Nicole Kidman reveals sad private struggle: 'Completely overwhelmed'

Nicole Kidman has admitted her greatest career high was marred by a private struggle that meant she didn't get to enjoy the best night of her professional life.

The actress has revealed that her split from Tom Cruise after 11 years of marriage overshadowed her Oscar win for Best Actress in 2003, revealing the story to author Dave Karger in his new book 50 Oscar Nights.

Nicole won the award for her role as Virginia Woolf in The Hours, and quickly broke down as she accepted the award, telling the crowd, "Russell Crowe said, 'Don't cry when you get up there,' and now I'm crying."

"I was struggling with things in my personal life, yet my professional life was going so well," she says in the book, which was excerpted in People. "That's what happens right?"

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While she should have been enjoying an incredible night, Nicole wasn't in a celebratory mood and wanted to skip the Vanity Fair after-party.

"I’m not a big party girl, so I was going to skip the Vanity Fair party, and everyone was like, 'You’ve got to go. You’ve got to walk through the party carrying your Academy Award,'" she said.

"I said, ‘That just feels like gloating, and it doesn’t feel humble.’ Like, what? You can’t walk through carrying the award! That feels really inappropriate. They’re like, 'That’s what you do.'"

Nicole didn't enjoy the party, adding, "So I literally walked in, carried it around, was completely overwhelmed, emotional, shaking, and I didn’t enjoy it. I was almost apologetic, which is so stupid. I wish I could have enjoyed it more."

She went back to the Beverly Hills Hotel, ate fast food with her family and went to bed, telling the author, "That’s when it hit me. I went, I need to find my love; I need a love in my life. Because this is supposed to be when you go, 'This is ours.'"

"I went to bed alone; I was in bed before midnight. If I ever won again, I’m telling you, I’d be out for 24 hours."

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Nicole has been nominated for an Oscar five times, including for The Hours. She was nominated for Moulin Rouge, Rabbit Hole, Lion and Being the Ricardos.

Two years after winning the Oscar, Nicole would go on to meet her now-husband Keith Urban at the G'Day USA Gala in 2005. The pair have been married for 17 years and share two children, Sunday Rose, 15, and Faith Margaret, 13.

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