Man Accused of 'Ruining' the Holidays for Siblings After Placing Their Mother in a Long-Term Care Facility

A Reddit user is seeking advice after being called selfish for not singlehandedly arranging his ailing mother's holiday travel

After spending years caring for his mother, one man is being accused by his siblings of acting selfishly by placing their mom in a long-term care facility.

As detailed on Reddit in a thread asking if he's "ruining" the holidays, a man explains that he dropped out of his graduate program to care for his mother after she suffered a stroke and their father died. Since 2021, he’s been his mother’s primary caretaker, even organizing travel arrangements from New York to Virginia to ensure his mother could see his siblings for past holidays.

“Since January things with our mom became more stressful, increased memory issues, lack of sleep, and I was generally burnt out,” the man explains. “During this time my siblings did not offer any assistance.”

Related: Woman Refuses to Host Thanksgiving After Sister Hands Out ‘Family Code of Conduct’ Contract

As a result of her increased need for care, the man decided to look for a long-term care facility for his mother. Throughout the process, he claims he asked his siblings for input about where she should be placed.

“I even asked if they wanted mom closer ... one of them would have to look for a place near them since I could not tour a place in VA while still actively caring for our mom in NY. Also said if they don't want to look then one of them would have to watch our mom while I looked,” he writes in a comment.

As the 2024 holidays approached, the man was asked by his siblings if he’d bring their mother to visit in Virginia, and he declined.

Never miss a story — sign up for PEOPLE's free daily newsletter to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer​​, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. 

“I told them no I was not but if they wanted to take her they were 100% free to take her. I told them she is not in a prison and I did put them on the list for approved people to take her out,” he explains.

“They told me they could not do that it would be far too complicated,” he continues. “I told them that is unfortunate but I am going on vacation so I would not be available. Now all of a sudden I have everyone and their mother reaching out to me telling me how selfish and heartless I am being towards our mother.”

The man points out that it isn't just the travel he handles during these holiday gatherings; he is often the person tasked with taking care of their mom while on the road, too.

“I handled the sleepless nights, the wandering, the outbursts, the doctors appointments. I handled getting her Medicaid, I handled everything and put my life on hold to do so,” he writes of her recent care and needs. “They got to see the pleasant side of our mom and if she had an outburst I was the one that had to deal with it."

When he said as much to his siblings, his brother "said I should have asked for help. He claimed he figured I had it all handled and did not need help," he writes.

After the poster offered to pay for the travel and accommodations needed for his brother to oversee their mother’s holiday travels, the brother declined the arrangement and offered “excuses," the man adds.

Related: Woman's Mother-In-Law Uninvites Her From Thanksgiving — but When She Backtracks, the Drama Begins

“It is not our mom's fault she got sick. A part of me does feel like I am punishing her. I am just tried and burnt out,” the poster explains. “Caring for someone by yourself is exhausting and I was at a breaking point. I had to place our mom or I would have lost it.”

The comments on the Reddit post are decidedly on man's side, sympathizing with his situation.

“As someone who works in LTC, you did the right thing,” one commenter writes. “We see so much caregiver burn out… Your siblings suck. They’re the worst kinds of people, in my opinion. The type of people who refuse to acknowledge the stress their family member is experiencing. And who demonize placing a loved one in LTC.”

“Good for you for making the tough but good decision of what was best for you and your mom. Your right," another adds. "She’s their mom too if they wanted to help they would have done so without you having to ask."