A mortified mum, who was caught in the act by her kids, has called it “every parent’s worst nightmare” in a hilarious description of the moment.
Jessica Hood, a Melbourne mum of four, who has over 55,000 followers online, took to her social media account to relay how she and her husband were “busted mid-thrust” when the kids were supposed to be in bed.
“It’s 9.30pm on a Wednesday what could possibly go wrong?. Little bit of nookie never hurt anyone right?,” she started her Instagram post.
“I thought my heart couldn't race any faster during such an intimate moment but now I'm on the verge of cardiac arrest. No amount of chairs or even a chested draw was gonna stop it. It was like a stampede of elephants except there was no warning...I mean Why would there be?! They're meant to be asleep!!”
Jessica went on to describe how she and her husband, Karl, were right in the middle of doing the deed when almost in slow motion, her kids came parading into the room.
“The creak of the door, the hall light shining on our faces as if we were criminals of the night. My mum instinct kicked in and I did what anyone else would do in a situation like that. I played dead. I played bloody dead,” Jessica said.
“I even threw a little bit of the tongue out the side of my mouth. YEP I actually did that. Lost my dignity and any sense I had too during my most valuable time. Neat. So here I am dead, lifeless, going floppy a lot quicker than Karl unfortunately. Then, reaching around for a blanket Karl flew over me like Batman with his Cape, hiding any evidence of the act.”
Jessica’s thoughts were racing, asking herself ‘were we quick enough? What did they see?. Oh my God they're going to be in therapy for life’.
“My kids are young but not as innocent as I would like. Lily is 7 and already gives the impression she knows a lot,” Jessica continued.
“I could see us being her highlight of school holidays, her ‘tell’ at show and tell on the first day back.”
She went on to describe the relief when she heard the words ‘what are you doing?’ coming from behind the doona.
“That was a GREAT sign, reassuring words to me. ‘We are play fighting, I'm giving mummy a massage’... DUMB DUMB DUMB answer. REALLY KARL REALLY!,” she wrote.
After being told to go back to bed, Jessica and her husband thought they had gotten away with it until they head their daughter giggle in the hallway, saying to her brother: “Mum and dad were doing sex”.
“Just wonderful! I’ve scarred my kids for life, either that or I’ve set them up for a life of ‘blackmailing mummy and daddy’,” Jessica wrote.
“They have one over us and I’m worried. Kids are more clued on that we give them credit for. Be warned, next week we may have a pony in our backyard and a brand new swimming pool. Tomorrow will be an interesting day. I plan to stick to ‘story’. Avoid any questions and act as normal as possible. If all else fails, I could just play dead...right?”
Jessica told Yahoo Lifestyle that while the kids hadn't said anything to her the following morning, she knows it is coming.
“Knowing my children, they’re waiting until it slips my mind to give me grief,” she said.
Jessica’s followers both sympathised with her and were in hysterics at her account of her night.
“I just woke my sleeping baby in fits of laughter. Crying at the hilarity of it all. I’m petrified of when this will happen to us,” one person wrote.
“It’s happened to the best of us. Brilliant though,” another wrote.
Jessica previously made headlines after dropping an incredible 22kg in coronavirus lockdown and sharing her transformation on her Instagram account.
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