Yahoo Lifestyle What Is ‘Eldest Daughter Syndrome?’ 11 Signs To Look For, According to Psychologists
The Internet has been abuzz with a term called "eldest daughter syndrome." Interestingly, you won't be able to find it if you pour through the DSM-5, which provides diagnostic criteria for mental health conditions. Ditto for medical journals.
However, that doesn't mean "eldest daughter syndrome" isn't an experience.
"While eldest daughter syndrome (or EDS) is not a mental health diagnosis, it is a term used to describe the unique characteristics that the oldest daughter in a family may have related to responsibilities, challenges and expectations," explains Dr. Denitrea Vaughan, Psy.D., and LPC-Supervisor of Thriveworks.
Understanding the common signs of eldest daughter syndrome (EDS) is critical for healing (and harnessing some of its positive aspects for good).
"We have to know when to use these traits because they are an asset and when to let go... [of] old patterns because they've become toxic to us and others," says Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP, a psychologist with Veritas Psychology Partners.
To help, psychologists share 11 signs of eldest daughter syndrome and the number one tip to start your healing journey.
Related: 13 Things People With High Social Intelligence Often Say, According to Psychologists
What Is Eldest Daughter Syndrome?
As mentioned above, EDS isn't an official mental illness personality disorder.
"Eldest daughter syndrome is not a syndrome or diagnosis at all," Dr. MacBride says. "It is a pattern that we have noticed that most often occurs in the oldest daughter of a family. This term is a way we describe the experiences and challenges that can be unique to the eldest female child in a family."
She explains that the childhood experience of someone with eldest daughter syndrome can include:
Being given extra responsibilities,
Feeling as though people place high expectations on you
Feeling like your role in the family is to keep everyone else happy
If phrases like, "You're the oldest, you should know better," or "Set a better example for your younger sibling," were a part of your childhood soundtrack, you might have developed "eldest daughter syndrome."
"Sometimes, families need the oldest to be more self-sufficient because there are younger siblings to take care of and other times it becomes the job of the oldest to help take care of those younger than themselves," Dr. MacBride says.
However, the weight of it all can take a toll and manifest as telltale signs of eldest daughter syndrome.
Related: What Your Sibling Birth Order Reveals About Your Love Language, According to Psychologists
11 Signs of Eldest Daughter Syndrome, According to Psychologists
1. You have an intense feeling of responsibility
Adults plant the seeds for this one early in their eldest daughter by giving them more tasks within the home than other children, such as cleaning, cooking or caring for younger siblings.
"As a result, from a young age they are accustomed to having more responsibility than other people of a similar age or within their family," explains Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "In adulthood, this tends to remain consistent with feeling intense responsibility over everything in the home and over others "
Related: What Your Sibling Birth Order Reveals About Your Personality Traits (Even if You're an Only Child)
2. You have a Type A personality
Not everyone with EDS will have a Type A personality; Dr. Goldman says many people who aren't eldest daughters have Type A personalities. Still, she says the qualities of eldest daughters and Type A personalities frequently overlap.
"Eldest daughters can be quite organized and driven," she shares. "They get a lot accomplished. This is because they were raised in homes where they had tasks to complete in addition to their own homework. There is a need for the organization of younger siblings to ensure everything gets done correctly. In adulthood, this can mimic organization but also can lead towards rigidity."
3. You struggle to decompress
The idea that "rest is productive" is challenging for people with eldest daughter syndrome to get behind.
"Rest can seem indulgent, even anxiety-creating," says Dr. Caitlin Slavens, BAACS, MC, R Psych, a psychologist, family, perinatal & child psychologist at Couples to Cradles. "You’re so conditioned to be productive or 'on' all the time that not doing anything feels alien or like you’re letting down some invisible standard."
Dr. Slavens says people with eldest daughter syndrome were often conditioned to put everyone else first, so they struggle to prioritize their own needs—including all-important rest—as adults.
4. You're a perfectionist
Speaking of invisible (and impossible) standards: Perfectionism struggles are real in people with EDS.
