Kansas City Police Department Shares 'Professional Analyses' of Taylor Swift's Album 'Crimes'

Taylor Swift

On Friday, April 19, Taylor Swift released her 11th studio album, The Tortured Poets Department. Fans across the world tuned in to the 31-track surprise double album, including at least one employee at a police department near Kansas City. And Swifties can't get over the department's "professional analyses" of Swift's "crimes."

The Spring Hill Kansas Police Department official Facebook account declared, "We aren't 'listening to T. Swift at work.' in a lengthy post on Friday evening. "We are examining a musically interpreted anthology written by Dr. Taylor Alison Swift, seeking to glean profound wisdom to impart upon our audience, who, according to statistics, are also engaging with the same collection of melodic literature."

Track by track, the police department offered its analyses of TTPD "pertaining to public safety."

"1. Fortnight - 'I wanna kill her' - Murder is illegal," they pointed out, before responding to "throwing spikes in the road" from Track 2: "We can, you can't."

From Track 3, "My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys," the police department quoted Swift's lyrics, "Stole my tortured heart." They responded, "Theft is illegal. Torture is creepy... but also illegal."

The Spring Hill Police Department declared many other "crimes" mentioned in Swift's new album to be illegal, including arson, weed (in Kansas), crucifixion, the sale of counterfeit merchandise, heroin, stabbing, property damage and speeding.

For Track 28, "Peter," the poster reminded readers, "You have the right to remain silent," in response to Swift's lyrics, "And I won't confess."

Another gem from the post includes a quote from Track 23, "I Hate It Here": "'Now I seem to be scared to go outside' - Clearly not a song about Spring Hill. We work hard to keep it safe around here."

Similarly, the PD employee addressed Swift's lyrics, "So they filled my cell with snakes," from "Cassandra" by assuring residents, "There are no snakes at the Johnson County Detention Center, promise."

Next: Why Fans Think Taylor Swift's 'Tortured Poets Department' Song Is 'Definitely' About Matty Healy

They also urged folks, "Please do not stop CPR until you call 911 and EMS arrives on scene to take over, " to the lyrics, "I stopped CPR, after all, it's no use," from "So Long, London."

The poster ended their dissertation with, "Thanks for coming to our TayTalk. (p.s. you can listen to the 122-minute #TTPD album 5.9 times during a 12-hour shift.)"

In the comments, Swifties praised the Spring Hill Police Department for its creativity. One person declared, "Obsessed with whomever crafted this masterpiece of a post 🫶🤌."

Another Facebook user wrote, "'We can, you can’t' took me out 😂 ," while someone else commented, "This is the greatest post! Well done, you make us other Swifties proud🫶🫶🫶🫶."

Meanwhile, yet another person shared, "You deserve an award !! This wins the internet today 👏👏

Next: Taylor Swift's 'Fortnight' Music Video Easter Eggs Include 'Dead Poets Society' Cameos and More