Filip Bondy: Introducing a new way to rank the US Open … the ’24 Popularity Poll

NEW YORK — The US Open desperately needs a new seeding system. Who cares about wins, losses and ranking points? What we really want to know: How much fun would these players be at a party?

Lucky for you, we have devised a better algorithm. Taking our cue from the teeming tennis tourists at Flushing Meadows, we restlessly roamed the main stadiums and side courts at the National Tennis Center, observing players and fan activities. We noted crowd size and enthusiasm. Who filled the seats? Who bored us to tears? Who will be the next Nick Kyrgios?

Our concentration span was appropriately short. We watched each match for no more than fifteen minutes. We drank absurdly expensive cocktails and ate ridiculously overpriced ice cream.

In the end, we offer a ranking system far more relevant than any ATP or WTA listing: the Popularity Poll, spawned from the perspectives and prejudices of spectators.

While we can’t include everyone or everything, here is a sampling.

— No. 1. Coco Gauff — We love Coco, our favorite. We cheer for Coco. She needs to stop obsessing over a few online trolls. “I know it comes just out of a sense of maybe hatred or jealousy,” she says. Nobody cares about them, Coco. Just sign our oversized tennis balls, and work on that forehand.

— 2. Carlos Alcaraz — Tennis of Roger Federer, mojo of Ryan Reynolds. He actually smiles during matches, which means he likes us a lot and probably wants to hang out at our house after the match. “He’s like a little kid out there,” says Thanasi Kokkainakis, after knocking off Stefanos Tsitsipas. “Massive smiles. Haven’t seen someone play with such joy.” Alcaraz drinks pickle juice to beat the cramps. Meanwhile, we are busy drinking …

— 7. Honey Deuce — We always plan to get sick drunk at the US Open, because there are too many bars and we have too little self-discipline. … Tequila Club, Grey Goose Bar, Baseline Cocktails, Racquet Bar, The Open Bar, Terrace Bar. … Honey Deuce is the official cocktail of the Open, and it does the job. YOPO (you only puke once).

— 9. Naomi Osaka — She used to be really, really good, and she still looks good enough to win this tournament. She’s become a proud, happy mother, who rocks her baby to sleep on the eve of matches. Chris Evert worries about that: “Sometimes when you’re too happy, that can’t always be good.” Evert is such a great cynic. She was right behind Jimbo in our Popularity Poll during the ‘70s.

— 12. Iga Swiatek — Usually wins so quickly we don’t have time to get ice cream. In the first round, though, she required more time on the court. So, we enjoyed …

— 13. Getting ice cream — The vendors change, but the basic idea remains the same. We buy ice cream, bring it into the stands, take too long to get back into our seat, and drip stuff all over the person sitting next to us. Good way to make new friends.

— 17. Frances Tiafoe — Great back story, if we remember right. Something about a dad working at a tennis club. Seems confident enough. He does really well here at the Open, which is the only tournament we care about.

— 20. Ben Shelton — He served one up at 153 mph at Wimbledon, which would look even faster in kilometers. Trotted out a hang-up-the-phone gesture after victories, which made us laugh at those pathetic losers. Dresses funny. Has wise-aleck appeal.

— 21. Talking whenever we want — We love to engage in meaningless conversation during points. Louder the better. Even louder at night. We hear they don’t do that at Wimbledon. Their loss.

— 28. Danielle Collins — She was defeated Tuesday in her last US Open and then said weird things: “I’ve struggled with feeling guilt around success. I’ve gotten enough attention to last a lifetime.” We feel bad for self-reflective types, even though we are not among them.

— 36. Caroline Wozniacki — She had us the moment her racket got stuck in her ponytail.

— 43. Novak Djokovic — Greatest player in the history of the sport and a real drag — unless you’re from Belgrade. His five-set matches feel longer than an election cycle. Bounces the ball too much before he serves. Waits for the other guy to make a mistake. Beats too many players we like better than him. Hates it when we root against him, so we root against him.

— 48. Taylor Fritz — Needs to change his first name, because it’s already taken. Has a social media influencer, Morgan Riddle, as a girlfriend who tends to outshine him from the player’s box. We like her more than we like him. If he wasn’t American, we’d drop him even further down this list.

— 53. Jessica Pegula — Can’t win a major. She gains sympathy points for that. But she dumped her likable coach, David Witt. Not nice. Was the only top U.S. player with a billionaire, Republican-funder for a father. Now, though, there’s also Emma Navarro.

— 56. Daniil Medvedev — Ex-champ likes to play the bad guy during matches. In return, we play the jeering crowd.

— 57. Aryna Sabalenka — She’s actually a lot of fun, but we can’t stand those awful, shrieky grunts on every point. She’s quite tall, which makes her look like a bully when she plays Jasmine Paolini. Also, she’s from one of those countries that doesn’t get to show its flag. Ick.

— 78. Elena Rybakina — Utterly expressionless on the court. Never acknowledges us in the stands. Unbeatable in any can’t-make-me-smile contest.

— 82. Jannik Sinner — Ranked No. 1 in the world on lists that don’t matter as much as this one. With a surname like that, it’s hard to claim innocence over a positive steroid test. His tennis is extraordinary, yet somehow doesn’t excite us. Anna Kalinskaya of Russia is dating him after once dating bad-boy Kyrgios. Two unforced errors?

— 356. Alex Zverev — He automatically fell to the bottom of our rankings, after his ex-girlfriends accused him of domestic abuse.

He does not get an invite to the party.

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Filip Bondy is a freelance reporter.