The Funniest Tweets From Women This Week (Sept. 14-20)

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

— Hannah Al-Othman (@HannahAlOthman) September 16, 2024

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE

2ND ROUND INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE

ZOOM INTERVIEW WITH THE TEAM WITH THE VAMPIRE

WE HAVE DECIDED TO PURSUE ANOTHER CANDIDATE BUT WILL KEEP YOU IN MIND IF FUTURE POSITIONS OPEN UP WITH THE VAMPIRE

— Sévérine Cox (@Le_Severine_Cox) September 16, 2024

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

— gabriella (@000011111111_) September 16, 2024

This might be controversial, but I think we've invented enough mascaras.

— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) September 16, 2024

me filling out a captcha: well, there is a sliver of bicycle wheel in that square. and yet, the general notion of the bicycle is complete without the contents of that square, which is mostly pavement. is it dishonest to not click the square? or too obsessive to include it?

— merritt k (@merrittk) September 18, 2024

imagine how amelia bedelia would serve you bottomless mimosas at brunch.

— .:RiotGrlErin:. (@RiotGrlErin) September 15, 2024

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) September 17, 2024

when you can’t remember if you took your meds so you start opening the pill bottle to see if the experience feels familiar enough to have happened recently

— latke (@latkedelrey) September 17, 2024

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

— taylor garron (@taylorgarron) September 17, 2024

Spotify opened at work and I forgot my air pods at home and Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy (1941) began to play on max volume I'd rather it have been porn they're calling me Gladys

— McErin☘️ (@colleen_eileen) September 18, 2024

You don’t realize how little self control you have until you’re eating chips and salsa at a Mexican restaurant

— Shannon (@gardengirl125) September 15, 2024

So obsessed with that couple who thinks they have telekinesis because they can make a thin piece of aluminum foil move with a gust of wind from swift hand motions

— Mama Z (@mamaztheguru) September 16, 2024

I'm sitting next to a Lincoln impersonator at the airport bar. He's watching MSNBC reporting on yesterday's assassination attempt. This is easily the most surreal thing I've ever witnessed. pic.twitter.com/8g0yj8FYJr

— Abby Olcese (@abbyolcese) September 16, 2024

last night i was standing outside a bar bc i needed a breather and a guy came up to me and offered a cig and i said how do you know i smoke and he said i've given you cigs on two different occasions where you've cried outside this bar and talked to me about your ex lmfao

— lauren ♈️ (@cruellittlecat) September 15, 2024

If you can’t Then you don’t
handle me deserve me
at my at my pic.twitter.com/L7BdJPEGAe

— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) September 16, 2024

u guys ever watch like 80% of a show then for no reason just stop watching and don’t think about it for years or is it just me

— ⸆⸉ heeba (@cowboylikeheeba) September 15, 2024

me with random girls i meet at concert queues https://t.co/EkVGxho4Y8

— burcu 🤍 (@thatsoburcu) September 16, 2024

my dad said the word “frogger” and i cut him off to go “i hardly know her” and he sighed big and went “just…stop. stop it. what would it mean to frog a woman”

— meredith 🍉 (@dietz_meredith) September 17, 2024

This is honestly my dream relationship I love shit like this can you imagine how annoyed their friends are https://t.co/4GuDHuxBfb

— meg “Yooper” bitchell (@MeganBitchell) September 15, 2024

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

— nash flynn (@itsnashflynn) September 16, 2024

at the concert when they went offstage for the encore the girl next to me turned to her friend and said “they’re gonna leave and trick us into thinking they’re not coming back but they will. it’s a tiktok trend” pic.twitter.com/fQ1ZtyAE6x

— g (@gilleafs) September 16, 2024

you will really know if you love a man the first time you see him with a cold. he is going to act like he has been shot. if you find it cute, you’re in love. if you want to shoot him yourself, better luck next time

— ellie schnitt! (@holy_schnitt) September 18, 2024

unemployed people be like today i’m working on my gut microbiome

— nicola 🍒 (@prvdanic) September 16, 2024

my apologies to the school bus full of children that just watched me have what they probably think is a verbal altercation via cellphone, but it was just the bridge to the smallest man whoever lived.

when yous get bigger, you'll understand okay.

— C O U R T N E Y (@icourtneycries) September 17, 2024

i love that robert pattinson is the best actor of his time but also clearly possessed by the spirit of a lobotomized court jester from 1340's austria. duality!

— hot girl midsommar (@verymimi) September 18, 2024

Highkey love women who use a lot of explanation points in their work emails. Like yes ma’am let me know you’re friendly and a little anxious!

— Danielle✨ (@folksyswift) September 17, 2024

it’s so funny seeing steve martin everywhere bc all i can think about is how my dad refuses to watch any of his movies because my mom fucked him before they met

— bailey moon (@Baileymoon15) September 17, 2024

Every day I wake up and there’s something else that I really wanna buy that’s $120

— Caroline (@weirdassfishes) September 17, 2024

they look like proud parents posing with their theater kid after her play before heading off to dinner at a local red lobster pic.twitter.com/6Ij5UvVkQ7

— sona (@swiftlydunphy) September 17, 2024

Why after a Pap smear they be like ima step out so you can get dressed. You done already seen everything I had to offer🤣🤣

— Big Boss V 💰 (@BigBossVette) September 18, 2024

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

— jen merritt!!! (@jennifermerr) September 18, 2024

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

— cardinal copium (@emotionalpedant) September 17, 2024

The three genders pic.twitter.com/219p0jk3rK

— Ashley (@warnadud3) September 16, 2024

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

— megan (@chismosavirus) September 19, 2024

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

— regan (@unclehaver) September 18, 2024

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can't both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

— anica (@anicacihla) September 19, 2024

fire department barged into my apartment due to a suspected gas leak (with so much urgency i started shaking) and then they lost their shit when they opened my oven to see this one singular cookie on the tray (i always do a test cookie when trying a new recipe for the first time) pic.twitter.com/fKqVFoVFVp

— 💌 lottie ! 💌 (@toothfairyfemme) September 18, 2024

now every time something mildly annoying happens i mumble ‘will momtok even survive this?’

— jamie loftus 🌭 (@jamieloftusHELP) September 17, 2024

Randomly remembered that someone included ‘ability to forgive & forget easily’ as a skill on their CV. 😅

— HR Sis (@seyithemie) September 19, 2024