hasn't been 'crossing your boundaries.' You have crossed your own boundaries by delivering zero consequences in response. No, your partner isn't 'demanding emotional labor.' They had a rough patch and want to lean on you for support. Folks will hide behind buzzy terms, yet not just talk about what's on their minds. It fosters a hyper-individualist/lonely mindset."
4."Do not romantically entangle yourself, in any way, with someone who is still legally married, even if they say they're separated and have been for months or years. You won't receive any protection if you live somewhere that still has laws where the legal spouse can drop you into a world of financial hurt with infidelity or fornication charges. If they are influential enough to get a lawyer and a judge to agree, some of those actually come with jail time or fines."
—Anonymous
5."I think it's okay that some couples split up and get back together. There shouldn't be a stigma around returning to someone you left or who left you. Every relationship is different, and sometimes this can work. I did this in two of my relationships, and the time apart can really change a person's perspective. However, there should be some time between the breakup and the reunion — at least a week. Please note that this isn't the way for everyone. Some relationships can irreparably harm people, making it too dangerous to revisit."
—Anonymous
6."Marriage isn't hard. If your marriage (or long-term partnership) is hard, you're doing something wrong. LIFE is hard. The person you're sharing it with should be someone who makes it easier and more enjoyable. And yes, of course, that takes effort on both sides — in the form of attention and intention — but that shouldn't feel like a chore."
—Anonymous
7."Nobody can be faithful. Whether it's cheating emotionally or sexually, everyone does it."
8."As someone who has had bad experiences with therapy, I still think relationship counseling can be a really smart move to make sure you're on the same page. It can also help to have an impartial third person explain your feelings to the other person so it does not come from a place of high emotion. As someone who's never lived with a significant other, I'd probably insist on counseling before moving in with a partner so that we can iron out any issues preemptively."
9."If either partner plans to take time off work to raise kids, have it settled that the time is 'salaried.' Not in literal paychecks, but in the event of a divorce, you're entitled to 'back pay,' including the cost saved on childcare and lost work opportunities, including raises, etc. Again, doesn't have to be cash, but in some form of asset that makes sense for you. Being a stay-at-home parent is WORK, and that parent should be compensated. Too many stay-at-home parents (mostly mothers) get super screwed."
10.Non-sexual romantic relationships are just as valid and loving as sexual romantic "relationships, and platonic relationships are far more valuable than romantic ones."
"Agreed! I've grieved the loss of some friendships a lot harder than romantic breakups. I always think of it like this: In a romantic breakup, they've decided I'm not the one. In a friendship breakup, they can have as many friends as they want, but they just don't want me to be one of them."
11."You can have close friends of the opposite gender, and if your S.O. has an issue with it, they are not secure enough in themselves or the relationship, and maybe they don't need to be in one until they can learn to be more secure."
12."You need to be able to burp and fart in front of your partner. You don't have to be disgusting about it, but it creates a comfort zone in your relationship."
13."You shouldn't try to find 'the right one' or your 'soulmate.' Find the one you want to spend the next chapter of your life with, not the remainder of it. People do change, and so do their romantic and sexual interests. Don't force yourself to be in a relationship — even if it's loving and caring — if you really don't want to be in one."
14."Date and build a friendship for a long time before having sex. Not just three dates or three weeks — wait even longer. When you follow the hormone-driven sparkles at the start and that inevitably dies down, there is a good chance the sex was the best thing about the honeymoon phase, and you sadly find out you're not even friends. If you do it the other way around, you're still left with your best friend when the physical sparkle dies down."
15."There's nothing wrong with wanting someone who matches your values and lifestyle. After I left my ex, I finally realized what it meant to be equally yoked — something I had heard all my childhood but in the context of religious views. If you have a college degree, it makes perfect sense to want to pair with someone who also has a college degree. If you don't smoke or do drugs, it makes sense to want a partner who doesn't smoke or do drugs. If you don't have kids (and you're at an age where it's common not to have kids), it's perfectly reasonable not to want to date single parents. This shouldn't be controversial, but it is. People seem to have a weird problem when you say exactly what you do and don't want because it aligns with who and what you are."
