Yahoo Lifestyle 15 Subtle Moments That Made People Realize Their "Nice, Normal Family" Was Actually Deeply Toxic
Note: the below story discusses emotional abuse, body dysmorphia, eating disorders, and self-harm.
Even though some people grow up in a family where everything feels normal, sometimes there is one moment in time when the truth of how things are actually handled comes to light. So when the BuzzFeed Community was asked: "Share the exact moment they realized their family was toxic," so many people shared their childhood stories. Here's what they said below:
1."When my Gram (my Mom’s mother who raised me) was in the ER, my Mom accused me of losing her living will. As the family searched, she told them I was careless, worthless, selfish, and a loser because it was with the paperwork I had. My husband and I searched for days. When Gram fortunately recovered, I apologized through tears for losing the living will. She said, 'Your Mom never showed up to take me to the lawyer to make it, so I don’t even have one.' After a heated voicemail to my Mom for throwing me under the bus for her negligence, I was done. I haven’t spoken to her in over five years, and I’m happier for it.
2."When I was a senior in high school, my mom moved me to another city and school. It was really challenging, but I made the best of it. A month into being at the school, I was nominated for homecoming queen. I ran home to tell her and she said, 'What? Did you already sleep with the football team?'"
3."I spent five years in a very unhealthy relationship. For the last two years, I've been really trying to heal. Just a few months ago, I realized that my family was using 'find my friends' to check where I was daily. I went on vacation and turned it off. My family freaked out. That’s when I realized I wasn’t only healing from my ex, but I also had to look more closely at other relationships in my life."
4."If I had to boil it down to a specific event: I was feeling sick and was napping on the couch, no big deal. When I was hazily waking up, I got to listen to my mom, brother, and sister talk all about how much they hated me, what a terrible, useless person I was, etc. etc. Luckily, I'd been napping with my face towards the back of the couch, so I just let some tears fall quietly and went back to sleep. I left home as soon as I possibly could at 17."
5."My family has always been toxic, but I really began to notice it when I was in middle school. I have a rare muscular disability, and one day, my knee dislocated. I don’t know what I did to make it happen, but I immediately pushed it back in on instinct. When I told my mom, she didn’t believe me. Forget the fact that I was limping around and in excruciating pain — she thought I was trying to get attention. It kept happening, and every time, my mom/family tried to get me to stop begging for the 'attention' I apparently craved. Finally, enough was enough, and the next time my knee dislocated, I forced myself not to push it back in and made my mom see that it was visibly out of place."
"She finally took me to see a doctor, and I now have permanent knee damage because of it. On another note, I was really depressed and suicidal growing up. I started talking about it because I needed help, but my mom told me that I had to stop telling people how I felt. It didn’t change my feelings; it just changed if I talked about them."
6."My only purpose in life was to serve my mother. I was brainwashed and conditioned before I could speak or understand. Getting away didn’t help me; I’m still completely broken, and it’s been years of therapy now. If you know the secret, please share. Because for some of us, it’s so ingrained that it ruins the rest of our lives."
7."Growing up, my sister had multiple power struggles with my father, some escalating to violence, running away, etc. I always just assumed it was because she was 'psychotic' because she was fairly abusive both verbally and physically to the rest of our family members as well. It only dawned on me later when I proudly informed my dad I was going to take the same university degree he always strived to get; he felt threatened and said in front of my whole family I wasn't smart enough to do it. I then reexamined my memories and realized my dad had been verbally abusive to my sister from the start, and she likely was acting out from her treatment. He used to come home and become furious if anyone else talked during family dinners. He despised all of my mom's friends because they took her attention. It fucks you up to realize your 'loving, protective' father was actually possessive and abusive."
8."When my mom stormed into my room (I was about 14/15) and said that would be the last time she ever spoke to me because I was the reason she and my dad were separating. When in reality, she had instigated the separation months prior and backpedaled when she realized she’d have to get a job to afford to live on her own. I’m now in my 30s and am finally processing the PTSD I had from that. Trauma is no joke. She has still never apologized. Working through it now so I can be a better mother for my own children."
9."My sister had traumatized me so much growing up that it was a relief when she moved away for college. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t terrified of being screamed at for existing. I would cry and go into a depression when breaks or holidays approached because I knew the abuse would start back up again upon her arrival. This continued into adulthood, where she would scream at me at family events or over the phone. The final straw was on Father’s Day two years ago. I had one son but had also just suffered a miscarriage. I was actively passing my baby, but my mom convinced me to go celebrate Father’s Day at the lake and have a calm, stress-free beach day."
"My sister showed up, and within five minutes, she screamed at us. I had never in my life stood up to her until that day — but I lost it.
On a public beach filled with people, I told her I wouldn’t be her victim anymore, and she would never see my children again because I wouldn’t let them grow up watching their aunt treat family members like trash. They would never think of this behavior as normal.
It’s been two years, and I’ve had a second son since. He had serious health scares that kept us in the hospital for two months, and when she reached out to me later, she said, 'Sorry about your son being sick; it just really hurt me that you told me I couldn’t see your kids anymore.' That’s when I knew she still only cared about herself."
