Yahoo Lifestyle How To Say No
There’s no doubt that women have never been better at making ourselves heard. Our voices have clout in workplaces, at home and certainly in the marketplace, where we control 64 per cent of global spending. And yet we still can’t say “no”.
The problem is “women please and men perform”, according to Heather McGregor, author of Mrs Moneypenny’s Careers Advice For Ambitious Women. In other words, women are taught – from childhood – that the needs of others are more important than their own. To say “no”, is to displease and disappoint.
Even those of us who think we have it licked usually have a refusal blind spot, and there’s often someone who knows just how to capitalise on it. So, according to the experts, the first step in learning how, when and where to put your foot down is to identify your particular area of weakness. We asked a team of authors and psychologists to give us their strategies for saying “no” and sticking to it.
Weak spot: feeling guilty
Despite an honours degree in maths, my friend Lily, 28, decided that a career in banking (chosen by most of her university mates) wasn’t for her. Now a part-time teacher, she describes herself as “the least high-flying of the gang”. The trouble is, she says, the others expect her to be permanently available both physically – for example, when it comes to buying a birthday present for one of the group – and emotionally, when someone needs a shoulder to cry on. “The truth is that I’m not as busy as they all are, so if I muster up the courage to say ‘no’, I am immediately overcome with feelings of guilt,” she explains.
What to do: own your feelings
“Lily has the most common variant of refusal disorder,” says Gill Hasson, co-author of How To Be Assertive In Any Situation. “In order to stop feeling guilty, we must first be completely honest with ourselves about how we feel.” In other words, if Lily doesn’t want to drop everything and visit the friend having a break-up crisis, then she needs to admit that to herself. “Once she has acknowledged and owned her feelings,” adds Hasson, “she must work on accepting the idea that her needs come first. Women must also take heart in the fact that the first time you say ‘no’ [in a situation where you’ve previously always said ‘yes’], it will feel strange and uncomfortable. That is normal and is not a reason to change your answer to ‘yes’.”
Weak spot: Fear of looking lazy:
Are you worried you’re going to look like a flake if you turn down an opportunity? You might have good cause. Ros Taylor, a clinical psychologist, explains: “This is tricky because, in my research, being a problem-solver was top of the ‘required skills for high-fliers’ list. If you meet a request from your boss with a stark ‘no’ and without any qualification of your response, then, yes, you will sound lazy and unmotivated.”
What to do: delegate
All is not lost, says Taylor, because solving problems doesn’t just mean taking on endless amounts of work – it means learning how to prioritise and delegate. “If it’s something you would really like to do, then explore whether you might be able to pass other jobs to someone else,” advises Taylor. “Women are notoriously bad at this, and need to practise.” If you can’t delegate on your own, says Taylor, then bring your boss into the discussion. “Instead of a bald ‘no’, begin the conversation with something along the lines of: ‘This is a great opportunity. But before we get started, can we talk about my other responsibilities and how you would like them prioritised?’”
Weak-spot: over-explaining
This is my Achilles heel. The lengths I will go to in order to make sure an editor understands why I can’t write a story are quite staggering. I’ll mention my workload, probably throw in an update on the state of my children’s health and even invoke the prevailing weather conditions if they’re likely to make my “no” sound less like a “no”.
What to do: tell the truth. “If you mean ‘no’ in perpetuity, then give an explanation, but make it clear that it’s a final answer,” insists McGregor. “Don’t fall into the classic trap of saying, ‘Do ask me next time.’ I liken a truthful ‘no’ to getting your legs waxed – three minutes of pain, but the result is worth it.” Remember, adds Laura Vanderkam, author of 168 Hours and What The Most Successful People Do Before Breakfast, there are only 168 hours in a week, so a well-picked “no” will free up a “yes” elsewhere.
Weak spot: need for praise
We say “yes” to keep people happy – at our own expense. “It’s an interesting phenomenon that people view ‘no’ as a more final answer than ‘yes’,” says Richard Gerver, author of Change: Learn To Love It, Learn To Lead It. “‘Yes’ doesn’t often lead to a creative process or negotiation – it generally leads to a continuation of the status quo. ‘No’, on the other hand, can start an interesting debate – and lead to productive change.”
What to do: stop people pleasing
Gerver, an award-winning teacher turned government education advisor and, now, a sought-after motivational speaker, believes that we teach girls and young women to fear saying “no”. “In my career, I’ve seen countless examples of very well-behaved, people-pleasing girls in school who do everything that is expected of them, gain praise for it and therefore grow up fearing that saying ‘no’ will make them miss out,” he says. “They are the girls who suffer from stress and anxiety but all the whilewill tell you that they’re taking on everything that is thrown at them because they wantto. I believe it’s timeto think hard about how we educate girls and to take away some of that fear. We need to teach them that if the answer to ‘Do you understand?’ or ‘Do you like it?’ is ‘no’, then the world will not end if they say that.”
Weak spot: fear of rejection
Coming from a “noisy, artistic and argumentative family and married to a guy who fits right in with them”, quietly spoken make-up artist Chloe, 32, says she always puts her feelings and opinions aside to keep the peace – fearing the confrontations that might arise if she says “no”. It’s a common story, but not a very healthy one, says psychologist Dr Lucy Atcheson. “For many women, low self-esteem leads them to believe that saying ‘no’ makes them more rejectable,” she explains. “They will often claim to be trying not to rock the boat, but actually what they are doing by saying ‘yes’ all the time is attempting to make themselves indispensable – again as a safeguard against rejection.”
What do do: don’t think the worst
Always guarding against rejection tends to invite it, says Dr Atcheson, particularly in intimate relationships. “If you are constantly invoking the theme of rejection, then other people will think there is something to reject,” she warns. She advises the following exercises:
1 Compliment yourself five times a day.
2 Make an effort to ask others for help.
3 Have a conversation with friends, family or colleagues about the fact that you feel you say “yes” too often. Don’t dodge the issue.
4 Once you’ve plucked up the courage to say “no”, don’t make matters worse by second-guessing or overthinking it. Block out those “what if terrible things happen?” thoughts and they will eventually subside.
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