"You were raised on the unspoken—or spoken—requirement that you needed to be the 'good example,'" Dr. Slavens says. "Mistakes may be abhorrent to you now because they represent a serious violation of your internalized need to be a high achiever."
5. You display people-pleasing behaviors
Dr. Goldman says eldest daughters are known for agreeing with what their parents want.
"If they were told to do something, they complied," she explains. "As a result, they are accustomed to pleasing other people and being focused on the needs of other people. This can be problematic in adult relationships because pleasing people can lead to being taken advantage of and exploited in relationships."
Related: Individuals Who Grew Up as 'People-Pleasers' Usually Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
6. There's discomfort with conflict
Dr. Slavens says that eldest daughter syndrome sufferers may find conflict more uncomfortable than the average person.
"As the oldest child, you might have been the peacekeeper in the family, trying to smooth over tensions between siblings—or between parents," she explains. "As a result, you may be conflict-avoidant or struggle with speaking up for yourself in relationships."
7. You struggle in relationships with people your age
Eldest daughters grow up fast because that's the expectation. This can affect relationships in adulthood.
"The eldest daughter may struggle with relationships of the same age due to her advanced maturity," Dr. Vaughan says. "Being more of the caretaker and presenting in a more mothering role to her siblings may transfer to her peers and friends."
It can be a point of friction in these relationships.
"Peers and friends can be turned off by this at times, especially if they already have an overbearing or overprotective parent or mother and may not be seeking this kind of interaction in their friendships," she explains.
8. You find some emotions difficult to deal with
Oldest daughters may have learned that suppressing anger, sadness or frustration was "good." Dr. MacBride points out that these emotions aren't just challenging for children. Adult caregivers may feel uncomfortable helping their oldest daughter learn to soothe. She points to Elsa from Disney's Frozen as an example: "Conceal, don't feel."
"It's a classic example of an oldest daughter taking on a role that is much too expansive and, in order to accomplish what she sees as her mandate, she has to suppress her own emotions," Dr. MacBride says.
9. You have resentment
The emotional suppression, the extra work and all the unrealistic and disproportionate relationships can build up and trigger resentment.
"After a lifetime of comparing herself to the rest of the family and seeing what appears to be unfair treatment or expectations, an eldest daughter may become resentful about the disparity in expectations," Dr. MacBride says. "She may even struggle with her own previous conformity to these expectations. Eldest daughters may continue to try to meet those expectations, all the while being unhappy about 'having' to do it."
10. You have high anxiety
High anxiety can present in several ways.
"This can range from a constant but nagging 'neurotic' level of anxiety to full-on Generalized Anxiety Disorder or even panic disorder," Dr. MacBride warns. "These people can be driven by the constant worry about the well-being of others. They are often focused on things outside their control, and worry becomes a substitute for that control."
11. You experience burnout
If all of the above sounds exhausting, that's because it is. It's also a recipe for burnout.
"Burnout can be a sign of EDS due to overachieving and not setting boundaries because of the need to care for everybody else," Dr. Vaughan says. "They tend to put everyone before themselves, which typically means they lack self-care."
Related: 6 Inner Child Wounds That Affect Adult Relationships, According to a Psychologist
The #1 Tip for People With Eldest Daughter Syndrome
"The No. 1 tip for healing the eldest daughter is putting self-care first and setting and maintaining boundaries with family," Dr. Vaughan says. "Being the best version of ourselves makes us the best person for others."
It won't be easy, so Dr. Slavens suggests starting small.
"Say no to something not aligned with your priorities, delegate something and take a day for yourself—even if it seems indulgent," she recommends.
Why does this help?
"Setting boundaries protects your energy and mental health and then disciplines those around you into knowing you’re not only available to be their designated caretaker," she continues. "It isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. As you start saying, 'No,' when you don’t want to do a particular thing, you’ll be making space for yourself—your needs, your joy, your growth."
Up Next:
Sources:
Dr. Denitrea Vaughan, Psy.D., and LPC-Supervisor of Thriveworks
Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP, a psychologist with Veritas Psychology Partners
Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
Dr. Caitlin Slavens, BAACS, MC, R Psych, a psychologist, family, perinatal & child psychologist at Couples to Cradles.