10."My mom confirmed plans a month in advance to watch my 2-year-old daughter when I went into labor and to help for a week or so after the baby was born. Six days before my due date, she told me she had to go watch my brother’s 4-year-old kid (who is in part-time preschool) because my brother and SIL couldn’t/wouldn’t find anyone to watch him, and she told me to schedule a C-section because she has to leave. They all live several states away. We did not have a backup plan because it was in the middle of COVID, and we depended on her."
"My brother refused to try and find other childcare plans and told my husband, 'Get over it. It’s just a C-section.' So, we were forced to schedule a C-section (and never gave my body a chance to labor), rushed to get home from the hospital, and we had zero support while I recovered from surgery with a newborn and a toddler. What should have been the most exciting and joyful days of our lives was stolen, and I was forced into labor. I’m still recovering from the trauma."
—gmtw
11."I dealt with a lot of toxic behavior from my dad growing up. He always comments that I’m large and need to watch my weight. I spent four years in the military and had to get out due to back issues that will eventually need surgery to fix, so I was on quite a few medications to help the pain. The final straw was when I went to their home over the summer after I had gotten out for a family reunion and brought my boyfriend along so he could finally meet them. While we were there, my boyfriend was having a hard time with allergies and wanted to take a nap whenever they were hitting them hard."
"My dad made it a point to always comment on my weight whenever my boyfriend wasn’t in the room. If he happened to walk in while he was speaking, he would stop and start to joke as if he wasn’t saying anything hurtful. I asked my mother to speak to him because I was obviously sensitive about it, and she proceeded to say I needed to 'buck up.' Sure glad I traveled 26 hours by car to be called fat."
12."I can’t pinpoint any one moment — but I do know that I’m still struggling in my 30s with feelings of inadequacy and guilt, which my mother constantly feeds. She wants me to spend as much time with her as I possibly can, insisting that I’m her only source of joy, but when I’m there, she often speaks to me hurtfully and then gaslights me or makes fun of me when I express my hurt. In my logical mind, I know I need to set some boundaries and create some distance, but any time I try to set a boundary, she steamrolls me, and I tend to retreat and let the boundary be compromised. Sometimes, she’s kind, generous, and wonderful. Sometimes, I wish she would do just one big, awful thing to me so that I could feel justified to cut her out and set myself free from the emotional hurricane. Sometimes, I hate myself for not being strong enough to stand up for myself."
13."I’ve known this for a while. My mom used to chase me around the house, telling me I was worthless. When I told her I was getting a divorce, she told me I was nothing without a man. When I told my older sister, she sobbed and said, 'But… you… made… him… my… family!!' She was 40 at the time. My sister refuses to accept my new husband. Tells my dad I’m such a bitch and makes sure I’m not invited to family events. My parents know and tell me she’s toxic but allow her behavior. I have cut her off, and it feels AMAZING."
14."I started realizing how wrong it all was when I started spending time with my girlfriend’s family: Not having to walk on eggshells, watching your tongue and your posture. Dressing nice, etc. I could actually breathe. A selection of the things that happened: My entire family, especially on my mother's side, is all a bit off. A lot of religion and a 'don’t ask, don’t tell' mentality. When I, at the age of eight, was diagnosed with a chronic illness, that was all that mattered. As long as my illness was well-managed, everything was fine. At one point in my teens, I started cutting myself. Bad. When she found out, all she did was give me a lotion that supposedly helped with scar tissue reduction. Whenever we did something vaguely wrong, she would cry and ask why we did it to hurt her. She was manipulative like that."
"I would hurry home after school to clean the house, just to give her fewer reasons to be mad. When I was accepted into university, I called her excitedly, and she proceeded to call people she knew who worked in the field 30+ years ago and did tons of research, concluding with her giving me a 30-minute lecture on why I should drop out.
I moved out when I was 16; I couldn’t take it anymore. My older sister asked our mum why, and she told her it was because I despised them, and being with the family made me physically ill. She didn’t talk to me for a very long time, and I didn’t understand why... Until a few years ago when we sat down and talked about it. She now realizes how toxic our mom is. It just took her a bit longer.
In general, we don’t talk about things. Everything is perfect, and we don’t break that perfection by voicing our opinions. Politics is off the table at the house. Negative feelings and experiences are a no-go — unless you’re my mum. She is allowed to talk about how she’s now seeing a therapist, how she’s depressed and been diagnosed, etc. (Note: Her children have nothing to do with this. According to her, she did a great job)."
15.And finally, "I come from a very traumatizing childhood. One of the reasons why it was so traumatic was the silence around it was perpetuated by everybody, most especially by me and my siblings. That’s what nobody talks about. The fact that you’re in the situation, you don’t know that it’s not normal, you don’t know that you can talk to people, and at the same time, you know you feel stigmatized. It was like this dirty secret that if people knew about your home life, they wouldn’t like you. Not the parents who were abusing you. The feeling was that people would blame you for it and then hate you for it because you have to believe that the problem was you, not your parents. That’s what people don’t understand. It’s a very confusing situation to grow up in, especially when people don’t want there to even be a problem. You know why, right? It’s because if there IS a problem, you actually have to do something about it. That is why our system is the way it is."
—mkr
If you feel comfortable, please share with us the moment you realized your family was toxic in the comments below or this Google form here.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, you can call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) and find more resources here.
