‘Living apart, together’ brings wellbeing benefits to couples over 60

Young love is often defined by the period before couples move in together, marking a significant next step in the relationship. But a new study has found that older people who find love later in life and choose not to move in together are better off mentally.

Researchers analysed data from the United Kingdom Household Longitudinal Study and found that older adults have better mental health when they live apart from their significant others, similar to the mental health benefits experienced by their married or cohabiting peers.

In fact, couples who are "living apart, together" enjoy these mental health benefits without the "frictions" and "intense day-to-day interactions" that come with being married or living together.

The study, authored by Professor Yang Hu at Lancaster University and Dr Rory Coulter at University College London, added that couples who don’t live together avoid care responsibilities, "legal obligations and institutional binding" that can make it more difficult to leave a relationship if they are unhappy.

They found that all couples, whether married, cohabiting or living apart, experienced a decrease in mental health if the relationship ends. However, those moving out of a relationship in which they didn’t live together experienced a far smaller mental health impact those those moving out of a marriage or cohabitation.

Older women, in particular, may benefit more from living apart from their partner than men. The authors wrote that "in married and cohabiting unions, older women typically undertake a larger share of domestic and care tasks than older men".

"By contrast, LAT (living apart, together) may afford older women the personal space, autonomy and agency to avoid the often-onerous care commitments and domestic responsibilities associated with cohabitation and marriage," they added.

The study reaffirmed previous evidence that men benefit more than women from marriage in their mental health, but found that both men and women experience mental health benefits as a result of living apart while in a relationship.

"Therefore, LAT seems to provide a gender-egalitarian way for older women and men to access the mental health benefits associated with couple relationships," the authors wrote in their conclusion

Prof Coulter added: "When we think about intimate partnerships, we often focus on couples who live under the same roof, but our study draws attention to the complex life circumstances in older age and the importance of intimate relationships that stretch across households."

In a further comment, Prof Yang said: "While societies and governments have long emphasised the importance of building strong households for the well-being of individuals, our findings highlight the value of going beyond the household as a default 'building block' of families and societies.

"It's time we see and recognise the strength of often invisible intimate ties beyond the household in sustaining older adults' well-being."

A number of celebrity couples have famously lived apart while in a relationship, including Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton, who lived in two separate houses that were next door to each other when they were together, until 2014.

Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Brad Falchuk are also a couple that benefit from living apart, together. The pair spend four nights a week together, but Falchuk lives in a different house the rest of the time.

Ellie Goulding has also previously spoken about the benefits of living apart from her husband, Caspar Jopling. In 2020, she told The Mirror that she lived in London while Jopling stayed in Oxfordshire.

The singer said: "I love it! I love my husband – but I also love myself. I can read a book. I can go for a run, I can eat messily. So it’s really great that you can have a partner that you don’t have to be with 24/7 – even when you’re married."

Read more about relationships:

• Benefits of a sleep divorce as Brian Cox divulges 'secret' to good marriage (Yahoo Life UK, 6-min read)

• Why more couples are choosing to live apart (The Conversation, 4-min read)

• Living together before marrying at highest level since records began (PA Media, 2-min read)