Yahoo Lifestyle 17 "Hardest Parts" Of Marriage That No One Talks About, According To Divorced Women
Warning: This post contains mentions of abuse.
We recently wrote a post where married women revealed the "hardest parts" of marriage that no one talks about. In the comments, divorced women shared their own perspectives about the difficulties of marriage, and some of these are gut-wrenching. Here's what they had to say:
1."The loneliness. I had this fantasy that I would no longer be lonely once I was married. WRONG! In fact, loneliness during marriage is almost worse than the loneliness I've experienced since I dumped my horrible, mean, cheating husband. I almost married once more but came to my senses. I've been single for the past 34 years. I got a home repair guide and learned how to fix things myself, but my neighbor guys were also helpful. Be brave!"
"Lived in France. Lived in Italy. I do what I want. Watch what I want. Eat when I want. I clean, or not, when I want. It's glorious! I'm fabulously happy these days. Not lonely at all! Got lots of friends, women and men. If you're lonely, get a dog! LOL. It's not easy; you need a strong spine and spirit. But I wouldn't have it any other way."
—72, Oregon
2."My ex kept a clean house and was an excellent cook. I was smitten and thought I had found my soulmate. However, the moment that ring was on my finger, I became his personal maid. I deeply resented his clothing strewn around the house because cleaning was 'women's work' after the wedding."
3."The hardest part about being married is becoming unmarried. Processing the loss of who I am or was as a wife and mother during and after the divorce has been the biggest thing I've had to endure. I thought my marriage was perfect; we never fought. I had dinner on the table. I smiled."
"I had a hard time figuring out my work-life balance but always tuned in to focus on my family. I mourn who I thought I was and don't know who I am."
—Anonymous, 48
4."I am still friends with my ex, but we are on different pages for sure now — mainly related to responsibilities. And when you have children, you need to be on point and not leave more for the other; it's been more than 15 years, and he still hasn't gotten it together."
5."Reflecting on my short-lived marriage, I've come to understand that one of the most challenging aspects of marriage is recognizing the signs of falling out of love. Towards the end of my relationship, I realized my happiness was tied to being apart from my partner. His emotional and mental impact on me was draining, leading me to the revelation that I am happier on my own."
"This realization, often left unspoken, marks a significant shift from a once passionate love to a sense of disdain. It's a gradual process that can be difficult to comprehend, especially when triggered by a profound betrayal, like having a child out of wedlock while engaged, only to discover the truth months after marriage. The experience of falling out of love has been both distressing and empowering for me. It has prompted a reassessment of my role in the marriage and a realization that I do not want to emulate the dynamics I witnessed in my parents' relationship. While I envision marriage in the future, I am firm in my resolve not to tolerate any disrespect. Now, as a woman who has walked away from that relationship, I can see how I inadvertently allowed certain behaviors to persist. I have gained a deeper understanding of myself, recognizing that I deserve to be treated with respect and genuine love in any future relationship."
—Anonymous, Florida
6."We need to have healthy boundaries. Yes, we take vows. And yes, there are ups and downs in any marriage. Marriage is a day-to-day work in place. I was married for 17 years. I wish that I had been braver than I was. I wish that I had known my worth. I felt taken for granted for much of the time. I was no more than a scholarship fund, a maid, a cook, etc. Make sure you are making yourself happy in a marriage or leave with your dignity and conscience in place."
"Make sure your wants and needs are being fulfilled. Be the master of your future. Never depend on anyone but yourself. Be kind to yourself and others. Demand respect and kindness from others as well. Never tolerate abuse!"
—58, Georgia
7."No one tells you that marriage is not about love and that walking away is okay. I was married young, 24, and had been with my then-husband for eight years before we became engaged and married. No, he never hit me, he never cussed me out, but he did financially and emotionally abuse me. I dealt with that for six years, even going to therapy because I thought I was the problem. Then, one day, literally a week after our anniversary, I snapped and decided I was done."
"No one tells you that when your partner is intentionally hurting you in any way, they broke the vows first. I had stayed because I thought I was the problem when, really, it was him, too."
