“Trying to get pregnant is killing my relationship”

We all know the rules: sex without protection can lead to pregnancy. But ironically, after all those years of condoms and close calls, once you’re finally ready to procreate, as some couples discover, having a baby is incredibly hard (and heartbreaking) work

Bec*, 34, tells Yahoo7 Health how the process has affected her four-year relationship with husband, Ben*.

“We were so excited to start trying. When I first brought it up, Ben*, my husband, was surprised as I hadn’t mentioned kids before and assumed I wasn’t interested.

As soon as I said I wanted to try, the huge smile on his face said it all. I realised how much he wanted kids, but he hadn’t wanted to pressure me. I fell a little bit more in love with him in that moment.

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I hoped [falling pregnant] wouldn’t take long. I was healthy for my age and, much to Ben’s delight, a sperm test proved he too was healthy to conceive. He even high-fived the doctor!

As soon as we started trying for a baby there were issues. I had just gone off the pill and I wasn’t regular yet, so working out ovulation was near impossible. My doctor said I should start seeing signs in my body, but I didn’t.

We started having sex every day. We thought that would work and naturally, we’d fall pregnant.

But as we discovered there’s nothing fun about forced sex.

After a stressful day the physical effort of doing the deed literally squeezed the life out of our sex routine.

Unfairly, I began to blame Ben. He felt the pressure, which in turn made him less excited [to have sex]. Meanwhile I asked him not to tell anyone we were trying. I didn’t want to be known as the couple everyone talks about because they can’t get pregnant – the one we are now.

When Ben confided in a mate out of frustration several months later, I freaked out. He wanted to talk about it with someone other than me. After apologising he vowed not to talk about it to anyone. I felt terrible and emotional.

Right there I’d made pregnancy a thing in our relationship.
Ben begged me not to worry. He was hopeful that we’d fall [pregnant] soon, and didn’t want me to be stressed as that ‘wasn’t going to help’.

To make matters worse we were having less sex and more fights.

No sex, no baby – I knew that at a base level, but the situation felt helpless. I started retreating and became obsessed with fertility books, and baby forums. Babies were never far from my thoughts, especially when during the next six months a work friend had twins, two cousins fell pregnant accidently, and my closest friend got pregnant in her first month of trying. That one hurt the most.

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My friend was the only person I confided in. After she told me her pregnancy news she proceeded to complain for weeks about how she felt ‘sick, aching, and tired’. I was happy for her. But secretly, I would have given anything to feel sick because I was pregnant. And to be able to tell my husband that he was going to be a dad. I wanted that so much. And I wanted to repair my relationship and not feel pangs of jealously whenever I saw a family.

That was a year ago. And we’re still trying for a baby. It feels like it’s never going to happen – I wonder if the toll on my marriage is just too great.

One of our friends broke up with his wife recently because of the stress of infertility. I don’t want that to happen to us. Sure, we desperately want a family but maybe we’ll have to settle for life with a couple of dogs.

We’ll have to supplement our lives in other ways. It’ll be incredibly hard but there are many other people facing greater problems than us.

I want children but I want my husband more”.

• Names have been changed.