Yahoo Lifestyle "I Regret Being So Militantly Against It": Parents Are Sharing The Thing They Wished They Had Done Differently In Hindsight
It's part of life that we learn as we go, and raising children is no different. Redditor karibbeanqueen asked, "Parents of kids 18+, in hindsight, what do you wish you could have done differently?" Here are some of the things parents would do differently if they could have another chance...
1."I'd actually think about things rather than just say no. Let them HAVE some control over their world, listen to them for real. In kindergarten, my son brought home sand from the playground at school in his shoes and would pour it out into a pile on his floor. He was devastated that I vacuumed it. So ridiculous to collect sand!? But it meant A LOT to him, and so I decided to compromise and we got a container. It means so much to them to be really listened to, they will trust and come to you in the future if they know you will listen, not just react."
2."Forget about food battles. My son was a 'good eater' until he was about 3, and then he wasn't. And I battled with him over meals. It probably didn't start until he was older (five-plus), but I made him try everything and made him take "2 more bites" even when he clearly did not like it. Sometimes, when he was older, I made him sit at the table until he ate what I perceived to be an appropriate amount of food..."
"...Once, I remember saying that if he did not eat it for dinner, he would have it for breakfast. Ugh, I really regret that one. I fucking carried that battle into a new day. Often, there were tears. Eventually, when he was 12, 13, 14, whatever - I could not win the battle anymore - not that I was ever winning when he was younger. Now, at 23, he's STILL PICKY. All my battles and tears meant nothing. It was a battle I lost and a battle I should not have had to begin with. I was young, and I thought it was the right thing. I was wrong."
3."Pick my battles. Wanna wear pajamas to school? Will it hurt anybody? No. Will it hurt you? No. Okay, it's not worth the fight. You wanna have cake for breakfast? Will it hurt anybody? No. Will it hurt you? No. Do we do it often? No. Okay, it's not worth the fight."
4.Ask yourself, 'Will this matter in five years?' Spending time playing, paying attention to them, showing up for them, getting those dental visits, your tone and manner as a parent (yes, you can have off days, and that's fine)...that will all 'matter' Finishing the laundry pile or getting that 'perfect party decor', stressing over something you can release, ice cream before dinner every once in a blue moon, etc... will not matter in five years...."
5."Don't rush things. So many parents are so concerned about their kids hitting A, B, or C before their peers, and guess what? It doesn't matter. Let them be kids. Play with them. Go to the park. Read books to them. Show up at school to help in the classroom or work at the Christmas party. Show up for all their sporting events, art shows, or whatever they do. You will always cherish the memories of time spent with them and so will your kids. Your kids will appreciate what you think are little things that don't matter, so just show up and be present. Put your phone down and play with them for 30 minutes. Build a pillow fort, have a movie night, let them pick where to go for a special meal together, or pick the activity."
6."I would have played more. I'm not a player, I'm terrible. Far too many times, I let them play by themselves so I could clean, do work, and goof off (aka relax my brain). I was too much an 'all or nothing person,' like I'd need to spend hours playing or not at all..."
"I would have told younger me to set a timer, like 15 minutes even, and just force myself to sit there, hold the teacup, hold the matchbox car, say vroom, make the Barbies talk, etc... Play builds trust, play lets them see a different side of you, play builds ways you communicate together, play lets you learn about THEM (their thoughts, their worries), play builds connection you will need to leverage later. 'Play with me' can be a child's way to say 'I love you.'"
7."My kids are now 43, 41, 37. Read to them, teach them the skills it takes to live independently, and give them understandable rules and enforce them. Your job is to prepare them to be kind, caring, and responsible adults."
8."I think I was a bit too relaxed with them. Not in terms of their behavior— my kids were never spoiled or badly behaved, and I was strict about that. But I didn't push them regarding academic achievements, going to university, etc. I felt that their happiness was more important. I asked them to achieve what they were capable of, and they did, but I wish I'd pushed a bit more because they were capable of more than they knew, and I'm only seeing that now that they're the fabulous adults they have become. The one bit of long-term advice I would give is to work on their emotional resilience. Actively teach them how to build good relationships and deal with difficult relationships, grief, and loss. Teach them personal insight and to trust their instincts."
9."Push them out of their comfort zones. Every day, your job is to push your kids just slightly out of their comfort zone. That's how they grow. And if you do this over the next five or six thousand days, the benefits add up."
10."My oldest is 10, and one change we still want to make now is encouraging both kids to be more independent. Often, as a parent, you do things for your kids because you have to go somewhere or simply because you love them, but it can actually be a disservice..."
