By Deirdre Fidge
Friends, enemies, and all in between: we’ve all endured another Hump Day Love Island episode which always feels like such an intimate experience of rolling around in the garbage together.
Let’s wipe off the banana peels and recap.
Monday feels like a lifetime ago for Erin and Eden.
After their official coupling ceremony, which isn’t a thing by the way, the honeymoon phase is clearly over… DING DONG, there goes the fight alarm!
Anyhow, Erin supposedly catches sight of the $5 Lovisa bracelet Eden bought her and they make up.
Gang have bigger fish to fry: fish in the form of new men entering the house.
But before they arrive, some of the girls decide to torture the existing males by forcing them to endure a bootcamp, involving a lot of jumping and thrusting and Human Centipede-style crawling.
Time for some poolside goss.
Now that Jaxon (NOT HIS REAL NAME) has cycled away, Shelby confesses she’s keen on Dom, while also keeping her options open for the newbies.
But bouffant-headed Teddy tries to flirt by talking about hermit crabs.
Tragically, his tale is cut short by the excitable tingle of a text message.
Dom loses a bet which apparently means he has to smooch one of the ladies (whatever happened to the old-fashioned classic outcome of paying your winning opponent $20, or having to light yourself on fire?). Naturally he chooses Shelby.
Finally, date time has arrived! The chosen gals awkwardly sit on Kmart chairs in an abandoned street for a group date with the two new guys which is definitely what gets me in the mood for romance.
Their names are Mark and Corey, or Kark and Maurie, I was too busy screaming about their horrible Euro-trash white suits.
Kark is a model of course, and possibly a spokesperson for veneers.
Maurie the koncreter reveals he has his own business, as well as a daughter. He seems almost normal compared to some of the other poofy-haired pups we’re used to enduring.
The gals seem impressed – possibly just stunned by the blinding teeth – but what about the rest of the gang?
Shelby’s returned from the date keener than ever for Dom – that territorial marking seems to have worked a treat!
Kory and Mark play date swapsies with Mac and Millie in a modern-day Benny Hill skit. They all canoodle and chinwag about values and morals and then take selfies. Lord help us all.
WOOP WOOP WOOP! It’s the Monk Alarm! At long last, our queen Sophie has marched into the villa.
As always, the Fire Pit is hungry and needs broken hearts to sustain its energy. Who will Kark and Maurie choose?
Sophie then announces that Shelby must choose where to place her pillow for the evening… so to speak.
For some reason Shelby literally grabs her pillow and places it on the man of her choice. Is this normal? Is this a heterosexual tradition?
More new couples, even more blinding teeth, and only one week to go. Strap yourselves in friends – the countdown is on.
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