8."I outgrew my first, 10-years-older husband, whom I married at age 19, by the time I was 29. He never grew up beyond his own extremely immature age of 29 when he met me. I did. We lost our first-born to a bacterial disease at age two. Then, we welcomed three more babies after. My ex completely abandoned us and never came home, while I felt like I was in child-rearing and full-time-work trenches."
"Well! He married his perfect, perfect queen the third time around! A second-grade teacher with no children herself! Truly a miracle — she raised him from a baby to a boy to almost a man now. He has become his children's HERO now. And while I resent what he did so many years ago, I can't argue about how happy my grown children are now. I'm glad I didn't ever blurt out, 'But wait! He abandoned us!'
9."I was married for 19 years of 22 together, and I'm now in a loving, supportive relationship for two years. The hardest part of any close relationship is accepting and communicating that you might not always be on the same page — even if your goals are the same. My ex and I used to let everything fester for days/weeks and sometimes never really talk about it. Then, we would have a blowup, and nothing would get solved."
"Now, my boyfriend and I have communicated what needs to happen when we are upset; I need to go for a walk to sort my thoughts, and he needs to dive into a project. We give ourselves a couple of hours to think, and then, we come together and talk, not argue, and resolve or make a plan to resolve. If it's close to bedtime, we hug, hold hands in bed, and agree to talk the next day. Advice: Don't nag, get defensive, or be aggressive with your opinions and expectations. Put yourself in the other person's shoes, treat them respectfully, like someone at work, and seek to understand."
10."I wish that my parents had told me to work out any problems we had and to talk freely without fooling around because the grass is not greener on the other side. I was married to a great guy, but he seemed uninterested in me — but he did a lot for me and us regarding household and outdoor chores. He was a cop and didn't make enough money, and I was the breadwinner being a CPA. Well, I had an affair, and we ended up in a divorce. I fooled around with a married man, and he left his wife and children, and we started a new life."
"We have two children and now, I'm regretting it. My ex bought the house we purchased together and has made an extension, and he remarried. My current husband is 71, and I'm 62. We are still working, and my ex is 60 and has been retired for a while now. I believe his current wife is younger than him. and she's also retired. From a mutual friend, I heard they travel every year and their daughters are talented, smart, and graduated college a year early."
—62, Hawaii
11."There will be hard times — it's not all rainbows and unicorns. I learned not to ask everyone else what they'd do in XYZ situation. Don't ask mom, your girlfriend group text, and especially not Facebook groups and your already divorced friends. When you're having issues, grab your partner, turn your phones off, and talk!!! Or, go for a drive together, or whatever works for y'all, and just freaking talk: no games, no hints, no passive-aggressive BS. Be open, ask direct questions, and explain EXACTLY how you feel AND why. It will get you SO much further with men."
"You're going to grow and change, especially if you get married young — it's a lot of work, a lot of compromise, and it's not easy. But if that's your person, you will figure it out if you don't let society get in the way! Also, there are no rash decisions. Think about it. Sleep on it.
Signed, divorced, and remarried to the SAME man, approaching 16 years together."
—37, Alabama
12."When I first started dating my husband, he picked me up in all kinds of expensive exotic cars and took me to these fancy restaurants. He then took me on an awesome trip to Hawaii where he asked me to marry him, and I was so excited and said yes! It was a complete shocker when we returned; I found out that he painted cars for a living and he was broke. The fancy cars I thought he owned belonged to his customers at the paint shop he worked for."
"I was really angry. Then, he left me for another woman. In the end, he couldn't even afford spousal support, if you can believe that! Next time I get involved, I'll be sure to check financial records first. I won't be taken advantage of ever again. It sucks so bad."
13."I have been married for 20 years and finally divorced. The marriage left me traumatized, and I now suffer from anxiety. I look back and think about how I survived this horrible marriage. Nobody told me how to deal with this kind of person. My husband was all loving and hiding his true self for 10 years. There were lots of red flags, though, which I overlooked because I was busy with my career and the kids, only to realize after I was mentally affected, and my wellbeing was at risk."
"There were lots of Issues due to him not dealing with the past traumatic events of his life. He was controlling, manipulated me for years, and treated me like a servant in replacement of the mother he never had. He wanted a mother, not a wife. l lost my confidence completely, and he wouldn't let me leave as he suffered from past separation issues he wouldn't get over as a child. I wish I had known about his past trauma before marrying him. It might have saved me a great deal of stress that I had to endure after."