"...I have friends out of necessity having their kids make their own lunches and take complete control of their morning routine at a young age as they were single parents with multiple kids. I stayed with one, and she stayed sitting at her computer working when her youngest (eight) came into the kitchen, made themselves toast, and packed their lunch. I was amazed, and I wanted to start working with my kids to have more responsibility for their own things at home."
11."I regret being so militantly anti-screens when my first kid was born. Like, I wouldn’t allow the TV to be on while he was in the same room, even as a clueless newborn potato. I could’ve enjoyed so many seasons of trashy TV (on mute) while contact napping and cluster feeding!"
12."Especially for boys, tell them how awesome they are. Tell your boy that he will be loved even if he is short, big, has glasses, or is skinny. Tell him most people are self-conscious about themselves. People come in all sizes, and girls don't just like guys who are buff and beautiful. Show him real relationships in the world and how you don't have to be 10/10 to find love. Talk to him about emotions and how everyone has them, and letting them out is a good thing..."
"So many boys and young men doubt themselves and don't have a place to share emotions. They think that they are unworthy of love, and I find it heartbreaking. We need to teach girls these things as well, but as a society, we have been better at this with girls than with guys."
13."Just listening more. Too many times I felt I had to offer a solution or fix things. Really, they just wanted to know someone was listening. It's not like it was always like that, but here's the thing: it's what I remember, now that I'm older and know better. The good news is, now I shut my mouth and I listen."
14."My wife and I were among the first parents in history to begin navigating the Internet and handheld devices. I'll never forget the Christmas that we gave them iPod touches. 'It will be fun,' we thought. 'They will be able to listen to music and play games.' That one single day changed our family forever. I didn't think about the reality that it was a portal to the Internet and the ugliness that comes with it. We didn't know any better, but now the hard data and research are in. These devices wreak havoc in the minds of our children. Had I the chance to do it over again, they wouldn't have flip phones until they were at least 16."
15."I regret being obsessed with doing 'the right thing' in the newborn and baby phase. Every problem that came up, I spent so much time and energy searching for the perfect answer and feeling panicked when the solutions I tried didn't work for us."
16."I would have apologized more. I think it’s hard as a parent to realize that you’re wrong, and I only started realizing that they needed me to be more human when they were in their teens. I just started caring less about what my mom would think about my parental decisions and started caring more about my kids’ opinions of me. They need to know you are not perfect."
17."I wouldn't have breastfed for as long as I did. I went for 18 months, but looking back, I was so touched out and miserable by the one-year mark. I don’t look back on that time fondly. My son (who woke up a million times a night) also started sleeping through the night a few days after I weaned him off of BFing. Once I stopped, I felt like myself again."
18."I regret not taking more videos. I have tons and tons of photos, but very few videos. I wish I could go back and watch all the mundane, boring everyday stuff."
19."It's hard to put this into words in the way I want to actually explain it, but I really regret trying to optimize every aspect of my first’s daily life. Like in every way I wanted to go with the 'best' option for things and in my very limited, inexperienced and easily swayed mindset that translated into doing things in a rigid miserable way..."
"... I exclusively breastfed because I bought into the narrative that it was the fundamental best choice (even though I was miserable doing so for a handful of reasons), I did BLW even though I was constantly nervous about her choking, I parroted all the gentle scripts to her when she became a toddler even though I was like, this isn’t working, and I don’t sound like myself.
I responded to every single cry or complaint even though that meant sometimes stopping my husband mid-sentence just to help her (not as a crying infant, but rather as an angry 18-month-old who can’t zip her jacket, for example). I just tried so hard to be perfect; it was so deeply unfun and stressful. I can’t truly say I regret it, though, because I ended up really realizing when my other kids were born how much the noise in your head is other people's voices and 'information' that is nothing more than pretty little beige fluff. By being so uptight and vigilant, I finally learned to let go and just try to enjoy my kids rather than just checking off a box that says 'you are good.'"
20."I wish I didn't rush the milestones. Let your child enjoy the moment. I have a lot more patience this time around. Probably because I’m in my mid-40s instead of my early 20s, so I have nothing to prove to anyone."
21."I vividly remember googling 'should I stop rocking first or singing first' as if the order of those two things would’ve made my son nap in his crib 🤦🏼♀️. I spent waaaaay too much energy on his sleep. I should’ve just enjoyed the snuggles because they didn’t last forever."
22."I regret all the guilt. I feel like I spent the whole first year feeling deeply guilty for each time I wasn’t 'perfect,' and the stress of that guilt just made things worse and worse. I wish I had let my husband help more and not been so focused on ensuring things were always 'fair.' I’m expecting my second, and I’m really hoping I can let things go more the second time around and just let myself do my best without getting so caught up in expectations."
What is something you regret doing as a parent or something you would do differently regarding raising kids if you had a second chance? Tell us in the comments or in this anonymous form.