16."You shouldn't get married just because you're having a kid. I get there's a whole religious bias about having a child 'born out of wedlock,' but if things don't work, you have a divorce on top of a custody battle. Also, there's no shame in giving your kids a hyphenated last name."
17."Sleeping in separate bedrooms is absolutely underrated and sometimes even frowned upon. But whether it's because of different sleeping habits or because one of you is a light sleeper and the other is a snorer, sleeping peacefully and having your own space does wonders for a relationship. My partner and I have been together for over 20 years, and we've been sleeping separately since COVID-19. We both enjoy visiting each other for intimacy, but the nightly routine and sleeping are much more peaceful this way."
"Grouchy, sleep-deprived people will not be as effective in their relationship as people who get good, restorative sleep. I became a young widow 13 years ago. I'd love to be in a relationship, but I want to keep the bed to myself."
18."If you plan on ever living with your S.O., do so before getting married or making any sort of long-term commitment. I had a great friendship that was nearly destroyed during my junior year of college because I learned the hard way that you could love someone but not be able to live with them."
19."My older relatives and parents' friends find me being happily single 'controversial,' or at least unusual. If you don't don't want to deal with marriage, dating, or anything related to romance, you don't have to! Being single means that you don't have to share the bed with anyone, compromise on different home decor opinions, or (at least for me) worry about being cheated on or abused by a toxic romantic partner. You're free to go out wherever you want, whenever you want."
20."I think there's a narrative that if you didn't have your first relationship in your teens, you're abnormal or something. However, I had my first relationship late, and I think my maturity and ability to learn from the mistakes of my friends and peers have helped me to be a better girlfriend. Basically, starting late is kind of cool. It's easier to pick good people, too, since you better know what matters to you."
21."I don't believe in traditional Western monogamy. I think it's a toxic product of patriarchy and capitalism. I don't ever deprioritize myself or my other relationships. Someone should add to my life, not take away from it. There's this narrative of finding 'the one,' and many women and men disappear from friendships and even familial relationships to prioritize their romantic ones. Sometimes, it's not because that's what the person wants to do; it's what they think they should do. You may not plan for the relationship to end, but it could, and then you're all alone, and you have no one but yourself to blame."
22."Long distance relationships are great. The time you spend together is much more precious since you've missed that person. However, time zones and the amount of time you can/can't spend together can make things feel way harder."
—Anonymous
23."I think people don't wait long enough to get to know the real person they're with. Most people are not the people they are on the first few dates. They try too hard to be the 'best' version of themselves. Then, it gets to a point where there are issues because one is too used to something or is set in their ways. And it's unfair because you ultimately want somebody who will love you for you — faults, triumphs, and all — not just during the good times. I had my heart broken while dating somebody who adored me until I went through a rough time. Meanwhile, I had completely looked past their rough patches because that's what love is supposed to be. But it doesn't always go both ways. True love is unconditional. It took me way too long to learn that."
24."Swinging. It's a great lifestyle. You play when you want, and you can have just two people or up to a foursome. Communication and consent are key, but it can be awesome."
—Anonymous
25."You should date someone in your league. This is more than looks. It's finance, education, culture, religion, family, language, etc. I know some amazing couples from different backgrounds, so it can work, but usually, it adds another layer of difficulty to the already difficult work of sustaining a relationship. It's all about knowing what you can tolerate."
—Anonymous
26."Real, lasting relationships go through some shit and require work. People these days play too many games and are too selfish. My partner and I have been together for seven years this year. He is my best friend and the love of my life, but we have put each other through some terrible times due to our bad choices. But we've also stuck by one another no matter what. We always support each other and are committed to growing together as individuals. They aren't called 'serious relationships' because they're all about having fun, being happy 24/7, or swiping onto the next person when you feel like it. Also, forget anyone else's view or opinion on your relationship except for yours and your partner's. No one else truly knows what's best for you but you."
—Anonymous
27.And: "More people might be happier in their relationships if they practiced some of the tenets of relationship anarchy. Recognize that your close friendships and your (nontoxic) relationships with your family can be just as important as your relationship with your romantic partner. Your partner doesn't have to be your everything."
—Anonymous
Do you have a relationship hot take you think deserves to be discussed? Tell us in the comments or submit anonymously using this form!
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
