Our guide to the Love Island application

Do you have the smile, sex appeal and sass it takes to be on Love Island?

How do you feel about enjoying your very own long hot summer of romance?

If you’re anything like me, you probably feel a bit stressed and sweaty-palmed at both the long hot summer of romance bit, and the contemplation of your relative sex appeal.

These are, however, the big questions you gotta face if you, like me, are staring down the barrel of the Love Island application, which is now open for any daring lonely hearts.

To dish the dirt and save you the trouble, I decided to get back on the horse by applying for myself.

In keeping with previous applications we’ve submitted, it left me feeling a little raw and very exposed.

Here’s where it kicks off:

The home page dives straight into it with the aforementioned questions plus BIG promises regarding ‘spectacular luxury villas’ that had me hooked straight away.

From the top of the page gazes Sophie Monk dressed as a sexy pilot, and she will be our proverbial guardian angel watching over the whole process until the very bitter end.

Her presence was somehow both comforting and disconcerting; I was planning on veering from the truth for the sake of the lols, but her guiding eyes kept me mainly, mostly on the straight and narrow.

Here’s where it stays (mainly) basic:

Starting off it’s a fairly basic information page.

They’re looking for you name, your age, your address, and the naming rights of your firstborn.

I’m joking about the last bit, but the producers are keen for a social media sticky beak and in a bid to stalk the living hell out of a potential contestant demand social media handles as a part of your basic info.

Now this posed a slight problem for me; my Instagram followers to followed ratio does not skew in my favour, and my feed is mainly images of me doing boring things like hanging with my nieces.

Not very reality-star worthy, so I told a little white lie:

I may not have been completely honest here. I’m sorry Sophie, but I need the producers to at least get to page two.

There’s also a spot for a producer’s code which – if real – is something I definitely need to see.

I leave it blank so as not to anger them.

Here’s where it get’s spicy:

Aaaand we’re on to page two. Giddy up, because this is where it gets spicy.

So they kick right into it asking for a hypothetical dating profile for yourself, and general info about you including hobbies.

I decided to go super honest while also playing to the crowd, I still felt guilty about the Instagram porky thanks to Sophie, but I needed to show them my potential.

… like putty in my hands.

They then asked for a description of my ideal partner including any ‘deal breakers’ and while I just wanted to put a detailed description of Mike from MAFS, I decided I should give them more to work with.

Here’s where you air your skeletons:

When they begin to dig into your past, things started getting up close and personal.

When it comes to past relationships these producers want receipts; estimated length, start date, finish date, photographic and/or DNA evidence.

I decided to get candid with them, while also dropping a hint for a potential sad backstory that could play in my favour:

There was also a question about previous TV appearances which, as a former child star, I felt compelled to come clean on:

Here’s where you sell yourself:

Then they ask why someone would want to date you, which is a ridiculous question because I have absolutely no idea.

I took a stab in the dark, based off feedback I have received in the past:

They also ask which previous contestant you would date and as a non-watcher up until now, I decided to keep things open ended:

Now THIS is red-hot; they want to know if you have a secret crush and his Instagram handle. This is the dirt I came here to dig.

While Love Island’s producer’s recover from being official #sprung, I thought I would nudge them in a ratings-boosting direction, and do Sophie pride by telling the damn truth.

You’re welcome, producers.

Finally they come out and say it bluntly: why you?

Why indeed? This application is beginning to feel like a particularly terrible Tinder date, but I’m here as a whistleblower so I have to play to their tune:

And finally they want to know if you vlog, which put me in an ethical pickle as I had to stick with my porky re: Instagram followers and further bury myself in this lie.

What a tangled web we weave:

Then we’re on to the visuals, but with no image on hand of myself looking tropical and Love Island-esque I went for an artist’s rendering of my likeness.

With that my application was submitted.

There was no mention of the length of shooting or commitments, but I’m sure they’ll let me know when I’m contacted for the next round.

Watch this space because love could be on the horizon; me and Sophie have a date with destiny.

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