—49, Australia
14."That your partner will hold in inner childhood trauma throughout the whole relationship/marriage to the point of one day imploding. We have been together for 11 years in what I thought was a beautiful marriage. However, in the last year and a half, I noticed how my husband behaved distantly and was short with conversations. I kept on asking him if everything was okay, and he would always say, 'Yeah, I'm fine, do his normal 'I love yous,' but his actions weren't matching his words. He kept his feelings bottled up to the point that one day, when a death in a family occurred, it completely changed him. He began targeting me as an issue for everything in the past, and I sat there confused as to why he never told me how he felt at that time of the marriage. We are currently separated, he wants a divorce, and he has completely shut down and will not communicate with me."
"Even when I try to discuss our marriage, he stonewalls me to the point where I feel defeated because I love him so much. It's essential in marriage to tell your partner how you are feeling about something, rather than holding it in and not communicating because they either don't want to look like the bad guy, they don't want to look weak for needing something, or they are fearful of being dismissed for their need. Men (and others) need to learn to communicate feelings and needs. Marriage is a commitment, and couples need to be able to communicate within a marriage to grow alongside each other effectively. Plus, it is very important to identify each other's attachment styles and love language and continue checking in with each other about their feelings. Everyone: Do not be afraid to tell your loved one how you feel. It's not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength!"
—34, Illinois
15."[Having different goals.] I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother with lots of kids. That was my dream, but my husband didn't understand it. I was grateful that we had five beautiful kids together. However, due to shaky finances and my husband's age and life choices, I ended up having to work one to two jobs the whole time, including when my oldest babies were just weeks old. At one point, my husband got laid off for a year and stayed home with our toddler, while I worked full-time while pregnant. It was the practical choice, but I am ashamed to say how jealous and resentful I was."
"He also wanted me to get a better-paying job while he moved toward retirement, so I earned my graduate degree and interviewed for jobs out of state. Later that year, I left my husband, and we divorced; my spouse got the house and all of his retirement, and I took on 80% of the marital debt. I am now happily married and still working two jobs to pay the debt, but I now feel like I have a true partner who supports my goals. I am still sad that I missed so much of my children's early years working 40–70 hours a week because my husband refused to look for a better job."
—44, Florida
16."The hardest part of being married to a man I was with for almost 30 years was ending it after 30 years of abuse. It was a difficult decision to make for myself and my children, but I couldn't put up with the abuse any longer. My husband, I have come to realize, is a narcissist and groomed me at 19 to accept that his actions towards me were appropriate and/or that I was to be blamed for his wrongdoings — including physically attacking me, being verbally and emotionally abusive, sexually abusive, and financially abusive."
"He is fighting the restraining order, violating them, and talks poorly about me to our children. His family, who I was very close with and knew about some of his behaviors, have abandoned me. Now, I'm in financial debt like never before, and my living situation is tenuous. He continues to abuse me through the court system that favors fathers who show an interest in their children, even though they were abusive towards the mother in front of them. Knowing when I should finally end a marriage and ending it is definitely the hardest part of marriage — but I know I've done the best thing for myself and my children. I was always thankful I had only boys because I never wanted a daughter to believe that the way I was treated was how a woman, wife, partner, and mother should be treated. It's a long road, but I'm happier for it — and I cherish the wonderful times we did have together."
—50, California
And finally...
17."The hardest point for me was the end. My entire life I watched my mom go from marriage to boyfriend to marriage and back again. I said to everyone when I got married, it would be for life. My ex was abusive and cheated on me, and I put up with it. He isolated me from my friends and family. Finally, one day, my daughter contacted me and said she wanted me to leave him, and I did. It took two weeks of planning and moving to a shelter seven hours and three states away, but we have been safe since 2015."
"People don't realize how hard it is when you see memes about how marriages take two people, hard work, and not giving up — memes about divorce being a cop-out or a sin; things like that really mess with your head when you are trying to decide if you need to forgive him for other women, or the drinking, or the yelling, or the abuse."
—Anonymous, 48
Divorced women, what are the "hardest parts" of marriage that no one talks about? Let us know in the comments below. Or, if you prefer to remain anonymous, feel free to use this Google form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
