Yahoo Lifestyle ‘I’m a Funeral Director—This Is the #1 Thing I Tell Everyone To Do When Planning a Funeral'
When a loved one dies, you have a lot on your mind. You're thinking about how much you miss them, what you wish you had done or said, who you need to notify and the details for their funeral, just to name a few things. And if you're deep in the trenches of grief, it's helpful to have important funeral planning tips handy from an expert.
Having a checklist can be a nice distraction from your grief, or it might feel stressful on top of everything else. Many logistics and costs need to be accounted for, all amid great hurt. You may not even know where or how to start, which is super understandable.
To make that process easier, an experienced funeral director compassionately shares his very best tips for funeral planning.
Related: 55 Celebration of Life Ideas to Honor Your Loved One
The #1 Thing To Remember When Planning a Funeral, According to a Funeral Director
When planning a funeral, you may worry about the “rules” you feel you “must” follow, or whether it looks like other funerals. You may also have disagreements with family members about how to honor the person. While that’s totally fair, it may not be the point.
“When someone has passed away, it is important to think about what the loved one would have wanted, and how they would have wanted them to be remembered,” says Caleb Klein, CFSP, a licensed funeral director for over 20 years. “Consider what they enjoyed most, what defined them and what made them the person they were.”
This is a way to show respect to the loved one who passed and may even help you grieve.
“A meaningful service is one that is personal to the individual and not just another funeral to attend,” Klein adds.
What does that look like in practice, though? Klein has lots of stories to help you brainstorm. He’s seen families honor the pilot in their lives by holding the service at the grounds of a local airport and watching planes take off. He’s attended funerals where everyone shared their deceased loved one’s favorite foods. He went to a comedian’s funeral where the family covered the casket with jokes written in Sharpie.
“Not every personal touch has to be elaborate,” he continues. “Some of the simplest gestures have been the most meaningful.”
Related: Gone but Not Forgotten—Honor Loved Ones With 100 Celebration of Life Poems
Funeral Planning Tips: 4 Other Important Things To Note
1. Know your options
While funerals can be religious or take place at a funeral home, they don’t have to. Funerals can be specialized and unique.
“It is possible to pay respect to a loved one in so many ways, from personalized ceremonies to celebrating life at a unique venue,” Klein says.
He’s seen people host funerals at country clubs and private residences, for example.
Related: Gone but Not Forgotten—Honor Loved Ones With 100 Celebration of Life Poems
2. Look further than the funeral service itself
Planning a funeral service is a lot logistically and emotionally—there’s no doubt about that. At the same time, paying attention to other aspects of mourning may be meaningful for you and others who are grieving.
“Consider mementos to send attendees home with, an immersive service that includes an activity or hobby that your loved one was passionate about, or a virtual gathering place where all the mourners who cannot make it to the funeral can post their messages,” Klein suggests. Bateman Allen Funeral Home has a list of examples of the latter.
As far as mementos, he’s seen attendees of a tattoo artist’s funeral sent home with temporary tattoos, and another funeral where the loved one’s extensive umbrella collection was dispersed among family and friends.
3. Consider cost versus meaning
Another common struggle of funerals is the cost. The average cost of a funeral is almost $8,000, according to the National Funeral Directors Association.
Klein wants to remind people that they can have a meaningful service that doesn’t cost more than they can afford or that is necessary.
“Rather than trying to put all the wishes of the deceased into the funeral, focus on those things that were most important in the person’s life,” he suggests.
Additionally, he recommends only buying items that you think will add value to this specific person’s funeral.
4. Professionals are available to help
Feeling overwhelmed by all of the considerations? Remember you and your family aren’t alone in this process. Klein encourages working with a funeral director or experienced officiant.
“This way, you are free to grieve and remember without having to worry about it,” he explains.
Related: 5 Stages of Grief To Expect After You’ve Experienced Loss, According to a Trauma Expert
3 Common Misconceptions About Planning Funerals
1. 'We have to decide everything immediately.'
Sometimes, funerals happen pretty quickly after the person passes. For this reason—and/or others—you may feel pressured to have the funeral ASAP.
But Klein says to not rush decisions if there’s no need to.
“The less time constraints you place on the event, the higher chance you will be able to make informed decisions that you will feel comfortable with,” he explains.
Remember to give yourself grace and compassion throughout this difficult process too.
2. 'Funerals must be traditional.'
Back to the point about funerals not needing to follow “rules,” they also don’t have to be traditional, Klein points out.
“There is no correct and wrong way to celebrate a person’s life,” he says. “You can blend tradition with modern aspects to make the service personal and fitting of your loved one’s wishes.”
3. 'A large funeral equals more love.'
It’s easy to believe that the person who passed and their family are more loved when tons of people attend the funeral, but that’s not always true or helpful.
“It is not the size that matters most,” Klein says. “A small gathering of friends and family can be every bit as significant as a large service.”
At the end of the day, a funeral is a time for people still living to get closure as they honor the life of the person who passed. Consider what you and your loved one need and would have liked, and don’t worry about fitting into any “mold” of what a funeral “should” look like.
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Caleb Klein, CFSP, a licensed funeral director and embalmer. He's also a certified Life Tribute Professional by InSight and a Certified Funeral Service Professional by the Academy of Professional Funeral Service Practice. He has an A.A.S. degree in Mortuary Science.
